My daughter was maybe 4 years old. I was outside talking to our neighbor one Saturday morning when Rachel came up to me. While I’m talking, she tugs on my pant leg and tells me, “Daddy, I need some attention.” Wow! I know some dads who would have brushed their daughter’s hand away and dismissed her with, “Not now, honey, can’t you see I’m busy?” That would have been taking in the big picture, prioritizing my needs and pulling a power play at my daughter’s expense. Thankfully, I did not do that. I motioned a pause to my friend, knelt down to be on eye level with Rachel, and asked, “Okay, Sweetheart, what’s going on?” I can’t think of a more loving thing that my daughter could have done in that instant than to identify her feelings, seek consolation, and get feedback. Rachel was loving herself. Many children live in an environment where they should be seen but not heard. To the contrary, as loving parents, we want to encourage our children to love themselves. In Scripture, Jesus calls us in his second greatest commandment to “love one another as you love yourself.” That is, loving myself, which means understanding and attending to my needs and feelings, is a prerequisite for loving one another. Children, and grown-ups for that matter, can demonstrate loving themselves by several specific ways. First, make time to both eat and sleep well. This is how we keep our bodies strong and resilient. Exercise healthy diet, be active, and make time for fun. Second, have family and friends with whom you can share your honest feelings. Some people call this a confidante relationship, oftentimes found in BFFs, someone with whom you are Best Friends Forever. Third, children and adults alike often benefit from keeping a journal of events and feelings. This is like being best friends with yourself, celebrating today’s challenges and victories, while making plans for tomorrow. Finally, as a part of developing a personal relationship with Jesus, make time for individual and family devotion and prayer. This involves sharing your day and hearing from Him about questions and circumstances. Do your children love themselves? They will take their lead from you. Developing these 4 habits will help us all move from surviving this life to thriving.
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There is no end to the opportunities and ways in which we can positively influence our children. Those opportunities are at the heart of teachable moments. “Daddy, why do turtles have shells?” Answering such questions softly, directly, and with emotional intensity creates a teachable moment. “Well, sweetheart, that’s a good question. The turtle’s body is under that thick shell. It would be sad for turtles body’s to be exposed to the dangers of their world. Now, you don’t have a turtle’s shell (and then I playfully poke my daughter’s tummy), but how your mama and I loving and protecting you and keeping you safe is kinda like having your own turtle shell.” When you notice your child having an emotional fever, however, start with active listening to help get the fever down before launching into a teachable moment. “This stinks!! (my son slams his math book down and throws his pencil at the wall) I’m never going to get these stupid math problems.” Now, you have a choice. You can correct the behavior and miss connecting with your son and not have a teachable moment. “You stop that right now, young man. Get back to work. Math will be important to you one day.” OR, you active listen to help lower his emotional fever and reframe the event to help him get perspective. “Wow, that math’s kicking your butt!” “I hate it! I’ll never get it.” “It’s frustrating for it to not come to you easily, like playing baseball does, huh. But tell me something. Why are you so good at baseball?” “I’m a natural.” My son smiles broadly. “I see. Hmmm. Got all that talent without a lick of practice, huh?” “Well, no. I’m in the batting cage every day. I eat well. I get my sleep. I chill out. I listen to my coach.” “Hmmm. So, if I’m hearing you correctly, there’s a lot of hard work and effort to becoming a natural athlete. Hmmm.” “Okay, Dad, I see what you are doing here.” “Oh? What’s that?” “Well, my math teacher’s my coach, and this stupid homework is my practice. And if I don’t keep at it, math will kick my butt.” “Wow! I don’t think I could have said it better myself. I’ve got some suggestions about that stupid math. Do you want to hear them? Teachable moments come in all shapes and sizes. They happen playfully, out of fun times. They also happen seriously, out of emotional storms. The key is to be ready for the opportunity and to make the most of it. Teachable moments create fun, responsibility, creativity, problem-solving, emotional intimacy, and positive childhood memories. Teachable moments are your gift to your children. Did you know? It’s true. What you focus on grows. Suppose there are 100 parts to our children (and us, for that matter). These parts are either good or bad and proportional. So, if 9 year old Janey has 63 parts good, she has 37 parts