Well, the answer is, they can be both, depending on how productive your leadership is. If you are the boss in your family, and everybody better just get in line, then family meetings will be seen as boring. Many a smart-mouthed teen will comment, “We’re just gonna do what you want us to do, so why bother?” This teen would be calling out his parent on the hypocrisy of a family meeting. Thankfully, it doesn’t have to be that way. It is true that a family is not a democracy. If you have more than two children, imagine putting things to a democratic, simple majority vote. The Kids Party will vote together every time. However, if you, as the parent, function as a benevolent despot, then kids have a voice, while you make the choice. As benevolent despot, you have the ultimate authority in your home, in all ways. However, focus on the benevolent part. That means you know and understand each family member, search for their feelings, and want their input. They understand that you will do what’s best for all family members. Active listening is the go-to communication tool in understanding your child’s feelings and perspective. For family meetings to be helpful, there needs to be both consistency and structure. Perhaps for a half hour, after Sunday church, during family lunchtime, could be a time when family meetings can take place. This can be a check-in time for everybody, where the past week’s events can be reviewed and the coming week’s events can be planned. Great way to coordinate schedules in a busy family. If one of these regularly scheduled family meetings has a specific purpose, for example, planning a summer family vacation, then all family members need a heads-up before the meeting. This would be setting the agenda. It also gets people thinking about what they want to contribute. After prayer, to acknowledge God’s presence in the family, and re-stating the purpose of the family meeting, I encourage parents to ask for the youngest child’s input first. There will be banter and sibling rivalry. People will go out of turn. Parents gently rein in detractors. Start with brainstorming ideas without comment. This gets the creative juices going and encourages involvement. Help people stay on task. Have one person be the designated secretary and write options down. Next, talk about the good and the bad about each option. Again, use your active listening to help others get at the heart of their reasoning. Look for consensus among the options. If there is not consensus, as parents, you get to make the final choice. That’s the despot part, but with heartfelt understanding and consideration of everyone’s thoughts and feelings. That’s the benevolence part. With a proposed solution, get all family members involved in making it happen. Assign tasks for everyone, even the littlest family member if possible. This participation encourages involvement and acceptance, focusing on the positives. Finally, identify the next family meeting to review progress and stay on task. Family meetings can be boring, or they can be helpful. The more you address your children’s needs and feelings, the more heard they feel, the more family meetings can be helpful.
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Did you know? There are consequences to actions. If I speed while driving, I might get a ticket because I’ve broken a law. As a Christian parent, Proverbs 22:6 tells me to “train my children up in the ways of the Lord, so that, when they grow old, they will not depart from Him.” Just like getting a ticket on the highway, my child needs to know that his actions have consequences. Do good and good things happen. Do bad and bad things happen. We are charged with training up our children in the ways of the Lord. All parents use restriction as a matter of consequence when your child strays from your expectations. But what kind of restriction? You want your child to conform to your expectations and follow the rules, but at what cost? The Old Testament talks about sparing the rod and spoiling the child. This is a power-based restriction and the foundation of the correctional model. “Three F’s! Joey, what’s the matter with you? You’re grounded until those grades come up. Go to your room and don’t come out except to eat and use the bathroom. Get those grades up, Boy!” The correctional model is like going to jail. While well-intended, it breeds better criminals. Kids think about how mean you are, how to get around the restrictions, and hope that with time you will forget all about the punishment. The relational model holds your child accountable, but also encourages his participation in getting back on the right track. “Three F’s! Wow! This isn’t like you, Joey. I’m very disappointed. We need a plan to help you work on getting those grades back up. In Scripture, God showed the Israelites Judgement when they messed up. They went through hard times. When they got the memo and started abiding by God’s laws again, God showed them compassion and their favored status was restored. When Jesus Christ came to redeem all who accept Him as Lord and Savior, God showed mercy. This progression from judgement to