Did you know? Parents come in all shapes and sizes. There are dictators, push-overs, just friends, overbearing, whatever, and absent parents. Most parents try to do the best they can do. Some are overwhelmed and just trying to keep their heads above water. What kind of parent are you? Maggie and I had Rachel after 7 years of marriage. We planned our family and were ready, or so we thought. Rachel ended up having the colic, probably for 4-6 weeks, but she played it for 4 months. At our wit’s end, we sought help from specialists at the Philadelphia Children’s Hospital. Only the best for our little girl. The doctor took 5 minutes with our daughter and 20 minutes with us. After giving us assurances that our little girl was fine, he noted, “You know, guys, Rachel is now one third of your family. She deserves one third of your time and attention.” Wow! That comment hit me like a ton of bricks. You mean, I can have time for myself and for my wife? Yes, you can. In fact, such time adds to the quality of time you have with your children. In Amy Chua’s book, The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom, the author makes a case for being all in with your child. She says, “demanding perfection and mastery, at all costs to you and to a balanced life, is worth it for your child to accomplish great things.” Well, no thanks. The price is too high. Others prefer the role of “the soccer mom.” These parents seem to be at their children’s beckoned call, shuttling them to soccer games and other events in hopes of giving them “a well-rounded childhood.” Also at great cost to you. Neither extreme provides a balance of activity and responsibility among all family members. Other authors, Elizabeth and Charles Schmitz, in their book, Building the Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprizing Secrets of Successful Marriage, advocate for keeping the marriage strong above all else. In Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, I describe a Plexiglas pyramid, where above the point is God. As we are in relationship with Him, we have healthy resources for ourselves. As we are in relationship with ourselves, we can be there for our spouse. As the marriage is healthy, we can be there for our children. These pyramid relationships provide the balance of activity and responsibility within which all family members thrive. Where are your priorities, and what kind of parent are you?
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As parents, we are charged by God to “raise our children up in the ways of the Lord so that, when they grow old, He will not depart from them.” (Proverbs 22:6). That’s the signature verse for my book, Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting. That verse challenges us to love, honor, respect, guide, teach, and be there for our children in all circumstances. It also challenges us to set healthy boundaries, confront, restrict, and, yes, even say “no” at times to our children’s requests. Saying “no” is a vital part of healthy, Christian parenting. “But Mommy, why not? Huh? Why not? You said ‘yes’ the last time. Mommy, pleeeease!” Eight year old Amy was not going to give up her request that her mom accept being her 3rd grade classroom mom. Denise had hesitated in answering her daughter just long enough for Amy to hope her no could be turned into a yes. Reminding her mom that she was her 2nd grade classroom mom last year was Amy’s effort to play the guilt card. “Sweetheart, it’s time for another mom to step up. I’ve got too many things to do as it is. I can’t add something else to that list.” Amy stuck her lower lip out and pouted, adding, “You don’t love me anymore.” Denise could have given in or fussed at her daughter for accusing her of not loving her. Instead, she saw Amy’s emotional fever rise and active listened her hurting daughter. “Aw, baby. I know you’re disappointed.” She gathered Amy into her arms for a big hug. Amy pushed her mama away and stomped her feet. Denise began to feel manipulated and that angered her. “Young lady, enough. What part of “no” do you not understand?” Had Amy persisted, a brief time-out would have been in order. In Chapter 3 of my book, I challenge that children will always test the limits. Saying “no” strategically eases your child’s anxious and fearful feelings. They need for you to be in charge. They just will never tell you that. You have needs and feelings too, and you balance yours with theirs. Saying “no” builds character and resilience, and can be another path to teachable moments. P.T. Barnum, the great circus entrepreneur, was right when he suggested that you can please some of the people some of the time, but never all of the people all of the time. That bit of wisdom can help families plan for vacation. Whether it’s a weekend trip to grandma’s or a week or two at the beach, vacations go better with full family planning. “Okay, guys,” barked dad, “I called this family meeting to jointly plan the best…vacation…ever for our family. I told you about this a couple weeks ago and asked all of us to come up with realistic fun ideas for a vacation that all of us can enjoy.” With this opening, the Clarks gathered in comfy chairs in the family room. Nine year old Emily was enthusiastic, while teens Donnie and Alex tolerated her and the meeting. Mom had baked fresh cookies for the event and dad had asked all to allow for no more than an hour to come up with something. “Alex, Donnie, put your electronics up. No distractions, just good ideas,” chimed in mom, “Who wants to suggest something?” This would be a great