My precious 6 year old daughter, many years ago, came home from a private home daycare. She was sporting a fancy, women’s watch on her wrist. “Hey, Sweetheart. Whatcha got there?” I asked. She proudly extended her arm to me to show off her prize. “It’s a watch. Paul gave it to me. It’s my birthday, ya know,” she explained. Actually, her birthday was months away. I could have exploded her story right then and put her in her room both for lying and for stealing. But…I wanted to see how far she would take this. “I see…Hmmm. Paul gave you this expensive, lady’s watch as a birthday gift?” “Uh huh. He’s my boyfriend, ya know.” So, having given her an opportunity to fess up, I crafted a teachable moment. “Okay, then. Let’s go right back to Paul’s house and see if it is okay with Paul’s mom for him to give you such an expensive birthday gift.” My daughter got quiet and then erupted, “Oh no. We don’t have to do that. Isn’t it pretty?” she protested, as I picked her up, got her in her car seat, and made the short trip to Paul’s house. On arrival, Paul’s mom answered the door and I explained the circumstances. “Oh my goodness. Thank you so much. I had looked everywhere for my watch. With prompting from me, my daughter reluctantly owned up to her theft and offered an apology. On our return trip home, I alternatively consoled her, active listened her feelings, and praised her for correcting a bad choice. On arrival, I sent her to her room for some alone time and to think about the impact of her actions. Later, after talking to her more, I helped her write a letter of apology and draw a pretty picture for Paul’s mom. A punishment for my daughter’s crime would have been a spanking or grounding with no explanation. Punishment would have satisfied me, shown my power, diminished her self-esteem, and created emotional distance between us. I chose a series of natural consequences that made it about her, maintained her self-esteem, and brought us emotionally closer together. Punishment or natural consequence. Which would you choose?
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All kids get into stuff. Tots and teens? It doesn’t matter. They all mess up. How you handle these mess ups is what really matters. Turn a mess up into a teachable moment by using the Sandwich Effect. Because all kiss mess up, as parents, we can’t catch them being good enough. Every time your child does something right, obeys, shares, listens, organizes, sets up his own accountability system, and makes good lifestyle decisions, praise and reinforce his good choices. Teach them to use the What Would Jesus Do standard. However, stuff happens, and that needs your attention as well. When stuff becomes a learning experience for your daughter, she will become more accountable and grow wiser. So, praise and consequence. Conflicting concepts? Not in the least. Behold the Sandwich Effect. Fourteen year old Paul has a big social studies test tomorrow. It’s quiet upstairs and you anticipate Paul getting into his studies. You go to his bedroom door just to check on him and you see him with Ipod and ear buds, playing his air guitar and dancing around the room. Part of you wants to yell at him to get back to work, as you yank his Ipod from his hand. You take a deep breath and the wiser parent in you prevails. “Aww, man!” you start as you walk into his room. Paul gives you that oh crap, deer-in-the-headlights look. You continue, “Son, you were getting some serious studying in tonight. I just don’t think it’s a good idea to keep the Ipod cranked up and dance around your room if you plan to ace that test tomorrow. Turn off the music for just another twenty minutes, and I will come in to quiz you on what you’ve studied. Gosh, some day you’re gonna make me a rich man with your music, ya know.” Do you see what you just did? You started with a positive, serious studying, and followed with a negative, music distraction. You concluded with another, longer term, hopeful positive, benefits of his music. You sandwiched your negative between two positives. Start with a comment or affirmation, followed by constructive criticism, and conclude with more affirmation and encouragement. This is the formula for using the Sandwich Effect to create a teachable moment. A favorite book of mine “back in the day” was titled, The Hurried Child. The notion was that our children have so much stress because they are always on the go. And I’m not just talking about hyperactive kids. With internet technology, all kinds of communication tools, plus encouraged activities such as recreational sports, scouting, church, and clubs, when can they take a breath? And, when can we catch up with them? Because of all the options on and pressure for their time and attention, we will want to grab every teachable moment we can with our kids, making the most of opportunities with them. Dad was taking son Joey to his Little League baseball practice one late Spring afternoon. Joey was eating his snack dinner in the car as they traveled there. “So, my man, excited about your game tomorrow night against the