Your 3 year old daughter, Megan, is trying to build a tower with blocks. It keeps falling down. After three tries, the fourth time it falls down again. She picks up a block and hurls it, before throwing herself on the floor and dissolving into tears. Being the ever vigilant mom, you see this meltdown and conclude, “Hmm. Looks like my little girl has an emotional fever.” You go to Megan to console her. This is your moment of decision. Some moms would scold. “Young lady, you don’t throw blocks like that. You could have broken something or hurt your brother.” That scolding, although completely warranted, does not console and creates emotional distance between you and Megan. Other moms might go into lecture mode. “Darling, how do you expect to get that tower made if you just give up like that? You know what they say, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” Again, lost opportunity and, by the way, you might duck after the lecture because Megan might just wing the next block at you. When your child has a problem, and you notice symptoms of an emotional fever, active listening is the go-to remedy. Scolding or lecturing take lots of empty words to make your point. These tactics are all about you and your power. Active listening uses an economy of words. The fewer the better. Your goal is to try to say back to Megan what you think she might be feeling in the moment. “Wow! You’re really frustrated right now, huh?” As a rule of thumb, most people can accurately state a feeling in five words or less. More words creeps into lecture mode, or unnecessary explanation that dilutes the impact of shared feeling. However, as long as you see symptoms of an emotional fever, continue active listening. Stay current with what your child is saying. Most kids can say they are mad, glad, sad, or bad. Active listening helps them expand their feeling word vocabulary and enriches the emotional intimacy you are building with your child. When helping your child through a difficulty, use active listening. And, did you know? Less is more.
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In a perfect world, you get your child and she gets you all the time. Everybody who lives in such a perfect world, raise your hand. Nope. I didn’t think so. In our imperfect world, what we say and how we say it doesn’t always match. So we have verbal and nonverbal communication. As parents, we need to actively listen to both what our children say and to how they say it. Your five year old son is sitting in a chair, arms crossed over his chest, scowling, and he then turns his chair completely away from you. In your best parenting way, you ask, “Hey, buddy, what’s up?” His response? “Leave me alone. I don’t love you anymore.” Your shoulders slump and there’s a catch in your throat. You turn to leave the room, and then he starts crying. His verbals tell you go away, but his nonverbals tell you to stay. What to do? When confronted with mixed signals, attend to both and accept your confusion. A self-absorbed parent might respond to his child’s words with, “You don’t talk to me that way. I am your father.” With those comments, you’ve lost opportunity to console your child, find out what happened, and have a teachable moment. Instead, stay in the moment and acknowledge what you think is going on. “Wow. I’m really confused. You tell me to go away, but then start crying when I do. Wanna talk about it?” Sometimes, under even the best circumstances, your child will say, “no.” Don’t persist. Simply suggest, “I can give you your space, but when you do want to talk about it, I want to listen.” Similarly, if your teen approaches you asking to talk and you respond, “Sure, Son. What’s on your mind?” Yet, your head and attention are still buried in the newspaper. Here, you are the one with the mixed messages. Your words will have more impact and be more important to your child when your head, your heart, and your voice are all on the same page. When your verbal and nonverbal communication line up, you have more integrity with your child. When you observe and try to unravel your child’s mixed messages, you develop emotional intimacy and opportunity for a teachable moment. How you say it is just as important as what you say. Your child is looking downcast and more quiet than usual. Do you continue to focus in on the TV, hoping his phase will go away, or do you address the problem? What to do? When my daughter was 3 years old, a long time ago, I was talking to a friend in the back yard. She came up to me and pulled on my pant leg. “Daddy, I need some attention.” Not your typical 3 year old, and not the kind of attention-getting behavior our children give us. However your child acts, pay attention to the cues. Rachel gave me a verbal cue. Most children her age will go with a nonverbal cue, like the downcast look and quiet funk. “Hey, Punkin. What’s going on in that noodle of yours?” This is a good lead-in and gives your child opportunity to make her nonverbal behavior verbal. If they don’t respond, accept that and offer to be available to talk when they are ready. If they do respond, hear them out, use active listening and be empathetic. “So, what I hear you saying is…” “Let me get this straight. You feel…?” When you see their emotional fever drop, suggest, “I have some thoughts about what’s up. Do you want to hear them?” It’s so powerful when you ask your child’s permission to counsel, regardless of their age. Children feel empowered and are more likely to act on what you have to offer. If you offer wise counsel and they don’t want it right then, it falls on deaf ears. Asking their permission opens up their ears to what you have to say. Be creative in your problem-solving and active listening. Children love to be outside the box. The core feelings for kids are mad, bad, sad, and glad. That’s all you will get and that’s not much. “You feel put upon, vulnerable, excluded.” Take the core feelings a little further. “You sound thrilled, beside yourself, joyful.” These more expressive feelings may be both on target and also will help your child be more creative in expressing what they feel. Helping your child through a problem? Pay attention and be creative. You and your kids are doing great. You're having fun time with them. They are accepting your authority. Your communication with them is awesome! Can we package this and put it in a pill, so that every family can feel this way? So, what's going right? In my book, Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, my lead-off chapter confirms that communication is relationship. What's going great? Your communication with your children. They get what you are saying and you get them. Christian parenting is not about