beginning to a productive meeting. If you’ve never had a family meeting before, use this as a template, but expect a bumpy ride until you get a rhythm. Mom and dad are in charge. They active listen the griping, confront the off-task behavior, and encourage helpful ideas. First, they tackle brainstorming all ideas. Be ready for someone to suggest something totally off the wall. Even so, write all ideas down without comment. After compiling a list, the parents encourage the kids to look at each item carefully within the restrictions of time and money. Some will feel constrained, even defeated. Active listen again and help them get back on track. Make sure each family member’s needs and feelings are addressed and that the list has at least one activity geared special for each family member. Also, everybody does their part in getting ready for, packing, unpacking, and sharing in the chores needed for all to have a great time. Finally, a parent or older child is directed to write down the outcomes of the family meeting and everybody gets a copy of it. This curtails the “yeah, but’s” and “you said’s” that can sabotage the outcome. If the process bogs down, don’t go longer than an hour. Just schedule a follow-up time to pick up where you left off. There will be foot-dragging when you try something new like this in your vacation planning. However, the rewards of sharing, fun, and letting loose will be the result of keeping at it and getting it done. The process of planning vacation time as a family can, in itself, be a teachable moment for all. In 2016, a parenting researcher, Maria Goeveia and her colleagues, introduced us to the concept of mindful parenting. This is the best mindset within which to find teachable moments in your parenting journey. In short, being a mindful parent involves savoring every moment. Mandy was baking cookies one Tuesday morning. Her 3 yr old daughter, Cindy, was helping. Mandy got the milk, eggs and flour into the mixing bowl and showed Cindy how to mix them together. She carefully helped her get started. Mandy then turned to get something out of the fridge and left Cindy a few feet away mixing up the ingredients. She turned back when she heard a squeal of delight from her little one, just as Cindy was flicking mixed ingredients from the whisking wand in all directions. Some of the gooey mess struck Mandy right on the cheek. Mandy has a choice here. She could focus on the mess, scold Cindy, and banish her to her room. She would then grumble to herself while straightening the kitchen. This is all too often the response. Or, she could wipe the batter off her cheek and quickly get to Cindy’s side before more mess is made. Then Mandy could fold Cindy into her arms and squeal in delight with her daughter, as they spin around together. Was Cindy too young to help mom with baking cookies in the kitchen? Maybe, but she was having the time of her life. Was a big mess made? Definitely, but messes are temporary, laughter and playfulness is forever. After being playful with her daughter for a while, Mandy found a teachable moment and directed Cindy in helping her clean up the mess and get back to baking cookies, with Mandy’s more attentive supervision. As a mindful parent, you active listen with full attention to your child. You are non-judgmental and accepting of your child in the moment. You have keen emotional awareness within yourself and for your child. You encourage self-regulation through your teaching and sharing. And you have compassion for yourself and for your child. Mindful parenting is indeed savoring and learning from the moment. Behavior management is in your job description as a parent. Some parents don’t like this job, and their kids run wild. Other parents see this as their only job, and their kids are rigid, uncreative, and often fear-driven. In my book, Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, I offer step-by-step directions of a relational, interactive version of behavior management centered on what I call The Good Kid Chart. Eight year old Dante was bossing his little sister around and getting her to do his chores. “Son, you know better than that,” growled Dad. “How would you like me to do that to you? Go to your room.” Well, yeah. That’s exactly how Dad was treating Dante. Where do you think Dante learned to boss his sister around and get her to do his work? Is he going to learn not to boss his sister by being sent to his room? The Good Kid Chart is the focus of a productive, positive, change-oriented version of standard behavior management. The name itself is a directive on helping your child become a good kid. After you and your spouse identify the target behaviors you want your child to work on, sit down with him to review the procedures. Target behaviors, by the way, are always positively oriented. No one wants to work toward a negative. So, “Don’t be bossy to your sister” becomes “Play nicely and treat your sister with respect.” There are four components of the system. During a family meeting with your child, orient him to The Good Kid Chart. Active listen his protests and prompt his working on meeting the target behaviors. Then compile three lists of 6-10 items each. A list of daily rewards, of weekly rewards, and of consequences. The more involved your child is in creating these lists, the more he will buy into the process. Daily and weekly rewards are always within your time and resource limits. Consequences occur with severe outburst. If you want Dante to play nice with his sister and he yells at her and pushes her down, that’s