are you one and done?

​         “Don’t bother me with facts and options. My mind is made up,” Stan concluded, ending our discussion. If you identify with Stan, then you embrace a “one and done” mentality. Such a mindset cuts off any possibility of nurturing a sense of resilience when adversity comes your way.
          Last week I introduced the first path on your healing journey, that of moving away from focusing on what’s wrong with your circumstances and toward embracing what’s right. Your symptoms identify what’s wrong in your life. Your process toward upward spiraling identifies what’s right.
          This week, I will introduce the second path, that of moving away from a one and done mentality and toward expanding resilience in your thinking.
          Stan is stuck in a one and done mentality. That is, don’t confuse him with the facts. He’s made up his mind. There is no sense of resilience. No considering other options. Considering other options would expose Stan to the possibility of his being wrong, and that just can’t happen.
          A one and done mentality is the very definition of being stuck. Not being open to other options generates a downward spiral. Stan had reluctantly sought therapy with me at the goading of his wife. When I asked him to describe his presenting problem, he implied social anxiety.
          “You see, Doc, I’m just a homebody. I work my shift, come home, grab a beer, and sit down to relax.”
          “That’s your comfort zone, huh.”
          “Yep. Now, Cindy, she’s my wife. She’s a go-getter. She’s into everything and in everybody’s business. Me? I’ve got my tools, my work, and then my recliner. That’s all I need, Stan concluded.
          Stan and Cindy had been married for 23 years. Their son and daughter were gone now and, with their being just them, things were different.
          “So, things have changed for you and Cindy, and it’s been tough getting used to your new reality. I can help with that.
          I explained the concept of resilience to Stan, giving him a few examples. “It’s not about giving up what you are comfortable with. Rather, it's about expanding your comfort zone gradually. Let new thoughts and feelings come to you, kind of wash over you, and gradually expand your comfort zone, without giving up who you are. I don’t want you to change. Just think about being curious.”
          With mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT), I helped Stan develop a sense of mindfulness to avoid one and done thinking by staying in the now. I helped him move from what’s wrong to what’s right in his life by incorporating elements of positive psychology in his thinking. I challenged his stuck-ness with cognitive behavioral strategies, like successive approximation to increase his comfort level in social situations.
          In my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life, I share other examples and conversations that identify one and done thinking as a source of our adversity. Developing resilience frees you from your constrictive thinking and sets you on your healing journey to the good life. Check out my new book at https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CY9PQXMZ on Amazon Books.
Blessings, Dr. Jon

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