Your Words Matter

     “In a minute…”, “I’ll be right there…”, “Soon. We’ll get together soon.” How many times have you said these things…today? As you’ve heard before, the road to crises is paved with good intentions. Your words matter. Be clear. Mean what you say. Follow through. Clarity of communication is the hallmark of good relationships. When you are not clear with others, you risk triggering anxiety, depression, or at least increased stress. Don’t do that ☹
          Monique, a recent college graduate who was reluctantly embracing the dating scene after work, eagerly looked at the messages on her phone. “Cory seems nice. He said he’d give me a call,” she thought as she scrolled down her messages. “Nope. Nothing from Cory. The jerk,” she clicked her phone off, regretting having struck up a conversation with him at work in the first place.
          A daily experience for some people, trying to get a foothold on their young adult life. Monique set herself up for disappointment by taking Cory’s words seriously in the first place. To her, his “let’s get together. I’ll call you later” was a date. To Cory, it may have been just a pick-up line. She’s left waiting, not knowing, perhaps missing out on other opportunities because of Cory’s nonspecific words of encouragement that he would follow through.
          When people are on the receiving end of speculative words, often they take them seriously, as a commitment or even a verbal contract. “He said he would get back to me, so he will.” So, Monique is left waiting. The longer she waits, the more likely she will personalize the circumstances.
          “What’s wrong with me. He’s so cute, waaay out of my league. I’m such a loser. (sigh) Just alone for life. “Maybe he’s blowing me off because he doesn’t like me. I’m such an idiot.” She then likely turns to what I call the woulda-coulda-shouldas, followed by a chorus of if-only’s. Your words matter, both to others and the words you apply to yourself.
            In my 43 years of clinical practice, and now in my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path  to the Good Life (Amazon, 2024), I introduce a new treatment strategy, mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT). Here, I interweave the therapy techniques of mindfulness, positive psychology, and cognitive behavioral interventions. For Monique, several rational beliefs come to mind.
          First, when you encounter something off-putting from another just let it slide. You want to expect the positive and build on what you’ve got. Remember, though, once is an anomaly, but twice is a pattern. If the off-putting recurs, confront gently. Say your piece to set the other straight. Setting healthy boundaries puts any relationship on even footing. If the pattern continues, sayonara. Go on to develop other better friendships.
          Second, about both your self-talk and what others say to you, stop assuming. A cute little memory device I use is to spell out the word “assume.” When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me (ass-u-me). Rather, consider input to be data for you. Check out any assumptions and move toward facts.
      Finally, true to cognitive behavioral therapy, avoid extreme words in your descriptions. Always, only, ever, never routinely generate problems, not solutions. For more, go to amazonbooks.com at https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CY9PQXMZ.
Blessings,
Jon

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