Do You Want to Get or Give?
For my last 3 podcasts, I have shared with you 3 mental pathways on your healing journey. These pathways help you move from stuckness to soaring, from adversity to resilience. They are:

1. Your journey away from focusing on what’s wrong to embracing what’s right.
2. Your journey away from a one-and-done mindset, which generates instability, to become more resilient.
3. Your journey from believing the sky is falling, which breeds fear, to embracing critical thinking.

        Now, a critical question you want to ask yourself is this. Do you want to get or give? Which is a clearer path to your happiness? To find calm, resilience, and emotional fulfillment, let me guide you on your journey from a consumer-generated perspective to gratitude thinking, the 4th mental pathway.
       Mark had been in weekly psychotherapy with me for about a month. At 35, he had checked off all the items on his do-list to date. Finished his schooling, check. Married, check. Two children, boy and girl, check. Started his own IP company, check. Moved into his dream home with a pool, in a great neighborhood with the best private schools for his kids, check.
       “So, tell me, Doc,” he asked after listing his accomplishments. “Why do I wake up every morning dreading another day? I have no right to be so depressed, he concluded.
Mark was clearly stuck with all of his “stuff.”
         “Ya know, Mark, I began, “I don’t think you’re going to find happiness with more stuff. You have what we call a consumer-generated perspective on life.” Mark shot a puzzled look my way. “Now,” I chuckled, “sellers love your consumer-generated perspective. That’s how they make their living. You, on the other hand, that’s how you make misery.”
        “I can’t imagine giving it all up. I’ve worked so hard, spent so much time and money accumulating my wealth.” He slumped deeper in his chair.
       “Don’t get me wrong, Mark,” I consoled, laying a hand on his shoulder. “You don’t have to give it up. The question is, however, does your stuff own you or do you own your stuff? Do you want to get or give?
          Mark sighed, leaning forward in his chair, head in his hands.
         “So, you know what gratitude is, right?”
         “Sure,” Mark responded. “It’s like being grateful, thankful for my stuff.”
        “Well,” I added, “It’s more than that. It includes making time to enjoy life. Sharing with others. Being emotionally intimate with loved ones. Recognizing your joyfulness with life and others. Less getting. More giving.”
         In keeping with my MPT treatment strategies, I gave Mark a behavioral prescription to make a list of 10 for which he is grateful and share it with his wife. Then note in his daily feeling log the impact of his gratitude on his depression scale.
     Mark’s story continues in my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life. Buy your copy at AmazonBooks.com by clicking here, https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CY9PQXMZ     Blessings, Dr. Jon

       In recent podcasts, I shared with you the first two mental pathways on your healing journey from stuckness to soaring through your adversities. They were:

1. 1. Your journey away from focusing on what’s wrong to embracing what’s right.
2. Your journey away from a one-and-done mindset, which generates instability, to become more resilient.

      Today, I will address the third of the five paths on your healing journey. To get unstuck and begin soaring, you also need to be on,
    3. Your journey away from believing the sky is falling, which breeds fear, and toward embracing critical thinking.          
​     In children’s stories, Chicken Little was famous for running around in a panic, declaring loudly that the sky was falling. He churned up himself and those around him for no reason. Ultimately, the sky did not fall and all was well. From this story, we get a clear description of irrational panic and anxiety.
          The Winnie the Pooh stories for children also reflect the absolute faulty thinking that is an excellent description of reactive depression. The donkey, Eeyore, repeatedly offers Christopher Robin and others his negative anticipations with comments like, “Woe is me…Ain’t it awful…I can’t stand it…I’ll never be all right.”
          Take note, my friend. The sky is not falling. It ain’t awful. You will get over what you’re going through. The key is to take the path away from believing the sky is falling and embracing critical thinking. Instead of panicking in your circumstances, you will find yourself being calmer, more focused on solutions, and beginning to soar.
            “I tell you, Doc. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.” Brandon was sweating and beginning to hyperventilate as he started sharing with me.
          “Okay, Buddy,” I started mirroring deeper breathing. “Take a breath. Slow down. Walk me through it all.”
          Brandon calmed noticeably and then told me about being fired from his job of 15 years. He was middle management and was told only that the company was downsizing and that his position was no longer needed.
          “What am I going to do? Our two girls are 10 and 7, and Carol is due in three months with our son. I sure didn’t see this coming.”
          Using the components of mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT), I challenged Brandon to make two piles, one for those things over which he had control and the other for those things over which he had no control. I then asked him to rank the items in each pile on emotional intensity, from 1 to 10. These two exercises got him thinking more clearly and forging ideas and activities to regain emotional control. His sky was not falling so much as he embraced more critical thinking.
          Learning to think mindfully, staying in the now, increases your sense of control and clears the fog of critical thinking. Positive psychology helps you focus on what’s working and clears a path forward. Cognitive restructuring helps you turn what you saw as a curse into a blessing.
          In my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life, you can read about how Brandon figured this all out. Buy your copy on AmazonBooks at https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CY9PQXMZ.
Blessings,
Dr. Jon