Pirates?” Between mouthfuls, Joey shrugged his shoulder and offered, “Whatever, yeah, I guess.” Noticing his son’s mood, Dad joked, “Well, now, don’t be so enthusiastic, big guy.” Again Joey shrugged, “It’s just that, I mean, Robbie’s pitching and I haven’t hit him yet all season.” In his best active listening form, Dad looked for a feeling. “So, you’re afraid he’ll get the best of you again?” “What do you think?” Joey conceded, with dejection in his voice. “I’ll tell you what I think, son, can I tell you?” “Whatever, yeah,” Joey mumbled from a full mouth. “I think that, what you pay attention to grows.” “Huh?” Joey questioned. “You know, focus on the positive and it will grow. Focus on the negative and it will grow.” “Well, I’m positive Robbie’s gonna get the best of me again.” “But you don’t know that, because it hasn’t happened yet, son. You can turn this around. Get your licks in with batting practice tonight and face Robbie in the batter’s box tomorrow night, just daring him to try and throw one by you. Focus on the positive and it will grow.” After taking his dad’s wise counsel in, Joey conceded, “Yeah. I’ll try it. We’ll see what happens.” Your teachable moments with your children do not have to be weekend camping trips, although don’t rule them out. Use a 5-minute car ride to connect. Make the most of all the available opportunities. As we all know, kids come in all shapes and sizes. You know what else? So do parents. Some parents choose to be the power-oriented, in control kind of guy. These folks parent by fear and have only a fear-based relationship with their children. “My way or the highway” is their theme. Others go to the opposite extreme and become a doormat to their children. “Yes, dear. Whatever you want” They fear that confronting their child or setting healthy boundaries will stunt their emotional growth and lower their self-esteem. Such well-intentioned parents will put their child in T-Ball, where runs scored are not kept because “we want them all to be winners.” Fortunately, Jesus gave us another option, providing a third role model for effective parenting. Before the Last Supper, He removed his outer robe, got a bowl and washcloth, and washed the feet of his disciples. This lowly but loving act of service is our example of being a servant parent. What??? Let’s be clear. This was not submission. It was servanthood. Jesus followed with His teachings about the first being last and the greatest being the least. Being a servant parent involves understanding your child’s needs and feelings, and being supportive while helping tend to them. Fifteen year old Chip stomped into his dad’s den early one morning, where dad was paying bills. “Dad, this shirt’s dirty and I want to wear it today.” Dad stopped his work, and, while getting up, responded, “Okay, Son, let me wash it for you right away.” While thinking he was being helpful, dad was being a doormat, with no teachable moment in sight. Eight year old Tommy is doing his homework in his room. His mom checks on him and offers, “I’ve got some time, Son. If you put your vocabulary words on flash cards, I’ll quiz you when you’re finished.” Classic servant parenting. Being helpful and available, sharing the load. And ripe for a teachable moment. Which are you? Power dude, doormat or servant parent? When you see or hear your child having an issue, and you conclude that his emotional fever is spiking, your efforts to give him active listening are coming from your heart. The beauty of active listening is that you are right when you are right, and you are right when you are wrong. Whaaat? You are helping Bobby with his homework one night. He erases his answer to the same math problem for the third time. He screams, breaks his pencil in half, and flings the pieces across the room. Most parents would be inclined to firmly respond, “Now Bobby, calm down. Throwing a fit isn’t going to get you the answer to this math problem.” You are being a concerned parent in correcting Bobby’s behavior, but have you missed a teachable moment? With that response, Bobby may just turn on you, or stomp out of the room. “Wow, Son. You’re really angry right now.” “No I’m not. I’m frustrated. How can I be so stupid? I can’t get this answer right,” might be Bobby’s response just before he dissolves into tears. So, you were active listening, but you missed the mark. You suggested anger, when Bobby was feeling frustration. You were wrong, but you were right, because you’re focusing on his feelings leading Bobby to think what he was feeling and then tagging it for you. Now you can fold him into your arms and let him cry it out for a while, reassuring him that he is smart and encouraging him to try again, with your help if he wants it. Active listening promotes bonding and encourages your child to think through and work on solving their own issues or problems. If you judge, criticize, or solve their problem for them, you run the risk of distancing from her and diminishing her confidence and worth. Active listening when you see your child’s emotional fever spike is coming from