compassion to mercy is the heart of the relational model of restriction. Give your child a time frame of restriction, but then lessen it as he shows progress toward the goal. This is your compassion. If he reaches the goal before the restriction is up, give him mercy and restore his privileges. The correctional model of restriction is about power. The relational model of restriction is about creating teachable moments in your relationship with your child. Are your restrictions about power or relationship? Create teachable moments with your restrictions and help your child grow emotionally and spiritually. Me and roller coasters don’t get along. I’m closing my eyes and white-knuckling all the way. Once, when our daughter was 14, we had all gone to a theme park and I wanted us to get a charcoal caricature of our family. Rachel got an attitude and refused. We negotiated that I would ride the Rebel Yell roller coaster with her if she would sit for the family picture. “Twice!” she grumbled. Overcoming my terror because the outcome was worth it to me, I agreed. Is your son or daughter entering the teen years? Hang on. You’re in for an emotional roller coaster ride. Angst and attitude are part and parcel of teen life. While it seems personal, take heart. It’s not only you, but most everybody who catches teenage heat. For a response, you have several options. “Hold on, buster. This is my house and you will can the attitude!” While this response is in every parent’s mind, keep it there. Don’t let it come out of your mouth. With such a response, you are just trying to match your teen’s power play with your own. You might get compliance, but it would be out of fear and at the expense of relationship. “What? Is that attitude I hear? Where is that coming from?” is heartfelt and a step in the right direction, but at the risk of your teen feeling shamed. Don’t be surprised if the response is a verbal shut-down or a flippant, “Whatever.” “Wow! This isn’t like you, son. What else is going on?” is more on track. You are calling attention to his attitude but also recognizing his angst. He may still not want to talk, because of his mistrust and unspoken recognition that he crossed a line. “Why are you trying to be nice to me?” sometimes is the response. Hang in there. He’s slowly cracking the emotional door to see if he wants to let you in. When teens, and children as well, are given an essay question like “What else is going on here?” they may not have the words or want to answer it. If you get a blank stare or “Leave me alone.” To the essay question, make it a multiple choice question. You know their lives well enough to come up with 3 or 4 options as to what might be fueling his angst. When you get some acknowledgement, shift to active listening. Trying to understand his feelings is at the heart of helping him get through his angst. The good news is that from the angst and attitude of teen life comes the development of an individual identity, your goal for your teen as he prepares for adulthood. You have a child or children? You're in charge. Will your children challenge your authority? You bet. In fact one of my universal truths in Teachable Moments is that Children Will Always Test the Limits. They test them to be sure that they are there. Children are fearful and anxious when they are in charge. Their brains have not yet developed the capacity for abstract thinking, so making abstract decisions are terrifying for them. Unconsciously, they will run wild, break things, and disobey specifically to force you to take charge of them. That's how anxious having authority is for them. How do you get your parental authority? Of course, you acquire it with the birth of your child. By definition, the parent is in charge. This kind of authority is based on power, dominance, and fear. "Because I said so, young man." "I am your father. Do what I say." Your child will respond to you when you act with this "acquired authority," but at what cost? You have an obedient child, but no relationship. This kind of teen can't wait to move out when they graduate. This youngster accepts sleepover invitations from their friends who have "cool" parents. Do you want obedience at the cost of relationship, or do you want to engage your child with relationship? With earned authority, you make effort to understand your child's feelings and needs. You focus on relationship and make decisions based on the needs, feelings, and greater good of the family. You join your child in the endless discovery of your surroundings. You know his likes, dislikes, and the meaning behind his words. You set boundaries and give consequences based on what the child is developmentally ready for and how he interacts with his world. You use your empathy and active listening to help him grow in understanding of his feelings. Our God is loving, understanding, and compassionate. He showed us mercy by sending His Son to offer salvation. We are charged to raise our kids with that same love and compassion. Is your parental authority acquired only, or is it earned as well. The choice is yours. |
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