bad. The parts always add up to 100. You know what? What you pay attention to grows. If you pay attention to the 63 good parts, over time they become 68, 72, 75 parts. If you pay attention to the 37 bad parts, over time they become 40, 46, 52, and the good parts go proportionally down because, remember, the total always equals 100. Every harsh comment increases the bad parts and lowers the good parts. Every praise and blessing increases the good parts and lowers the bad parts. So, what do you focus on? “Janey, what is wrong with you? You know better than that!” Wow, can’t you just feel those bad parts creeping up? Sure, Janey will look downcast and feel shamed into stopping her behavior. But, she has learned that she can get your attention by doing bad stuff. “Hey, Janey, let’s stop just a minute. Are you sure what you are doing is helpful to both you and your brother?” Janey may think, “wait, what?” and be confused at first, but your effort is to join her in figuring out better behavior. She has learned that she can go to you to help her fix things. My family and I went to the zoo recently. As we are walking around, I pick up snippets of what I call yuppy parenting. “Thank you, son, for walking beside me and not running ahead.” “Wow. Look at you, being a good big sister and gently pushing you baby brother’s stroller.” “Let the younger ones get closer to the glass. Sharing is caring, you know.” These parents bring attention to the good parts and you can see their children beam in their praise. We live in a world of negatives. We humans crave attention. Attention has an absolute quality to it, so that both negative attention and positive attention fill the bill. Unfortunately, negative attention us usually easier and quicker to get than is positive attention. When you find things about your children to rave about and to heap positive attention on them, you are creating teachable moments. You are giving them a firm foundation of positive self-worth and attention. They will flourish in this negative world. What you focus on grows, so focus on the positive. You and your kids are doing great. You're having fun time with them. They are accepting your authority. Your communication with them is awesome! Can we package this and put it in a pill, so that every family can feel this way? So, what's going right? In my book, Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, my lead-off chapter confirms that communication is relationship. What's going great? Your communication with your children. They get what you are saying and you get them. Christian parenting is not about power, who's in charge, do what I say. It's about relationship. How you talk to your children, the communication, defines the quality of relationship When things are going great, there are four types of communication happening. First, we engage in directional talk. "Be careful, Sweetheart. Don't go too close to the water. It's way over your head." We give direction and it is well received. Second is instructional talk. "Put your shoulder down and drive your defender. The lower lineman wins the battle." Children learn by helpful instruction. Third are check-ins. These by nature are brief comments meant to elicit information. "Dude, what's up?" or, "Hey, Punkin. Rough day at preschool?" With the information you get, you decide how to proceed. Finally, the Holy Grail of parental communication is teachable moments. In these moments, you impart your wisdom, perspective, and counsel for your child. "Boy, when I was your age, my dad used to tear up my butt for the least little thing. Now, I don't do that with you. Do you want to know why?" or, "You know, sharing works really good. First, when you share, you make a friend. Also, sharing helps you enjoy giving, instead of just getting all the time." These are the times when all is right with the world and being the parent is your best job ever. Of course, how your words are received determines what happens next. If you get any verbal or nonverbal red light, "Leave me alone." "Not now, Dad." or eye roll, or looking away, then switch gears to Active Listening. This is when you focus on your child's feelings and try to draw them out. A check-in comment can get things rolling. "Wow, that's not like you. Anything going on I can help with?" or, "I have some thoughts. Want to hear them?" When you feel his emotional fever going down because of your active listening, you get to go back to the fun stuff. Be vigilant, but when things are great, go for it. It's easy to parent when everything is going well. Those times can become teachable moments. "Here, son, let me throw you a few pitches. Let's see if we can get that swing level." You want to teach. He wants to learn. Easy parenting. But what about the hard part of parenting, when confronting your child about his behavior or attitude adjustment? That's hard, no matter how you size it up. "I am your father! Do what I tell you." Or, the old standby, "Because I said so." You might get compliance, but at what cost? His behavior might change...for the moment. But