I’m 15 years old, having competed for and made my high school baseball team as a 9th grader. I’ve had a good year playing center field and leading off in the batting order. We’re playing our arch rival and there’s no score, 2 out, in the last inning. The outfield is playing somewhat shallow, as I’m known as a singles hitter. I then hit the pitcher’s fastball straight over the middle. It goes over the centerfielder’s head and just keeps on rolling. We have no outfield fence on our high school field. I circle the bases to a wild celebration with my teammates as I touch home base and we win the game, 1-0. This is how I define my success. What??? Maggie and I have been married now for 54 years. I retired 8 years ago from a very accomplished career treating patients as a licensed clinical psychologist. In our retirement, I’ve authored 2 books, with the hope of their being helpful to others, passing on to others what wisdom I’ve gathered in life. We are travelling and enjoying our retirement. My now adult children have carved for themselves very positive, fulfilling lives. We now have 7 grandchildren, and another on the way. So how does a single moment of high school baseball hold the top spot in my experiencing success? My “moment” in high school baseball was both very special and unique for me. My only home run in 46 years of playing baseball. I was immediately acknowledged by my teammates, as we all celebrated our win. My other accomplishments in life all happened over time, all with greater impact on me and the world than my successful high school baseball game. But, in the end, I soaked it up as “my moment.” One of my heroes in general success stories is Thomas Edison. Of course, you know that it was he who invented the electric lightbulb. What you may not know is that he failed 999 times in his experiments to find a metal that would burn strong enough to emit light for long periods of time. In his 1000th experiment, Edison succeeded with tungsten, and our electric lightbulb was invented. A wise man once said that there is no such thing as failure. When someone fails, it is because what he tried didn’t work. Rather, failure is merely the arbitrary limitations of options. That is, as long as you keep going, expanding your options, you are never failing. Success happens with commitment to the task and practice, practice, practice. Success comes from endurance, resilience, and never-ending curiosity. Success involves creatively trying things in different ways until one way works for you. Success doesn’t always generate public acclaim, celebration, or fame. That may happen, but your quiet acknowledgement of a job well done matters more. Many parents fall into the trap of believing they have all the answers for their children. You don’t. In fact, believing so may define your failures more than your successes in parenting. “I hate algebra,” Toby slammed his textbook closed and threw his pencil across the room. “Who puts letters in math problems?” Toby’s dad heard his 15-year-old son grousing in his bedroom. He made his way to Toby’s bedroom door, knocked, and asked, “Are you okay, son?” “No. I’m not okay,” Toby spit out. “And I’m never gonna be okay again, as long as I have to do this stupid algebra.” At that point, Dad had some options. He could scold Toby for his attitude. He could make a joke about not getting algebra. He could simply do the algebra homework for Toby, so he would stop being so upset. All of these options, although well-intentioned, would actually make matters worse for Toby. Instead, Dad chose a path to success. He started by comforting his son. Maybe a side hug or pat on the shoulder. Putting the algebra aside for the moment, he active listened Toby’s feelings, soothing the emotional fever Toby generated by his frustration. Once his son had settled down, maybe taking a break to get a snack and drink, he asked Toby’s permission to help by saying, “You know, son, I have some ideas on how you could get this homework behind you. Do you want to hear them? This permission question keeps his son involved in the solution process. It helps him own his problem, thereby making him more open to possibilities. If there is a formula or algebraic principle that Toby is missing, Dad could reinforce that piece and then redirect Toby’s working out the problems. Toby’s success is not just getting the homework completed. It is moreso helping him change his attitude toward the task in the first place. With Dad’s help, Toby learns he can do hard things. Positive attitude and endurance help. He is not alone on task. He’s better on task than he thought he was. These are the lessons of successful parenting. Each of our successes are personal, regardless of broader impact. Define your success by expanding your options until one works to reach your goal. Parental success always starts with being there fully for your child. Blessings, Dr. Jon
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