who are you?

     I was part of a weekend retreat many years ago, where one exercise was to pair up and alternatively ask your partner, “Who are you?” The usual answers to that question tumbled out, “I’m Jon Robinson…Q…I’m a clinical psychologist…Q…I’m a husband, father, son.” As my partner kept asking, my answers got more profound and revealing. I had no idea before that exercise how many parts there were to my identity.
      So, who are you? You were born. You live. You will die, hopefully long in the future. But what’s the stuff of which you are made? Investing in counseling or psychotherapy goes a long way toward finding answers. You don’t have to be “broke” to find yourself on your own healing journey.
     Often, people find significant life events that mold, help define, who they are. Such events, stressors, take their toll for good or bad. Hans Selye, noted Canadian psychiatrist way back in the day, researched the 50 most stressful events in our lives. Top of the list? Marriage. Next? Death of the spouse. The events defined both the distress and eustress that we encounter. Important stuff but not foundational.
      Life events are what you encounter, but with whom you encounter these events with actually shape your personal identity. Researchers in developmental and personality psychology posit that 80% of our personality comes from our relationship with our parents before age 5. From age 5 to 15, relationships with our peers take precedence and account for 15% of our personality. After age 15, we forge our own path toward identity and personality with our own, unique input.
     During adolescence, when the biggest goofs, successes, and challenges confront us, we are wholly responsible and accountable for our actions. After the sturm und drang of our life events in our late teens, we become young adults. Thankfully, eventually, 80% of us embrace the best of both parents who guided us through our most formative years.
    Critical to the process of coming to terms with who you are is understanding your foundational life events and how you handled them. In mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT), which I introduce and explore in my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life(https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CY9PQXMZ) I help folks understand that we have no control over what happens to us, the singular life events. However, we have every control over how we react to them. Turning crises into personal blessings is key to overcoming adversity.
      Who are you? Take time to find out and embrace all of your parts. Be the best version of who you are.
Blessings,
Jon

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