“In a minute…”, “I’ll be right there…”, “Soon. We’ll get together soon.” How many times have you said these things…today? As you’ve heard before, the road to crises is paved with good intentions. Your words matter. Be clear. Mean what you say. Follow through. Clarity of communication is the hallmark of good relationships. When you are not clear with others, you risk triggering anxiety, depression, or at least increased stress. Don’t do that ☹
          Monique, a recent college graduate who was reluctantly embracing the dating scene after work, eagerly looked at the messages on her phone. “Cory seems nice. He said he’d give me a call,” she thought as she scrolled down her messages. “Nope. Nothing from Cory. The jerk,” she clicked her phone off, regretting having struck up a conversation with him at work in the first place.
          A daily experience for some people, trying to get a foothold on their young adult life. Monique set herself up for disappointment by taking Cory’s words seriously in the first place. To her, his “let’s get together. I’ll call you later” was a date. To Cory, it may have been just a pick-up line. She’s left waiting, not knowing, perhaps missing out on other opportunities because of Cory’s nonspecific words of encouragement that he would follow through.
          When people are on the receiving end of speculative words, often they take them seriously, as a commitment or even a verbal contract. “He said he would get back to me, so he will.” So, Monique is left waiting. The longer she waits, the more likely she will personalize the circumstances.
          “What’s wrong with me. He’s so cute, waaay out of my league. I’m such a loser. (sigh) Just alone for life. “Maybe he’s blowing me off because he doesn’t like me. I’m such an idiot.” She then likely turns to what I call the woulda-coulda-shouldas, followed by a chorus of if-only’s. Your words matter, both to others and the words you apply to yourself.
            In my 43 years of clinical practice, and now in my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path  to the Good Life (Amazon, 2024), I introduce a new treatment strategy, mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT). Here, I interweave the therapy techniques of mindfulness, positive psychology, and cognitive behavioral interventions. For Monique, several rational beliefs come to mind.
          First, when you encounter something off-putting from another just let it slide. You want to expect the positive and build on what you’ve got. Remember, though, once is an anomaly, but twice is a pattern. If the off-putting recurs, confront gently. Say your piece to set the other straight. Setting healthy boundaries puts any relationship on even footing. If the pattern continues, sayonara. Go on to develop other better friendships.
          Second, about both your self-talk and what others say to you, stop assuming. A cute little memory device I use is to spell out the word “assume.” When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me (ass-u-me). Rather, consider input to be data for you. Check out any assumptions and move toward facts.
      Finally, true to cognitive behavioral therapy, avoid extreme words in your descriptions. Always, only, ever, never routinely generate problems, not solutions. For more, go to amazonbooks.com at https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CY9PQXMZ.
Blessings,
Jon

     I was part of a weekend retreat many years ago, where one exercise was to pair up and alternatively ask your partner, “Who are you?” The usual answers to that question tumbled out, “I’m Jon Robinson…Q…I’m a clinical psychologist…Q…I’m a husband, father, son.” As my partner kept asking, my answers got more profound and revealing. I had no idea before that exercise how many parts there were to my identity.
      So, who are you? You were born. You live. You will die, hopefully long in the future. But what’s the stuff of which you are made? Investing in counseling or psychotherapy goes a long way toward finding answers. You don’t have to be “broke” to find yourself on your own healing journey.
     Often, people find significant life events that mold, help define, who they are. Such events, stressors, take their toll for good or bad. Hans Selye, noted Canadian psychiatrist way back in the day, researched the 50 most stressful events in our lives. Top of the list? Marriage. Next? Death of the spouse. The events defined both the distress and eustress that we encounter. Important stuff but not foundational.
      Life events are what you encounter, but with whom you encounter these events with actually shape your personal identity. Researchers in developmental and personality psychology posit that 80% of our personality comes from our relationship with our parents before age 5. From age 5 to 15, relationships with our peers take precedence and account for 15% of our personality. After age 15, we forge our own path toward identity and personality with our own, unique input.
     During adolescence, when the biggest goofs, successes, and challenges confront us, we are wholly responsible and accountable for our actions. After the sturm und drang of our life events in our late teens, we become young adults. Thankfully, eventually, 80% of us embrace the best of both parents who guided us through our most formative years.
    Critical to the process of coming to terms with who you are is understanding your foundational life events and how you handled them. In mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT), which I introduce and explore in my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life(https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CY9PQXMZ) I help folks understand that we have no control over what happens to us, the singular life events. However, we have every control over how we react to them. Turning crises into personal blessings is key to overcoming adversity.
      Who are you? Take time to find out and embrace all of your parts. Be the best version of who you are.
Blessings,
Jon