GRIEVING: A NORMAL, MENTAL HEALTH PROCESS

     Have you ever grieved a loss? Of course you have. Mostly, you’ve lost your keys, the directions to where you are going, and other such minor things. Aggravating mostly.
          If we haven’t yet, most of us will lose a loved one in death, or be fired or downsized from a job, or lost that one special person whom you thought was for life but who told you, “I just can’t do this anymore.” These kinds of major losses are more than depressing. They are painful and hard to get over. Grieving, as a big part of getting past these losses, is a normal part of the mental health process.
          Most of us go first to our closest friends and confidantes to start the grieving. We get solace, comfort, and encouragement that we’ll get through it all. If we don’t, get through it, that is, then some of us will take the positive step of getting professional help. Getting into psychotherapy is an excellent way to navigate the grieving, accept the blessing, and find something positive you can take away from your loss.
          There’s been a lot of scientific research on grieving and recovering from a profound, personal loss. The Grand Dame of grieving literature is Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Her research led her to identify the five typical stages of loss. Although each person grieves in their own way, studies show that most people take about 2 years to successfully navigate the five stages of loss.
          Kubler-Ross identified these stages as: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. There is no lock-step sequence nor timing. We often go back and forth between stages, and each takes more or less time, depending on many factors.
          Basically, after the abject shock of being presented with the loss, we first respond with total Denial. “No, no, no. This can’t be happening. We’re going to meet up later this week. He’s just away. He’ll be back for our meeting.” When confronted with the loss, our denial begins to crack, as reality sets in. Still unaccepting of the loss, we then get angry. “How could he do this to me? Get away from me. I don’t need your sympathy. Does he think he’s going to leave me…with all of this?”
          To mitigate our overwhelming anger, and feeling powerless to go forward, we move into a Bargaining stage of grieving. “If he doesn’t die, God, I promise I’ll go to church every week.” “Don’t leave me, mama. I’ll be good. I’ll do all my chores.” “Please, I’m begging you, don’t go.”
          Recognizing that we ultimately are helpless to change the circumstances, and the loss has happened, we always fall into an expected Depression. We are overwhelmed, beyond sad, gushing tearfulness, recognizing that our loss is real. “Oh, God. This is really happening. How can I continue without her? My life will never be the same again.”
          Finally, with a lot of blood, sweat, and tears, we ascend to the mountain of Acceptance. It’s still hard to believe, but we will go on. We’ll even make something good and positive out of our loss. “I don’t like it, but I must go on. I want to honor him in some way. Although he is really gone, I will always carry a piece of him with me…for guidance and clarity.”
          Mentalligent Psychotherapy (MPT), www.authorjonrobinson.com, is an excellent way to help your client through her loss. The components of MPT, which are mindfulness, positive psychology, and cognitive behavior strategies, seem tailor-made to lift grieving folks from their loss.
          After hearing your patient’s story of loss, be empathetic and fully actively listen. Give her whatever time she needs to tell her story and to collect herself. It may take several sessions just to accomplish this settling down.
          When she seems ready, introduce mentalligent psychotherapy as a healing journey, inviting her let you guide her through the stages of loss and grieving.
Mindfulness sets the tone for healing by helping your patient focus on her now. Being present gives her space to be distant from her loss. Some folks benefit from imagining themselves in a movie theater, as their own film director, watching their story unfold on the movie screen. They can tease out every detail, change their script, although not the loss outcome, and navigate their healing.
Positive psychology and its attending strategies encourage both her perspective on what happened and her focus on her future. Loss tends to focus on the negative, the “if only’s, and woulda-coulda-shoulda’s.” Helping her focus on her character strengths will help her use them to get through the loss. Seligman’s Values in Action Inventory of Strengths is a resource.
 Several cognitive behavioral strategies help her land in the last stage of acceptance. Primarily, use cognitive reframing to find what good has come to her from experiencing the loss. Writing a list of gratification gives her a resource to remember all she drew from her lost relationship. Using a daily journal helps her keep track of her healing and continually focus on her now, while making plans for her future.
Grieving is a normal mental health issue that we all experience to a greater or lesser extent. Mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT) provides a means of healing from grieving and loss. For more information, check out my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life (Amazon Books, 2024).
Blessings,
Jon

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