your heart and brings you closer together, and even when you are wrong, you can be right. I’ve shared with you how active listening is your go-to response when your child has an emotional fever. This is the proverbial “You feel…” comment, where you give your child what you think she is feeling at the moment. However, to engage your daughter, dare to be different. That is, be creative in how you empathize. Also, to help her know how important her feelings are to you, expand your responses. Allison comes running in from outside, where she was talking to her friend, Jennifer. Allison slams the door and stomps into the kitchen, where you are cleaning up. “Jennifer says I’m dumb and she won’t play with me.” You gather her up in your arms and she sobs into your shoulder. An active listening response might be, “You feel hurt.” Daring to be different, you could expand that with, “Aw, baby, it hurts when Jennifer says mean things to you.” Allison will then hug you closer. Another tool in your response toolbox is called passive listening. Yep, you guessed it. This is simply being quiet and letting Allison just be or just talk. A verbal prompt that could help her share her feelings is called a noncommittal response. Us shrinks call this the therapeutic grunt, such as, “uh huh, hmmm, I see” This tells Allison that you are listening and encouraging her to share more. A third tool for you is parroting. This is when you say back as a question exactly what she just said. “Jennifer says you’re dumb and that she won’t play with you?” Here, you are making sure that you heard right and again prompting her to continue. The fourth tool is paraphrasing. Here you give her content, but not necessarily feelings. “So she’s not playing with you because she thinks your dumb?” Active listening is the gold standard for helping your child through tough times, but you can also expand your responses with parroting, noncommittal responses, paraphrasing, and just being quietly there with her, that is, passive listening. All of these options keep you engaged with your child in her hurt and let her know how important she is to you, helping her find her way out of her hurt. Expanding your responses helps you stay connected. Four year old Matthew climbs up on their kitchen counter to retrieve the large box of dry kitty food. “Mommy,” he asks, “Can I feed the kitty?” Simple request. Our kids ask our permission almost all the time, and mostly we say yes. However, where parents are emotionally tuned in to their children, getting permission works both ways. Matthew’s mom has several choices. She could quickly reach over her son for the canister of dry kitty food and abruptly add, “Here, I’ll do that.” Or, she could caution, “Sweetheart, I think that’s too big for you to handle. Can I help?” Or, she could say, “Sure, Honey,” while gritting her teeth and preparing to pounce to avoid a mess. Taking over avoids the possible mess, but also deprives Matthew of a teachable moment. Mom’s unintended hidden message is, “Son, my keeping control and keeping my house orderly is more important than your curiosity and wanting to help me.” Ouch! Not good. Asking to help him is a step in the right direction, but her judgment that the canister is too big for him to handle deprives Matthew of an opportunity to experiment and to stretch his abilities. Telling him to go ahead, but expecting disaster, may set Matthew up for problems and feeling responsible for making the mess. This teachable moment in the making needs to start with mom giving observations and asking permission of her 4 year old son. “Matty, I’m glad you want to help kitty get to her food. You’re getting to be such a big boy. I know you don’t want to make a big mess and then have to clean it up. I have an idea. Can I share an it with you?” Getting permission from your child, at whatever age, often comes as a pleasant surprise to him. It also puts the focus on the relationship, not just the task. You share your wisdom and your child has an opportunity to grow, with your guidance. This is the value of getting permission. In my book, Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, chapter 1 is titled “Communication Is Relationship.” A corollary to this statement is my belief that you cannot not communicate. Children, teens, parents, families are always communicating with each other, if not verbally, then nonverbally. Mike’s dad asked him to help him wash the car. He was gaming on his bed in his room early in the afternoon on a beautiful day. Mike looked up from his game toward his father, but with only a blank stare. Was he responding to his dad’s direct request? You betcha. His nonverbal communication either said “I didn’t hear you,” or, “I don’t want to hear you.” His hope, I’m sure, was that dad would just go away. Bethany’s mom was talking on the phone to one of her friends, when she toddled over to the kitchen counter and began tugging on her mama’s pants leg. Mom shook her leg free and turned in her chair as she continued her phone call. Were mom and daughter communicating? Oh, yeah, however