​Those British folks. They’re interesting, funny sometimes. They have slogans and ways of referring to things that are unique to them. The car hood is the “boot.” The subway is the “tube.” Just different, maybe quirky to me. But there’s one slogan that I’m adopting, “MIND THE GAP.”
          For the Brits, this slogan is cautionary. Every train and tube station in England has this slogan in bold colored, big font six inch letters painted on the platform next to the edge. When the train is in the station and dispersing passengers, they must “mind the gap” as they get on or off the train. You see, there’s a space between the train doors and the station platforms. When you mind the gap, you are less likely to misstep and injure yourself. So, Brits, mind the gap.
          I’m adopting this slogan, however, as a cautionary tale in the healing process on your journey in mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT). Part of your journey is embracing mindfulness as a context for healing. In my book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life, I introduce mindfulness to the reader.
          Many patients, especially newbies, at first see mindfulness as either Duh! Or gimmicky. They tend to dismiss it until they see the benefit as a gateway to emerging from a difficult past.
          “Okay, Sandra. Let me try another way to explain mindfulness, “I took a different tack.
          “I know, Doc,” Sandra started being dismissive. “It’s just being here. You, you know, present.”
          “Well, it’s more than that,” I added. “So, let me show you.”
          “Okay.”
          So, outstretch your arms, shoulder height, to each side.”
          “Like this?” Sandra followed my directions.
          “Yep. Now, from midpoint to your left hand represents your past. From midpoint to your right hand represents your future. So, bring both of your hands to meet in the middle, in front of you.” I paused as she did so. “If the movement of your healing journey is represented by your hands, where are you?”
          “Right now, with my hands together in front of me?” Sandra clarified, “I guess I’m right here, the present.”
          “You are more than just present. Your arms have erased your past and not anticipated your future. You are now free to focus your mind on your present. Not just here in body, but also in mind and spirit.”
          I then encourage my patients to use “mind the gap” as a cautionary catch phrase. Depression comes from allowing your past to consume you. Anxiety is generated by anticipating the future. Staying in your present allows you embrace your moment.
          Philosopher Eckhart Tolle puts it succinctly:
If your mind carries a heavy burden of the past, you will experience more of the same. The past perpetuates itself
through lack of presence. The quality of your consciousness at this moment is what shapes your future.
          I picked up a book of mindful sayings called Pausitivity: Take A Moment to Nurture Yourself (Compendium, 2011).
Tension is who you think you should be.
Relaxation is who you are.
          Being mindful releases tension and encourages relaxation. With this context, you healing journey begins.
Blessings, Dr. Jon

How many times have you changed your mind today? This past hour? The last minute? We are constantly changing our minds.
          I just woke up. Do I want to get up now or try to get back to sleep for a while?
          I’m in my closet. I think I’ll wear the red shirt. No, wait. Maybe the green one. I’m going to work in my car. Do I want to listen to music or a news station?
          Constantly changing our minds. For daily decisions, not a big deal. For life-changing decisions, very much a big deal. Beginning and continuing therapy until your goals are met is a very big deal, and your change involves creating new neuropathways and developing a new normal.
          In The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life, I introduce you to a new path of healing, mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT). This is the practice behind Dr. Kristen Lee’s new psychology of thinking, Mentalligence™. I liken mentalligence to a computer system, where the hardware are the physical attributes of your brain, that is, what you’ve got. The software is the accumulation of all your life experiences, that is, how you use what you’ve got.
          Back in the day, developmental neurobiologists concluded that our brains stop growing after about 25 years. After that, you have all the neurons and connections that you are going to have for the rest of your life. However, in the last 20 years of research, we’ve identified the brain’s neuroplasticity, that is, our ability to change our brains and grow for our lifetime. Our brains are neuroplastic in that regard.
          While we are now more inclined to seek psychotherapy for various reasons than ever before, people tend to do so because they want to change themselves in some way. They’ve tried various avenues for change but to no avail. Your therapist is your guide on your healing journey. MPT is a healing strategy that utilizes mindfulness, positive psychology, and cognitive behavioral treatments intertwined to effect lasting change in your brain’s neurochemistry. By staying in the present, finding the positive outcome in your stressors, and maintaining rationality, MPT offers upward spiraling in your life’s healing journey. As you move from conscious awareness to unconscious awareness in your stages of therapy, your brain lets go of unhealthy neural pathways and creates new, healthy neuropathways (neuroplasticity) to sustain the Good Life over time. With mentalligent psychotherapy you will change your mind day by day with a positive outcome.
 
