You Cannot not communicate
In my book, Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, chapter 1 is titled “Communication Is Relationship.” A corollary to this statement is my belief that you cannot not communicate. Children, teens, parents, families are always communicating with each other, if not verbally, then nonverbally.
Mike’s dad asked him to help him wash the car. He was gaming on his bed in his room early in the afternoon on a beautiful day. Mike looked up from his game toward his father, but with only a blank stare. Was he responding to his dad’s direct request? You betcha. His nonverbal communication either said “I didn’t hear you,” or, “I don’t want to hear you.” His hope, I’m sure, was that dad would just go away.
Bethany’s mom was talking on the phone to one of her friends, when she toddled over to the kitchen counter and began tugging on her mama’s pants leg. Mom shook her leg free and turned in her chair as she continued her phone call. Were mom and daughter communicating? Oh, yeah, however unhelpful their nonverbals were to each other. Bethany was saying with her tug, “Mama, I need some attention.” Mom’s response was, “Go away. Leave me alone. Can’t you see that I’m on the phone? My conversation with my friend is more important than you are right now.”
When your child’s nonverbal communication is vague, indirect, or confusing, help them with a prompt like, “Sweetheart, I’m confused. Can you use your words?” If the behavior is intense or suggests distress, it will trigger your emotional fever alarm and you want to use your active listening skills. “Wow. You really slammed down that book. Are you frustrated?” Once her feelings are acknowledged, she will be more receptive to your correcting her behavior.
We are always communicating, whether it’s verbally, nonverbally, or even both. Teachable moments come from tuning in, decoding, and understanding the underlying feelings.
The Upside of Rebellion
In global politics, rebellion is a negative term. It connotes turmoil, injustice, anarchy. In a healthy family, there's an upside to rebellion. In Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, I contend that teenagers must rebel. It is a prerequisite for developing an individual identity, the developmental stage required of teens to become responsible adults. Some types of rebellion have more consequences than others. Teenage pregnancy, drug and alcohol addiction, criminal behavior are all rebellious acts that can mar a teen for life. As Christian parents, sometimes the best we can do is love our kids through their bad choices. Most teenage rebellion, however, is a version of testing the limits and/or testing their wings. In shepherding our teens through the sturm und drang of adolescence, we can find teachable moments to share our wisdom, develop a system of accountability and oversight, and help them spread their wings responsibly.