Boundaries - How well do you set them?

​     Setting boundaries is an issue for almost everybody. How well we set them can define the extent of our mental health. Physical boundaries are seemingly everywhere. Fences define the boundary of our property. Most people with healthy boundaries in social gatherings maintain at least an 18” physical distance from our conversational partner. Legal contracts define property boundaries, custody boundaries, division of responsibilities.
          Physical boundaries are pretty easy to observe and define. Emotional boundaries? Not so much.
          As licensed clinical psychologists, and other behavioral health professionals, we talk to our patients a lot about emotional boundaries. Many folks understand the concept of emotional boundaries and see how setting them in a healthy way can improve relationships. However, actually setting and maintaining them can be very hard.
          “So, Alex, you and Julie had another blowout last night?” I asked as he settled into his therapy appointment with me.
          “Yeah. Since our separation, getting things right with the kids has been a big issue. She’s always late bringing them to me for my visit with them, and she comes early when it’s time for her to pick them up. Her excuses are reasonable, but she’s cutting into my time with them.”
          “You try to accommodate her,” I offered, “but you feel taken advantage of?”
          “Well, yeah, but no,” Alex fumbled his words. “We’ve talked about trying to get back together, so I don’t want to upset her anymore, but…”
          “You have feelings too.”
          “Yeah, dammit.” Alex slammed his fist on the side table. “When do I get to have my feelings?”
          I drew on our previous sessions and asked, “Alex, doesn’t this feel a bit familiar?”
          “Huh? I’m not following.”
          “You’ve talked before about how Julie can be all about Julie and that you have often felt shut out of the family decision-making process.”
          “Well,” Alex admitted,” that’s true.
          “Let’s talk about setting healthy boundaries. I think that will help you reclaim your sense of self.”
          A main issue for my patient was his inability to say no to significant others in his life. He was afraid he’d hurt their feelings. He didn’t want to be the bad guy. He’d rather take care of the situation himself.
          Emotional boundaries keep self-care and other care in balance. Without that balance, one will feel taken advantage of, victimized. With time, resentment, anger, and rage can spill out.
          After centering my patient with mindfulness and generating positive self-talk with mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT), I will often use cognitive behavioral strategies to help them practice saying “no” in role-play. I give them rapid fire demands to which they repeatedly say “no.” No need for explanations. The fewer words the better.
When people are comfortable saying “no,” setting healthy emotional boundaries gets much easier. Self-worth goes up and relational conflict eases. Win-win.
Blessings, Dr. Jon

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