Blessings,
Dr. Jon

​Deciding to begin therapy is a big deal. Typically, it means that there’s a lot of stress in your life. Stress is taking its toll on you, physically and mentally. You might feel like you are going to burst.
          Oftentimes your loved one asks if you are all right, and you blow her off. You might give her a few tidbits around the edges, but not the main thing that’s bothering you. You feel antsy and can’t get comfortable. Joy and good feelings are fleeting. There’s a part of you that wonders if things will ever feel better, maybe that you are defective.
          Most people, guys in particular, have a hard time allowing others in and being vulnerable. It’s fine for people to have secret parts that nobody knows about, but not if the secret disrupts your life. Beginning therapy can be a process whereby you start letting people in and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. That’s why beginning therapy is such a big deal.
             Typically, there are bothersome things on your mind which won’t go away. You try reaching out to friends and family to help sort out your feelings. Sometimes that’s all you need, and you feel better getting that load off your chest. You’re getting back to your old self. You have a few good night’s sleep. You feel hungry again, for the first time in a while. You’re hanging out with friends and family and enjoying having fun again.
            However, if your moods come and go, you seem to have lost your rhythm, and the funk returns, then you might consider what I call The 6-Week Rule. That is, try shaking things up, sharing with friends and family, getting a check-up with your family physician, and see how your days go. If your funk continues for more than 6 weeks, then think about beginning therapy.
         Because this is (you are) a big deal, do your research to find your therapist. Research indicates that 75% of effective healing therapy comes from the doctor-patient relationship, while only 25% comes from your therapist’s bag of tricks. Get recommendations from your physician, and from friends and coworkers. Even go to the length of interviewing prospective therapists for one session each before committing to the process.
          If you are in an emergency situation or feel suicidal, call the suicide hotline at #811, tell loved ones, and find a therapist quickly. Sudden, unexpected events like an unexpected loss or a traumatic attack or incident require mental health triage. Under these circumstances, the 6-week rule does not apply
          I had a patient back in the day who had been in therapy back in Florida before his company moved him to Virginia. His appointment with me was on a Thursday and he told me I was his fourth therapist appointment that week. He had been in therapy for a year back in Florida and he wanted things “to click” again, since he had moved. After his appointment with me I didn’t see him for two months. He then came back in and started the session with, “Oops, I chose the wrong one.” I saw him weekly for 6 months with symptom relief and a smooth transition to his changing circumstances.
          In my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life, I make use of extensive counselor-client dialogue to give readers a sneak peek into just how effective therapy is done. I offer the four stages of therapy and share a new treatment strategy, Mentalligent Psychotherapy. Check out my new book on my website, www.authorjonrobinson.com, and buy your copy on www.amazonbooks.com.
Blessings,
Dr. Jon

In the realm of counseling and psychotherapy, clinicians have an extensive alphabet to work with. The latest forms of therapy are often known by their acronyms. These include Rational Emotive Therapy (RET), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Evidence-Based Therapy (EBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), among others.          Well, now there’s a new kid on the block. Meet MPT, a.k.a., Mentalligent Psychotherapy. MPT takes the essence of mindfulness, positive psychology, and cognitive behavioral interventions and weaves them into an elegant healing journey for your patient. While each strategy has been around for a while, together and collectively they form the art and science of MPT.
          My colleague, Dr. Kristin Lee, at Northeastern University, published her “new psychology of thinking,” which she coined Mentalligence ™. Combining the words “mental” and “intelligence,” Dr. Lee captured the whole brain in the process of behavior change. Our brain’s software, the mental part, identifies our responses to life experiences, while its hardware, the intelligence part, is core functioning abilities.
          Put another way, the intelligence identifies what you’ve got, while the mental identifies what you do with what you’ve got, that is your interpretation of your aggregate life experiences. Together, mentalligence™ “is a new psychology of thinking model that teaches ways to launch upward spirals through a process of unlearning and pivoting away from social conditioning and indoctrination that damage human progress” (Lee, 2017).
          In my book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life, I use the metaphor of soaring in a glider to introduce the journey of MPT. People come to see us when they are stuck. Their stuckness generates negative affect, principally a sense of hopelessness. It comes in various forms, but it doesn’t go away without concerted effort.
          When soaring in a glider, the goal is to find spiraling thermal air currents. When you do, you can ride that current, spiraling upward, for a long time, a wonderful, five-sensory experience living in the moment.
          Stuckness is like spiraling downward uncontrollably, desperately trying to not crash. With MPT, we are not doctors, trying to diagnose our patients and fix them from their illness. Rather, we are their guide, helping them to find those upward spiraling thermal air currents where they can revel and flourish. The stress of life and adversities we experience don’t magically go away. Rather, with MPT we help our clients use their stuckness as a launching point on their healing journey, focusing not so much on why they are stuck, but rather more on what they can do to get unstuck and continue their upward spiraling.
          Mentalligent Psychotherapy expands the theory of mentalligence into the clinical practice and treatment strategies of MPT. Interested? The general public will want to buy The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life to get a sneak peek into effective therapy, while graduate students in the behavioral health sciences and practicing clinicians will want to add MPT to their toolbox of practical interventions. Available at amazonbooks.com. Search by my name or the book title.
 