severe. He not only does not get a sticker on his Good Kid Chart, but also gets a punishment. Allowing him to pick one of 6-10 consequences helps him own his punishment. If he refuses, you get to pick two. The Good Kid Chart. What a great way to create teachable moments and help you child become the person you want him to be. As you continue your parenting journey, how do you want that to go? Will it be trial and error? Just repeat how you were parented? Leave it up to somebody else? My preference is for you to fill every moment of your parenting journey, every interaction with your child, with grace. “Billy, you careless blankity-blank, spilling your glass of milk again! Go get me that hickory stick. You need a whuppin’” Not much grace there. Billy was careless, but not likely on purpose. Accidents happen. Where’s the grace? “Cassandra, again? What’s with you and milk? Can we get through one meal without you spilling something? Here, let me clean it up.” Not much grace there either. Shaming is just internal punishment. “Maggie, come on. Don’t just look at the mess. Go get paper towels and help my clean it up. What am I gonna do with you, girl?” Now that’s grace in action. Grace is a quality of calm understanding, a safe haven for your children in their storms of life. It involves gentle guidance and meaningful direction. It involves strategic firmness and clear understanding of choices, providing reward for good choices and consequence for bad choices. It results in a very meaningful teachable moment. Billy’s dad showed anger, power, and control, not grace. Cassandra’s mom showed exasperation, burden, and frustration. Maggie’s mom was purposeful but calm. She involved her daughter in the clean-up, demonstrating meaningful consequences to Maggie’s actions. After the mess was cleaned up and dinner completed, she likely sat Maggie down to go over what had happened, active listen her feelings, and prompt her daughter to identify ways to be more careful in the future. The responses from Billy’s dad and Cassandra’s mom were about them and their feelings. The response from Maggie’s mom was about Maggie, getting the mess cleaned up, and making a teachable moment for her daughter. This is the heart of grace-filled parenting. Every parent wants their children to get a good night’s rest. Our sleeping time is when our body’s immune system is most efficient. It’s when our body’s physically grow and heal from injury. Sleep is the best form of stress management. But, for moms and dads, as you are putting your children to bed, there’s an art to the process. Five year old Mandy wants to stay up as late as her 10 year old sister, with whom she shares a bedroom. Daddy cuddles her as she tearfully protests going to bed before sissy. He active listens her feelings and she calms. He asks, “Can I share some things with you that I know because I’m so smart and you don’t because you’re just a squirt?” Mandy giggles and agrees to hear him out. Dismissing your child’s protest, yelling at her, and demanding in bed, lights out, no talking, is the worst way to put a child to bed. Their adrenaline spikes, stress levels elevate, fear sets in, and the absolute last thing they can do is fall asleep. They will eventually fatigue and their eyes will close, but this is not a restful sleep. Studies show that newborns will sleep upwards from 15 hours/day. Toddlers up to age 5 need at least 12 hours for growth and calm mood. School-age children benefit most from at least 10 hours of sleep a night. Teens and adults are recommended to have at least 8 hours/night. The average sleep time nationally for teens and adults, however is 7 hours, 28 minutes. So, as a whole, we are sleep deprived. To give your child the best bedtime routine, focus on routine and look for teachable moments. Usually, a rule of thumb is allowing 30 minutes of calming activity before lights out. Calming activity includes, depending on age, rocking, bedtime stories, singing lullabyes, and talking about day’s events. These are all teachable moments and emotional bonding time. Multiple requests for more drink, multiple bathroom breaks, forgetting to brush teeth, one more, pleaaase requests are all excuses and stalls, which need to be firmly shut down. Consistent routines and creative, personalized rituals make for pleasant childhood memories and sweet dreams. Mr. Adams heard a crash in the next room and got up to investigate. As he got to the door, he caught a look from his 10 year old son, Alex. “Boy! What did you do?” he bellowed. “It was an accident. I was going to watch TV and just touched it for a second as I came around the couch, Papa.” His dad began to take his belt out from the loops in his pants, steam seemingly swirling up from his ears. Alex began to back away and he started to cry. “Papa, it was an accident.” “All accidents are preventable, Son. You weren’t careful.” Alex got to the door to the back yard and paused. He looked back at his angry dad approaching him. “Don’t you run from me, boy. You’ll just get more licks if you do. Take your punishment and learn your lesson. Be more careful.” Alex thought a moment and retreated back into the room, resigned to the licking. I hope that is not a scene from the story unfolding in your house. Alex’ dad chose to parent by fear and power, under the guise of teaching his son a lesson in being more careful. But who benefitted from this punishment? Not Alex. Oh, Alex may have chosen to be more careful in the future, to avoid another beating. But that’s not a teachable moment. That’s survival. A mindful