unhelpful their nonverbals were to each other. Bethany was saying with her tug, “Mama, I need some attention.” Mom’s response was, “Go away. Leave me alone. Can’t you see that I’m on the phone? My conversation with my friend is more important than you are right now.” When your child’s nonverbal communication is vague, indirect, or confusing, help them with a prompt like, “Sweetheart, I’m confused. Can you use your words?” If the behavior is intense or suggests distress, it will trigger your emotional fever alarm and you want to use your active listening skills. “Wow. You really slammed down that book. Are you frustrated?” Once her feelings are acknowledged, she will be more receptive to your correcting her behavior. We are always communicating, whether it’s verbally, nonverbally, or even both. Teachable moments come from tuning in, decoding, and understanding the underlying feelings. I’ve talked with you at length about how active listening is the go-to response when your child has an emotional fever. Emotional fevers come in all shapes and sizes. A verbal outburst, defiance, silence, being mean to siblings, exclamations like “not fair!” and the like all indicate feelings that are going on inside your child. If they are not expressed in helpful words, then they will continue to come out in unhelpful behavior. In your active listening response, be creative with your words and dare to be different. Ten year old Emily comes in from outside and slams the door behind her. Recognizing an active listening moment, you comment, “You feel angry.” “You won’t believe what Alice just said to me.” “You feel surprised.” “Whatever, she’s so mean.” “You feel rejected.” With exasperation, Emily huffs, “Mama, will you get off the ‘you feel’ kick.” Going through the motions of active listening, with repeatedly leading in with “you feel,” will shortly fall on deaf ears. Emily just knows that mama is trying re-state her feelings, but not trying to be with her in her emotional pain. Emily comes in from outside and slams the door. “Wow! That was loud. Everything okay dear?” “No, it’s not okay. Alice just called me a freak because I got my hair cut short.” “It sounds like Alice hurt your feelings by calling you names.” Raising her voice, Emily clenches her fists and sobs, “She’s so mean.” Mama gathers her into her arms, stroking her hair, and adds, “Alice and you are best friends. It really makes you sad when she says thoughtless things, and you don’t know what to do.” By words and actions, mama is being with Emily in her emotional pain. The words are varied responses to what mama sees and hears from Emily. Emily may cry for a short while in her mama’s arm, and then mama will notice her emotional fever going down. Crisis calmed more quickly, and then they can think about problem-solving. Because mama was creative in her words and actions, and she dared to be different, Emily is more willing and able to find a good solution. Soon we will be coming up on barbeque season, for me anyway. Although I have seen people barbeque in the snow. When grilling a burger, it’s easy to burn and it won’t be well cooked if you don’t flip it on the grill. Flipping a burger, even several times, and adding seasoning, gives it opportunity to cook just right. I can see it on the grill and imagine its savory taste even right now. Similarly, while training your children up in the ways of the Lord so that, when they grow old, He will not depart from them, and those are our marching orders from Proverbs 22:6, don’t forget to flip your comments back and forth. Saturday morning is cleaning time in the Bower household. Jason is buried in his ipad, lost in a gaming battle. As she opens his bedroom door, mom calls out, “Son, put the gaming up. Let’s get your room straight.” “yeah, yeah, Okay, in a minute,” Jason muffles a reply. Here, mom has a choice. She can choose power. She walks to his bedside, grabs the ipad out of his hands, clicks it off, and orders, “I said now, young man.” Jason will nut up, mouth off, and reluctantly comply. Mom could also, however, choose relationship. Confront. “Okay, son, what part of let’s go did you not understand?” Jason would test the limit with, “I said okay mom, in a minute.” Here is where mom notices her son’s emotional fever and so she uses her active listening. “Wow, Jason, you’re really locked in on that game right now.” This acknowledgement lowers Jason’s emotional fever to where he is more receptive. "Yeah, I haven’t gotten this far in the game before.” “You’re excited to be winning,” mom observes. Having flipped to active listening to engage her son in the relationship, mom can then make a suggestion. “Tell you what, take a moment to pause the action, so you can pick up where you left off after we tackle your room.” Make the direction. Flip to active listening however many times it takes to see your child’s emotional fever come down. Return to a revised direction. You retain your authority, ditch the power, and build the relationship. Don’t forget to flip it. |
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