​         “Don’t bother me with facts and options. My mind is made up,” Stan concluded, ending our discussion. If you identify with Stan, then you embrace a “one and done” mentality. Such a mindset cuts off any possibility of nurturing a sense of resilience when adversity comes your way.
          Last week I introduced the first path on your healing journey, that of moving away from focusing on what’s wrong with your circumstances and toward embracing what’s right. Your symptoms identify what’s wrong in your life. Your process toward upward spiraling identifies what’s right.
          This week, I will introduce the second path, that of moving away from a one and done mentality and toward expanding resilience in your thinking.
          Stan is stuck in a one and done mentality. That is, don’t confuse him with the facts. He’s made up his mind. There is no sense of resilience. No considering other options. Considering other options would expose Stan to the possibility of his being wrong, and that just can’t happen.
          A one and done mentality is the very definition of being stuck. Not being open to other options generates a downward spiral. Stan had reluctantly sought therapy with me at the goading of his wife. When I asked him to describe his presenting problem, he implied social anxiety.
          “You see, Doc, I’m just a homebody. I work my shift, come home, grab a beer, and sit down to relax.”
          “That’s your comfort zone, huh.”
          “Yep. Now, Cindy, she’s my wife. She’s a go-getter. She’s into everything and in everybody’s business. Me? I’ve got my tools, my work, and then my recliner. That’s all I need, Stan concluded.
          Stan and Cindy had been married for 23 years. Their son and daughter were gone now and, with their being just them, things were different.
          “So, things have changed for you and Cindy, and it’s been tough getting used to your new reality. I can help with that.
          I explained the concept of resilience to Stan, giving him a few examples. “It’s not about giving up what you are comfortable with. Rather, it's about expanding your comfort zone gradually. Let new thoughts and feelings come to you, kind of wash over you, and gradually expand your comfort zone, without giving up who you are. I don’t want you to change. Just think about being curious.”
          With mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT), I helped Stan develop a sense of mindfulness to avoid one and done thinking by staying in the now. I helped him move from what’s wrong to what’s right in his life by incorporating elements of positive psychology in his thinking. I challenged his stuck-ness with cognitive behavioral strategies, like successive approximation to increase his comfort level in social situations.
          In my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life, I share other examples and conversations that identify one and done thinking as a source of our adversity. Developing resilience frees you from your constrictive thinking and sets you on your healing journey to the good life. Check out my new book at https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CY9PQXMZ on Amazon Books.
Blessings, Dr. Jon

​​             You feel like crap. Stuff has happened both to you and around you which just adds to your burdens. It’s been this way for a while and you’re…just…done. You share some of your stuff with a good friend of yours. He doesn’t have answers. He doesn’t judge. He just listens.
          And so, your healing journey begins. You get a referral to begin psychotherapy, google your prospective therapist, and decide to get just one appointment with him…just to check him out, see if it’s a good fit for you.
          Mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT) is a term I coined some time ago in consultation with my colleague, Dr. Kristin Lee. In this process, your therapist helps you engage both the software of your brain, the mental, and the hardware, the intelligence, to bring all of your resources to bear on your healing journey. In doing so, over time, you create new neural pathways, called neurogenesis, that form new habits and thought structures to maintain your healing journey.
          In my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity to the Path to the Good Life (AmazonBooks, 2024), I identify 5 paths on your healing journey. These are proposed changes in your core beliefs. In each of four subsequent podcasts, we will explore each of these paths.
          First, move away from focusing on what’s wrong and embrace what’s right.
In traditional counseling and psychotherapy, therapists follow a medical model and take time to confirm your diagnosis. This is a delineation of what’s wrong with you. Insurance companies even require this diagnostic code from your therapist in order to be paid by insurance. As a population, we are trained to think about diagnosis, what’s wrong with me.
         With MPT, I gently help patients focus on what’s right with them. This is puzzling to new patients at first. Folks are very skilled at rattling off their list of woes. Rather than rehash old stuff, I encourage patients to find and embrace their strengths and successes.
Barry came to his third session with me. During the first session, he outlined his presenting problem in great detail. He gave me a thorough account of his syptoms, relationships, precipitating events, and sundry maladies.
During his second session, having reviewed with him his returned behavioral questionnaire, I gave him an assignment.
        “Between now and when we get back together, Barry, I want you to journal at the end of each day. Think about the various things that went right for you today and jot your thoughts and feelings about each item in your journal,” I concluded.
When he came for his third session, I began, “So, Barry, ya got something for me?” I noticed he had his journal in hand.
          “Well, kinda. I mean, I don’t understand why you wanted me to document what went right for me this past week. How does that address my problems?” Barry handed me his notes.
            “Fair point. Let me explain. From your first two sessions, it became clear to me that you know fully what your problems are and how they manifest in your daily life. It’s clear to me that you have been  downward-spiraling and are stuck in the mire of your life to date. You seem to start each day with, “okay, here we go again.”
“You got that right.”
            “So,” I concluded, “let’s try a new perspective. As we continue your healing journey, I want you to move away from focusing on what’s wrong and embrace what’s right with your days.”
           Typically, what we pay attention to grows. New habits can be cultivated. Focusing on thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, instead of on symptoms and diagnoses, generates lasting positive change on your healing journey.
   To find more of this excerpt, buy your copy of my new book at https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CY9PQXMZ
Blessings,
Jon