parent, whose focus is on relationship, as well as accountability, would have handled this situation differently. Mr. Adams heard a crash in the next room and got up to investigate. He found his son, Alex, standing over a broken vase on the floor. “What happened, Son?” “It was an accident, Dad.” “You didn’t mean to knock the vase off the table?” “No, of course not.” “Okay, what needs to be done now?” Dad then got a dust mop and a broom from the closet and handed them to Alex. As Alex cleaned up the mess, Dad noted that the vase needed to be replaced and asked how that was going to happen. He also noted that the vase was his mom’s favorite, in that it came from grandma’s home and matched the room’s décor so well. Alex and his dad agreed to dig into Alex’ savings account and dad would take him to the store to find a replacement vase. When mom got home that evening, Alex agreed to explain to her what happened, present her with the replacement vase, and apologize for his carelessness. That series of natural consequences not only captures a teachable moment between dad and Alex, it is way better than punishment. God’s marching orders to parents come in Proverbs 22:6. There, He tells us to “raise your children in the ways of the Lord so that, when they grow old, He will not depart from them.” A popular version of Scripture elsewhere cautions us not to “spare the rod and spoil the child.” So, my question to you is this. Is your parenting style power-oriented or relationship-oriented.? “My kid toes the line,” one parent told me gruffly. “If he doesn’t, I smack him. That’s what God says to do.” “Well, Joe,” I responded, “That’s one way of looking at it. But tell me, how’s that working for you and your son?” The rod can be a source of discipline in the home, but the outcome for your child is fear. Fear of being punished is a deterrent to being bad, but do you want your child to fear you? What about his behavior, choices, and relationship does your child learn from a good whipping? If you are choosing physical punishment for your child’s misbehavior, never whip him while you are angry. Give both of you a time out of up to 30 minutes before the punishment, so that you can calm down. Some parents say, “You know, son, this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.” While such comment might help you feel less guilty, your child still feels the sting of the whipping. When you choose power, it most likely comes at the expense of relationship. I choose relationship. “Joey, what in the world were you thinking? Go to your room and think about what you did, and how you could have avoided this trouble by choosing something different. I’ll be by to talk to you in 30 minutes.” When you talk with him, use your active listening to understand his feelings and actions. Prompt him to discover other, healthier options to his bad behavior. Find a natural consequence, rather than punishment, that fits the crime. Hitting your son because he hit your daughter just teaches him about payback. Having him apologize to her and do her chores for a week teaches him that actions have consequences. Instead of a whipping, where everybody feels bad, you have the opportunity for a teachable moment. Do you want power or healthy relationship in your home? Let me take you on a ride. A space launch to be exact. Ever been on one? I didn’t think so, as there have only been about a hundred or so American astronauts. This space launch is a metaphor for how your teens become adults. As shown in the recent movie, Hidden Figures, and more fully in the past movie, Apollo 13, it takes a team for any space launch to be successful. There are a whole bunch of people at ground control. For the US, that’s Houston, TX. Remember the famous line from Apollo 13? “Houston, we have a problem.” Also, these launches take years, decades of preparation, with new technology always adding to the mix. And astronauts are groomed, prepared, and meet certain criteria of stamina and expertise even to get into the astronaut training program. No space launch is exactly perfect, so the spaceship trajectory is adjusted, mid-course corrections, by the ship’s pilot, in consultation with ground control. I know you see where I’m going with this. As we prepare to launch our teens from adolescence to adulthood, we see the parallels to manned space flights. We, the parents, are their primary ground control, although we ask extended family and experts to give us help and counsel. When did ground control start its work? When your son or daughter was born. Their entire life is a preparation for launch. Finally, the day arrives. Your child fills their car with their stuff and is off to college or work, with a different place to live. Suppose he gets lost? He talks to Siri or consults his GPS app on his phone. Suppose he runs short of funds? He goes to his local ATM or, more likely, he calls you for a “loan.” These are the mid-course corrections of his space flight, for which he is primarily responsible, but not without your wise counsel. As he continues his space journey of exploration, are you hawking over him, ready to advise and protect? No, advice-based parenting was appropriate in his teen years. When he becomes an adult you switch to consultative parenting. “I have some thoughts about what you are going through, son. Do you want to hear them?” And then wait for him to give you permission. What about Sunday dinners back home with you? Mission to ground control, we have successful space launch to adulthood. |
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