Are chores a sticking point in your home? Do you get that “Ma, do I hafta?” refrain every time you bring chores up? Well, everybody who loves chores raise your hand. Nope. I didn’t think so.
Charlie was the wild child of the Miller’s 3 daughters, ages 2, 8, and 10. Her little sister was Miss Prissy and her older sister was all that, so Charlie got to do her own thing. She was a rough-house tomboy who would prefer tackle to touch football. It landed her in the principal’s office more than once for being too rough during gym class.
Mom Charlene, after whom Charlie was named, was firm to her daughter that Saturday morning, as the Miller family arose.
“Yes, sweetheart, you hafta.” She explained. “Saturday mornings around here are family clean-up, and, well, you’re part of the family.”
“Then…I want a divorce, you know, from the family. That way I don’t have to do stupid chores on Saturday mornings. Tommy and I are building a tree house today and we’ve got to get started, like, right now.”
Charlene chuckled to herself and then sighed, “Baby, you know it doesn’t work that way. Besides, we would all miss you terribly,” she added, as she moved in to tickle her daughter’s sides. Charlie squealed and then she got out of her bed.
Chores should not only be a part of the fabric of family life, they also help to form lasting bonds, build responsibility, and are a source of accountability, consistency, and pride.
As soon as your children are able to walk, they are able to help with house clean-up. At first, with a 2 year old, you pick up her stuffed animals with her and show her where to store them. With practice, you step away and she picks up more of the load. Not only does this activity have family benefits, it reinforces her worth, improves her eye-hand coordination, and gives her bragging rights on a job well done. With older children, use a targeted family meeting to outline Saturday morning chores and then divvy them up. Parents determine the quality of chore completion and can require a re-do if necessary.
Chore completion is outside of allowance or other pay. We don’t get paid for doing our part of family clean-up. Also, chores are outside of daily straightening, organizing, and order. Chore completion can be a part of the “yuck” factor in your family, or it can be a bonding factor. Regardless, yeah, ya hafta.
No surprise here. We live in the age of cyber-kids. Our kids have, or have access to, all kinds of electronic devices. Sometimes I ask my 6 year old granddaughter to help me out on my computer. You know what? She does. Not sure if that says more about her or me.
Also, no surprise that advanced technology is a two-edged sword. It can greatly benefit our lives and our parenting. It also can be a distraction that erodes family relationships over time. When my wife and I go out to eat, often I casually check iPhone use among families in the restaurant. I have seen a family of 5 people all separately on their phones, either texting or gaming, while waiting for their order to arrive. Wow!
One morning years ago, my then 2 year old granddaughter had awakened. She played in her crib for almost 45 minutes before looking up into the corner of her bedroom ceiling, at the camera, and declared, “Ok, mommy. I’m ready to get up now.” The age of cyber-kids.
Technology is a must for today’s school kids. Many teachers use the internet to supplement their lessons. This is one of the blessings of cyber-technology. However, folks are also considering computer gaming addiction as a real thing now. When technology has control over you, rather than you having control over it, there is something wrong.
Cell phones and other technologies have been known to contribute to sleep loss, cyber-bullying, lower school grades, obesity, and lack of exercise. What’s a parent to do?
First, take charge of home technology. Use the available computer and smart phone controls to determine where your kids can go in cyber-space and where they cannot go. Second, use timing apps to determine when your kids can turn their devices on and when they will go off, even if your child is smack in the middle of gaming. Third, declare electronics-free zones, especially around family meal time and bedtime. In fact, create a storage bin for all portable electronics, where devices are left before lights out each night. They can be picked back up in the morning.
These kinds of changes will be met with outrage by your children, if you haven’t implemented them from the get-go. Use a family meeting to address your concerns. Active listen your children’s outrage. Set a length of time as a trial period, after which the new rules will be reviewed. However, if these changes have positive benefit, such as more rest, less fighting, more fun times, more relationship-building, then stick to your guns. Rules over technology use will benefit your children in the long run.
