Confronting --- The Hard Part of Parenting

It's easy to parent when everything is going well. Those times can become teachable moments. "Here, son, let me throw you a few pitches. Let's see if we can get that swing level." You want to teach. He wants to learn. Easy parenting.
But what about the hard part of parenting, when confronting your child about his behavior or attitude adjustment? That's hard, no matter how you size it up.  "I am your father! Do what I tell you." Or, the old standby, "Because I said so." You might get compliance, but at what cost? His behavior might change...for the moment. But that change will be out of fear. And when the heat if off, he goes back to old habits.
There is an art to effective confronting. Confrontation can be a very teachable moment, when it is carried out with respect and in service to the relationship. Imagine that you've asked your son to clean up his room repeatedly over several days, to no avail. You could bring the hammer down and give him consequences. I've known parents who simply picked up all items left on the floor and thrown them away, toys, clothes, papers, electronics, all of it. Pretty ineffective confrontation. The floor is cleaned off, but the soul is shattered and the relationship is filled with fear and anger. No respect, no relationship.
An effective confrontation has three parts: an observable behavior, your feelings about that behavior, and the tangible and concrete effect of that behavior on you. "Luke, when I've asked you repeatedly to clean the floor up in your room and put everything where it belongs, and you blow it off, I feel ignored and disrespected. I fear bugs and other critters could be under that mess and that would present a health hazard to all of us. Part of our being a family is everybody sharing the load. This is your load."
Once you've laid the confrontation out as clearly as you can, be prepared for blowback. No one ever likes to be confronted. There will be defensiveness. Use your active listening skills, empathy, to address your child's defensiveness. When you see his emotional fever lowering, becoming less defensive, then resume with another version of your confrontation. Confront, empathy, confront will put your child in the best position to comply with your expectations...with respect and relationship intact.

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