that change will be out of fear. And when the heat if off, he goes back to old habits. There is an art to effective confronting. Confrontation can be a very teachable moment, when it is carried out with respect and in service to the relationship. Imagine that you've asked your son to clean up his room repeatedly over several days, to no avail. You could bring the hammer down and give him consequences. I've known parents who simply picked up all items left on the floor and thrown them away, toys, clothes, papers, electronics, all of it. Pretty ineffective confrontation. The floor is cleaned off, but the soul is shattered and the relationship is filled with fear and anger. No respect, no relationship. An effective confrontation has three parts: an observable behavior, your feelings about that behavior, and the tangible and concrete effect of that behavior on you. "Luke, when I've asked you repeatedly to clean the floor up in your room and put everything where it belongs, and you blow it off, I feel ignored and disrespected. I fear bugs and other critters could be under that mess and that would present a health hazard to all of us. Part of our being a family is everybody sharing the load. This is your load." Once you've laid the confrontation out as clearly as you can, be prepared for blowback. No one ever likes to be confronted. There will be defensiveness. Use your active listening skills, empathy, to address your child's defensiveness. When you see his emotional fever lowering, becoming less defensive, then resume with another version of your confrontation. Confront, empathy, confront will put your child in the best position to comply with your expectations...with respect and relationship intact. You have a child or children? You're in charge. Will your children challenge your authority? You bet. In fact one of my universal truths in Teachable Moments is that Children Will Always Test the Limits. They test them to be sure that they are there. Children are fearful and anxious when they are in charge. Their brains have not yet developed the capacity for abstract thinking, so making abstract decisions are terrifying for them. Unconsciously, they will run wild, break things, and disobey specifically to force you to take charge of them. That's how anxious having authority is for them. How do you get your parental authority? Of course, you acquire it with the birth of your child. By definition, the parent is in charge. This kind of authority is based on power, dominance, and fear. "Because I said so, young man." "I am your father. Do what I say." Your child will respond to you when you act with this "acquired authority," but at what cost? You have an obedient child, but no relationship. This kind of teen can't wait to move out when they graduate. This youngster accepts sleepover invitations from their friends who have "cool" parents. Do you want obedience at the cost of relationship, or do you want to engage your child with relationship? With earned authority, you make effort to understand your child's feelings and needs. You focus on relationship and make decisions based on the needs, feelings, and greater good of the family. You join your child in the endless discovery of your surroundings. You know his likes, dislikes, and the meaning behind his words. You set boundaries and give consequences based on what the child is developmentally ready for and how he interacts with his world. You use your empathy and active listening to help him grow in understanding of his feelings. Our God is loving, understanding, and compassionate. He showed us mercy by sending His Son to offer salvation. We are charged to raise our kids with that same love and compassion. Is your parental authority acquired only, or is it earned as well. The choice is yours. The Pharisees in the Bible were trying to discredit Jesus by asking him to pick his favorite of the ten commandments. Of course, He knew what they were up to, so he flipped it into a Teachable Moment. In Matthew 22: 35-40, He said, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind. This is the first and most important command. And the second command is like the first: Love your neighbor as you love yourself." I call this the Codependent's Commandment. It's about balancing self-care with other-care. When we care about others, our children, to the exclusion of caring about ourselves, we set up conditional love. In essence, I'm going to do this for you, but you owe me. We don't say that, but it's implied. When your child doesn't pick up the message, you both are left with anger, bitterness, and distance in the relationship. Not a fun time. Throw some self-care into the mix and you can offer unconditional, or agape, love. I have tended to my needs, so life is pretty good. I'm doing this for you because I can. Have a nice day. No condition, no anger, no resentment. A win-win. You are then able to love your neighbor as you love yourself. People confuse self-interest, selfish, and self-care. The first two are activity based. I have the time and opportunity to do this