power, who's in charge, do what I say. It's about relationship. How you talk to your children, the communication, defines the quality of relationship When things are going great, there are four types of communication happening. First, we engage in directional talk. "Be careful, Sweetheart. Don't go too close to the water. It's way over your head." We give direction and it is well received. Second is instructional talk. "Put your shoulder down and drive your defender. The lower lineman wins the battle." Children learn by helpful instruction. Third are check-ins. These by nature are brief comments meant to elicit information. "Dude, what's up?" or, "Hey, Punkin. Rough day at preschool?" With the information you get, you decide how to proceed. Finally, the Holy Grail of parental communication is teachable moments. In these moments, you impart your wisdom, perspective, and counsel for your child. "Boy, when I was your age, my dad used to tear up my butt for the least little thing. Now, I don't do that with you. Do you want to know why?" or, "You know, sharing works really good. First, when you share, you make a friend. Also, sharing helps you enjoy giving, instead of just getting all the time." These are the times when all is right with the world and being the parent is your best job ever. Of course, how your words are received determines what happens next. If you get any verbal or nonverbal red light, "Leave me alone." "Not now, Dad." or eye roll, or looking away, then switch gears to Active Listening. This is when you focus on your child's feelings and try to draw them out. A check-in comment can get things rolling. "Wow, that's not like you. Anything going on I can help with?" or, "I have some thoughts. Want to hear them?" When you feel his emotional fever going down because of your active listening, you get to go back to the fun stuff. Be vigilant, but when things are great, go for it. Verbal and nonverbal communication. They are the substance of relationship in your family. My mama cautioned me, "Mean what you say, and say what you mean." No room for misinterpretation there. Verbal communication in relationship building gets all the press. Nonverbal communication is often seen merely as the backdrop for verbal communication. However, each is vital and instrumental in creating emotionally healthy relationships. Teens in particular are a jumble of words and actions. If you zoom in on your teen's words, you will miss vital information to help decode what she is trying to say. Perceptive parents will find themselves noticing disparity between their child's words and actions. "I hear what you are saying, but your actions don't match your words. What else is going on?" For children in general, and for teens in particular, a rule of thumb is to believe everything your child does, and nothing he says. A shuffling gait can mean "I don't want to go." An eye roll or shoulder shrug can mean "Leave me alone." A vacant gaze can mean "All I hear right now is blah, blah, blah. I'm not getting it, or I don't want to." Children are good at picking up nonverbal cues also. Because kids are the emotional barometer of what's going on in the family, they know what we are feeling long before we know. If your words and actions don't match, watch out. With advanced computer technology and smart phones, we are smack in the age of Double Speak. Texting short cuts, emoticons, abbreviations all put the English language at risk. Did you know that "0bl8" means "Don't be late"? All of this make it more important for parents to keep up with gadgets, gizmos, and Double Speak. It will all help you relate to your child meaningfully, and also catch them before big trouble when they are testing the limits. To avoid the pitfalls of Double Speak, mean both what you say and what you do. Research shows that it takes adults about 3 years while living in country to learn the language of that country. Because of more neuroplasticity in younger minds, it takes children younger than 10 years old to learn that foreign language in only 3 months under the same conditions. At any rate, learning a foreign language is out of our comfort zone and tough under any circumstances.
For parents, active listening your children is like learning a foreign language. We seem to be hard wired to answer questions from our children, solve their problems, divide and direct when they are fighting with each other, kiss and make it all better when they are hurting. All of these parenting responses have value and help children make it to adulthood, but active listening, or empathy, is the go-to, primary response when we see our child's emotional fever rising. As we reflect what we think they are feeling, their emotional fever goes down. If we jump in with solutions, directions, perspective before the fever has broken, our wisdom will be lost to them. Whatever good we might say when they are hurting will be received as criticism, judgment, and put-downs by them. "I'm bad. I can't do it right." When we first empathize, actively listen, and find their feelings so that their emotional fever goes down, then we join with them in helping them solve their own problems. Want to learn a foreign language? Try active listening with your children. Consider your child to be a sponge. Sponges don't soak up some things and not other things. Sponges soak up any liquid it with which it comes into contact. Your words are the liquid to your child's sponge. When my daughter was six years old, she was showing attitude and I said, "Rachel, don't be smart!" And then I thought, do I really not want her to be smart? Thankfully, I caught the error in my words and corrected the situation.
When your child is hurting, give her words of comfort and understanding. Use active listening, or empathy, as a communication tool to zero in on what you think she is feeling. Active listening is the balm that soothes the pain of your emotionally hurting child. Don't give her solutions to her problem, as giving solutions conveys the message, you can't figure this out, so I'll do it for you. Such a hidden message conveys both emotional distance and dependency. Don't be critical of their efforts in a misguided mission to give them an educational experience. If you do this, they will be less likely to come to you in the future. Finally, don't minimize your child's efforts to fix the situation. Don't make it about you. It's about her, her feelings, and her efforts to come to terms with what's going on at that moment in her life. Active listening is the best communication tool to affirm, pace, and validate your child. What you say to your child matters. Choose your words wisely. |
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