A coin has two sides, heads and tails. Neither is better than the other. They are just different. However, the coin could not be without both sides. The sides make the coin. Such is a parent’s love for their child.
“My little Joey is such a angel…when he is sleeping.” Amanda sipped her coffee before continuing with her friend, Rose. “Don’t get me wrong. I love my little boy so much, but, whew, is he a handful sometimes.” Rose commiserated with her friend.
“Sometimes I just have to jerk a knot in him, you know, give him consequences for his bad choices. I feel so guilty after he gives me those soulful, puppy dog eyes when I put him in the corner.”
Rose chimed in, “Amanda, don’t beat yourself up. You’re a great mom. You listen to Joey when he’s upset and trying to get out of his punishment. But you also help him realize that he has made a bad choice and that there are consequences for his actions.”
“I know,” Amanda sighed, “but still…”
These moms love their children. They know that the parenting coin has two sides, both empathy and confrontation. With empathy, you teach your child that they have a right to their feelings, and you empower them to make good choices. With confrontation, you teach them that there are consequences to their choices that have impact both on them and on those around them. Both empathy and confrontation are required from us parents to prepare our children for their adult world.
Many children today seem to suffer from false empowerment. That is, they have a sense of entitlement with feeling of impunity. I can do what I want, with no consequences. Parents of these children tend to be permissive, wanting their children to have full and enriching experiences, with few or no limits to their actions. Such permissive parenting can lead to selfishness, lack of empathy, insecurity, and potential bullying.
In Chapter 3 of my book, Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, I offer that children will always test the limits. However, they do so to be sure that the limits are there. Being in charge is every child’s worst nightmare, leading to fear and anxiety.
For you, the parent, to be in charge, you need to flip a coin. Both empathy and confrontation, the two sides of your parenting coin, need to be used to help your child find their place in the world.
Amy glared at her mom and announced, “Leave me alone!” Her mom stopped in her tracks, at the edge of the door to Amy’s bedroom. As she looked, stunned, at her 12 year old daughter, she pondered, “Where has my little girl gone?”
Well, mom, your daughter Amy has begun her journey into adolescence. You know, that’s a foreign land where grown-ups are the enemy. German developmental psychologists identify Sturm Und Drang as the hallmark of adolescence. Storm and stress! As parents, we see this storm and stress and ask, “Is that my teen?”
Up until about age 10, parents are mostly the best thing ever. Our children love us and show that love in many ways. In healthy, loving families, they want to grow up to be just like mommy and daddy. Developmentally, ages 10 to 12 are the latency ages. That is, not children, but not teens. A newer term is “tweenager.” However you name it, for the parents, the jury’s out. Like others her age, Amy is beginning to find herself. The first place teens go is to not mom or dad. As children, they want to be just like mom and dad. As teens, they want to be just opposite mom and dad.
All I can encourage parents of teens to do is to just hang on. The ride will be bumpy, but the journey worth it. Be good role models and hold on to your values. Set healthy limits, stick to them, and catch your teen being good. The Sturm Und Drang of adolescence is the furnace of events within which their personal identity is forged.
Amy’s mom was just going to tell her that dinner was ready and to come to the table to eat. With Amy’s abrupt words, mom now has a choice. She could look at her daughter with sadness or anger and just silently turn around and leave her in her room. She could throw her hands up in a time-out gesture and confront her with, “Whoa! Time-out, young lady. You don’t talk to your mother that way. Get your butt downstairs for dinner.” While both of these options are warranted, neither will get to the heart of the matter. Both will just put more distance in the relationship.
Give Amy time to realize her harshness by starting with, “Excuse me?” If that prompt doesn’t generate a recognition of the line crossed, then follow with observation and active listening, such as, “Wow, Amy, this isn’t like you. What’s going on?” If you get silence or a short, curt answer to your essay question, make it a multiple choice question. You know your daughter well enough to come up with some options. She will then likely come to the table with you, even if in silent protest.
Is that my teen? Well, yes, it is, but just for now. Hang on. Keep the communication channels open, and your prickly caterpillar will one day be a beautiful, engaging butterfly.