and it's fun. See you later. That's self-interest. I'm going to do this even if it bothers you. Get out of my way. That's selfish. I'm at low ebb and I need to fill me up, so I can be at my best and be there for you. How can we make this happen? That's self-care. Lead in your life and in your family by example. Can you balance self-care with other-care? What a teachable moment. Make time for self-care. Most people think zodiac sign when asked this question. I'm talking about the sign we each are born with, right on our chests. It reads IALAC. No you won't find this sign in Greek or Roman mythology. It's an acronym, and it stands for "I AM LOVED AND CARED FOR." Right out of the womb, that's our sign. And we coo, we look wistfully at our parents. We embrace our new world. And then life happens. Poopy diapers and distress, a small piece of the sign is ripped off. Pushed on the playground, fall down, skinned knee. Another piece is ripped off. Girlfriend broke your heart. Didn't get into the school you wanted. More ripped pieces. Soon enough, the sign is all ripped off and laying in pieces around you. But, the rule is that you always carry the IALAC sign around your neck. What changes is what it stands for. With disappointment, with harsh words, with embarrassment, shaming, bossing without explanation, the sign becomes "I AM LONELY AND CONFUSED." As parents, we are the prime authors of our children's signs. With empathy, active listening, praise, helpful direction and guidance, we can transform our children's signs back to the original acronym, I AM LOVED AND CARED FOR. Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting gives you the tools for making this critical transformation in your child's sign. What is your Child's sign? Everybody has them. They often control the inner flow of our bodily functions. There are everyday hormones, growth hormones, and sex hormones. Hormones also contribute to the seasons of our lives. Coming of age, teenage hormones often get a bad rap. In fact, adolescent growth and sex hormones are awesome! They pave the way to adulthood. They usher in the developmental life stage of creating an individual identity.
For girls, the obvious hormone invasion is menarche, that magical moment when menstrual flow begins and physically a girl becomes a woman. For boys, the event is more gradual, cracking of the voice as it deepens, beard and other hair growth. Hormones are also about attitude. Getting cocky, sassy, challenging authority, finding and testing boundaries. The other life stage that is hormone-laden is menopause, in the 45-55 age range for women. The best cognitive reframe I've heard for the hot flashes women experience in menopause is describing them as "power surges." Male menopause doesn't have the obvious flag, but nonetheless is characterized by industry, expansiveness, finding life meaning. This can result in dramatic directional changes in career, relationship, and values. When adolescent hormones and adult mid-life hormones are all in the mix in a family, hold on. In Chapter Six of Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, I explain how hormones will wreak havoc in families. The answer, however, is not to avoid them. Rather, try embracing them. Plan for them. Talk about all the changes. Use active listening to understand the feelings behind the actions and respond in ways that respect boundaries and enhance the family experience. Hormones. Ugh! but they don't have to be. The Greek philosopher, Epictetus, wrote long ago that nothing was so but that we think it so. For reactive, or situational depression, that fits. If there is a generational component, and your symptoms have been since childhood, to varying degrees, then it's organic and medication will be part of the healing. If the symptoms are mostly a result of ongoing events or life circumstances, then it's reactive, and the healing is on you. Through God's grace and your hard work, you can beat this depression.
Two tools for beating reactive depression. First, use the "as if" principle. When you are depressed, you don't feel like doing anything. Here comes moping, eating, laying around. Depression robs us of the activation process. If you don't feel like doing something, but in your heart what you are thinking of doing is good to do, then act "as if" you feel like doing it, and GET BUSY! Second, activity is the antidote for reactive depression. When your heart gets above 120 beats/minute, your brain releases endorphins, nature's Prozac. Why buy this stuff when getting active releases the equivalent in your brain? It's hard to be active and depressed at the same time. Activity beats depression both because of the endorphins and also because the activity distracts you from the depression. Epictetus was right! Depressed? Nah. It's all in your head. In Chapter Eight of Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, entitled Problems Can Be Solved, you will learn about these and other tools to help your child stay the course to adulthood. |
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