Little five year old Jasmine is building a tower with blocks scattered around her bedroom floor. Mom is cleaning up in the kitchen, pauses, and notices the quiet. She puts her dish towel down and makes her way down the hall to Jazz’s bedroom.
“Hey, Pooh Bear, Whatcha doing?” she inquires. Her daughter gently places another block atop her growing tower.
“See how big my tower’s getting?” Jazz gleamed with pride.
“Uh huh,” mom demurred.
“I’m gonna build it to the sky.”
Mom paused, deciding how to handle the situation. “Sweetheart, I thought I told you to get all your stuffed toys and blocks off the floor before getting to bed. We don’t want you stumping your toe when you get up tomorrow morning.”
“Yeah, but, this is waaay better, don’tcha think? I’m taking the blocks from the floor and building a tower.”
“Okay,” mom scooped Jasmine up and gathered her daughter into her arms. “Time to clean and straighten up and then get to bed.”
“Aww, Mama. Do I hafta?”
As parents, how many times have we heard those soulful words from our kids? This is an everyday household experience that defines your healthy parenting, based on the choices you make.
Some parents respond with “Yes, young lady, you hafta. And I mean right now.” This would be a power-laden, authoritative response that reinforces your ascribed parental control. You’re the parent. You’re the boss. Your child must do what you say…NOW!
Other parents respond with “Well, maybe a few more minutes. Finish your tower while I pick up your other toys in the room.” This would be a permissive, let’s-all-go-along-to-get-along. Avoid conflict or you might scar your child for life.
Between authoritative and permissive is the healthier parental response. The authoritarian parenting style focus on your earned authority with your child, because you make effort to understand her needs and feelings, while making decisions that are in her best interests. This is a relationship-building parenting model.
First, start with active listening Jasmine’s feelings. “Wow. Look at you! You’re so proud of your tower. I know it’s hard for you to put it up for now and get ready for bed.”
“It’s the bestest tower ever.”
“You know, you are right,” Mama scoops up her baby girl to put her in bed. “Let’s keep it where it is so you can continue building it after you get up tomorrow. Time for bed.”
“Aww, Mama, do I hafta?”
“Yes. You hafta.” Time for bed, Pooh Bear.” And the bedtime routine begins without further fussing.
You are always the boss. What you say goes. It’s how you say it that determines whether you are feared or loved by your kids. Use active listening, delegation, cooperation and firm boundaries to build healthy family relationships.
When you feel distant, disconnected from your spouse, partner, or child, consider practicing emotional intimacy. It’s the glue of healthy relationships.
“Go away! Leave me alone,” Brad shouted at his mom, as he slammed his bedroom door. At 14, he was moody, rebellious, distant, and disconnected from the family, mom in particular.
Ellen, Brad’s mom, was a great mom. She made time for her three kids. She was Little League team mom for Andy, her 10 year old. Little Gracie, age 5, was Ellen’s little princess who followed her everywhere. The oldest in her growing up family, she babysat her siblings, got great grades in school, and was recruited to college on a softball scholarship.
Mom made her way to Brad’s door and gently rapped on it. “Sweetheart, it’s your mom,” she softly cooed.
“Duh. Who else would it be?” Brad rebuked.
Mom swallowed and breathed out her urge to nail her son for being disrespectful. “May I please come in?”
Brad’s silence seemed deafening. After waiting patiently for what felt forever, Ellen exhaled with relief when she noticed the bedroom door hesitatingly open.
“Just talk, or listen. Nothing else,” Ellen hesitated before being invited into her son’s bedroom.
Using her best active listening skills, Ellen noticed her son’s emotional fever coming down. She concluded, “Wow. That’s a lot on your plate. Been there, done that.”
Brad perked up, curious as to what his mom meant. Ellen shared with her son that people see her as the star student/athlete from high school and college and the got-it-together mom and community activist now. What her son didn’t know was just how hard middle school had been for her back in the day.
Having his full attention now, Mom launched into her middle school experiences of being bullied, having few friends, and gravitating toward the “emo/grunge” crowd just to fit in by not fitting in. She pulled up a photo that she had transferred to her phone as a reminder, showing her with shoulder length blue/purple/pink hair and flashing a “peace” sign.
Brad’s jaw dropped in response. Having gotten his full attention, Ellen then suggested, “I’ve got some thoughts about your current train wreck of a life. Want to hear them?”
Ellen’s share with her son describes the connect of emotional intimacy. It was deep, personal, and unexpected. I’ve developed a formula to describe the concept of emotional intimacy:
EI = R + V Emotional Intimacy develops by taking Risks and allowing
T yourself to be Vulnerable with another, over Time.
Following this formula allows you to be closer, more credible, and more complete and real with your spouse, partner, or child. Where you see a disconnect in your relationships, share something relevant that you would not ordinarily share. Open up your understanding, with feeling. It will bring you closer together. Emotional intimacy is the glue of healthy relationships.