angry? What Else are you feeling?

​          Well, we all get angry. It’s probably the most universal negative feeling we have. But you know what? Anger is ALWAYS a secondary feeling. It hides the primary feeling in a situation that makes us feel more vulnerable. The only primary feeling that has anger in it is righteous indignation. When something happens that affects you and it’s just not right. All other anger is secondary to another, more vulnerable feeling.
          For example, my wife and I just completed a historic road trip. The mileage was 2400 miles, round trip. We laughed later about how it was the second-most dangerous, potentially debilitating event in our marriage. We survived this monster road trip, and, in the second year of our marriage, we spent 8 hours together in a small bathroom hanging wallpaper.
          During these and other events in our lives, my temper has flared (Of course, Maggie’s innocent, LOL). When I go off the rails and then eventually calm down, Maggie will gently ask, “Jon, this isn’t like you. What else is going on?”
          That question opens up a lot of baggage but sets the stage for healing. She wants my primary feelings, the vulnerable stuff hidden behind the anger. With her tender response to my rage, I am totally defused. I tell her, “I’m really scared right now.” Or, “I don’t know what to do.” Or, “I feel incompetent.”
          Most people can ring up the usual feelings, the mad, glad, sad, and bad feelings. When I share with patients, I pull out a cheat sheet of over one hundred feeling words and ask them to expand their feeling vocabulary if they really want their spouse to know what they are feeling.
          Bethany and Jake were in my office for their fourth session of marital therapy. During our last session, we explored anger issues in the marriage, how they could get through them and back on track.
          “So, how did your most recent blow-up turn out? Everybody still in one piece?” I got to the point with a bit of side humor.
          Bethany began. “I gotta tell you, Doc, those magic words got us into stuff I didn’t even know existed.”
          “How so?”
          Jake added, “You know, that “what else is going on here?” question. I was in mid-rant about I don’t even remember what. Bethany took a deep breath in front of me and put her hands on my shoulders. She told me to take a breath with her and calm down. I did so.”
          Bethany picked it up. “I told Jake that his rant wasn’t like him, even though it used to always be like him. I then asked quietly, what else is going on.”
          “I don’t know what came over me, like a dam bursting. I took a deep breath and started sobbing. I had never done anything like that before.”
          Bethany added, “He told me about the kids getting older, having an empty nest in a few years, and feeling lost and unprepared.”
          “Wow!”
          Anger is always a secondary feeling. What’s behind it will amaze you. For more, check out my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life at https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Journey.../dp/B0CY9PQXMZ
Blessings, Dr. Jon       

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