Are we failing as parents?

     What happens in our families when trouble comes our way? How are we there for our kids? What role do rewards and consequences play in righting the ship? Your answers to these questions indicate whether you are succeeding or failing as a parent.
          Little 8-year-old Abby comes home from school, puts her backpack down on the floor inside the kitchen door, and then turns to go back outside to play with her awaiting friends.
          “Hi, Sweetheart. How was your d…wait, what?” puzzles her mom. She follows her daughter with her gaze, as Abby meets up with her friends. She goes to the door and calls after her.
          “Abby. Stop. What’s your hurry? Come here.”
          Abby sighs and frowns. “Moooom,” she draws out with frustration, “Can’t I just go and play?”
          “After we talk,” mom decides as she holds the door open for her daughter to come back inside. Abby then plops down on a chair at the kitchen table. “Jeeez!” She huffs, as she sees her mom reaching for her backpack.
          “So,” as she rummages through her daughter’s backpack, “anything in here that I need to know about?”
          Abby huffs loudly, “Okay, I failed a spelling test and my teacher wants you to sign that you saw it.”
          “Failed spelling? Well, that’s a big deal.”
          At this juncture, Abby’s mom steers a parenting path toward success or failure by her reaction. Parenting success comes if she starts with, “Gosh, honey. This isn’t like you. What else was going on here?” This is a subliminal compliment. Mom’s really saying that she knows her daughter usually gives her best effort and does well on tests at school.
          However, if mom chose to belittle, diminish, chastise, or go straight to punishment, she could be adding to Abby’s pain and embarrassment, blocking any future trust or emotional intimacy.
          Dad receives a phone call from the police department in their hometown. He accepts the collect call from the jail.
          “Hey, Dad. I’m in trouble.”
          This is every parent’s worst nightmare. What to do? Your choices impact your success or failure as a parent.
          You could moan and groan about where you and his mom went wrong, that your son turned out this way, and how could he do this to you?
          You could blame the group of kids he hangs with.
          You could blame each other, as to who coddled him and who was too strict on him.
        You could refuse to bail him out and just let him sit with the consequences of his actions.
          All of these options add to the emotional distance between you and your son, shut down communication, and set up a power differential, where winning the moment is more important than loving your child.
          Parents who succeed at parenting have a mindset of loving their children through any adversity that comes their way and never giving up on them. When trouble knocks at your family door, invite it in to talk about what happened, and in a nonjudgmental way. Get all the details. Use your active listening skills to hear how the trouble affects your child. Only when he’s talked out and all of his feelings are heard can you ask permission to share your thoughts and ideas.
          Parents who succeed at parenting embrace their child’s trouble as a “we problem.” Your child needs to know he is not alone, that you’ve got his back, that we’ll get through this together. With all of these things, transparency, accountability, boundaries, and consequences all apply. Being there for your child doesn’t mean he gets off scott-free.
          Ultimately, as a parent, you are successful when your child makes positive changes that keeps the trouble from happening again. This happens when you help him turn the trouble into a blessing in disguise.
          How we all handle trouble defines our character. Trouble will happen, coming both in small and big ways. It’s not what happens, but how we handle what happens that promotes healthy stress management and resilience. Here’s to your being a success in your parenting.
Blessings,
Dr. Jon

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