Blessings,
Dr. Jon

​      Wait. I’m sorry. What? Yeah, soaring isn’t usually what first comes to mind when thinking about psychotherapy. More like less soaring, more grind. Well, not so when you practice mentalligent psychotherapy.
          Back in my college days, when I had more money and fewer fears, I learned how to fly a glider. As you may know, a glider is a plane without an engine. A glider is also known as a sailplane and gliding is a fun process of soaring with the wind.
          When you are soaring, a tow plane pulls you up to 3000 feet. At that height, you loose the tow cord and bank right, while your tow plane banks left. At that point, it is you and your sailplane, looking for thermal air updrafts. When you find one, your sailplane spirals upward on the draft, increasing your altitude. Find several updrafts sequentially and you can soar upward on a sunlit, blue-sky day for hours. No engine sound. No distractions. Only the wind, the thermals, and you. What a great time. The rules are that, when you run out of thermals and your altitude dips below 1000 feet, you have to begin your landing pattern. While soaring, you never lose visual sight of your designated landing strip. Soaring is as calm and peaceful as life can get.
          With my new therapy paradigm, mentalligent psychotherapy, my goal is to guide patients on their healing journey of upward-spiraling through their lives, finding their thermal updrafts to keep soaring. Any kind of stress or adversity can generate an historic, familiar downward spiral that can lead to patients becoming stuck in their “stuff.” While I help patients look at their stuff and the attending feelings briefly, my time there is only to help them understand a context for their healing. To get unstuck, I help them identify upward spirals in their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and learn to soar.
          Within this new paradigm, the traditional medical model of illness and diagnosis is set aside. I’m not their doctor who will make them well by fixing their problems. I’m their guide on their healing journey to help them process their stuck spots and make positive use of their defined adversity, thereby promoting continual soaring. We have no control over our stuff in life. We have every control over what we do with our stuff and how we can grow from it.
          Traditional psychotherapists are “why” doctors. Answering multiple why questions form the foundation of the medical model. When practicing mentalligent psychotherapy, therapists are “what” doctors. What’s going on right now? Over what do you have control? What outcomes do you want to pursue? These and other what questions come up and shape the path to the good life on our patient’s healing journey.
          Traditional psychotherapists bounce around their patient’s past, looking for their answers to the why questions. With mentalligent psychotherapy, we focus on our patient’s present, that part of their personal timeline over which they have full control.
          As I acquaint my patient with their present, I often ask them to stretch out their arms from their side. Modelling what I want them to do, I sweep my left arm down to its resting point on the arc at my waist.
“The movement of my left arm represents all of your past. Depression frequently grows from our past.” I then ask my patient to make the same sweeping motion with their left arm.
          I then sweep my right arm from horizontal to its resting point on the arc at my waist.
“The movement of my right arm represents all of your future. Anxiety frequently awaits you in your future.” I then ask my patient to make the same sweeping motion with their right arm.
          With the demonstration concluded, I then ask my patient, “Where, on your life timeline does your two hands together at your waist represent?” Your present. “What happens to your depression and anxiety?” It’s at least minimized and perhaps goes away.
          Helping patients embrace their present, using mindfulness to explore their 5-sensory experience in the now, gives them opportunity to find their thermal updrafts and learn to soar.
          As patients bring up or recall their stuff and issues, we guide them on their healing journey to convert stress and adversity into resilience. This is where mentalligent psychotherapists make use of Daniel Seligman’s Positive Psychology. We help patients find their eudaimonia, a Greek word translated “human flourishing.” To the extent that patients can stay in their present and develop eudaimonia, their downward spiraling with stress and adversity corrects and their upward spiraling leads to greater resilience.
          In all of our lives, bad stuff happens, often through no fault of our own. Rather than moan and groan and wallow in it in an Eeyore moment, patients of mentalligent psychotherapists find the blessing in their personal hell of the moment. Meichenbaum’s Cognitive Behavioral Therapy help patients trade in their negative extreme thoughts and feelings. Such extreme words as never, ever, only, should, would, could, and must are challenged as downward spiraling triggers. Learning and growing from the stress and adversity creates upward spiraling moments.
          Mentalligent psychotherapy helps our patients identify and find upward spiraling opportunities. The language of mentalligent psychotherapy eschews the medical model and embraces the healing journey our patients have chosen to take, with us as their guide. The intricate weave of mindfulness, positive psychology, and cognitive behavioral interventions promotes patient responsibility for their own health and well-being. They learn to soar through stuck spots, finding resilience on their path to the good life. Blessings, Jon

  ​Have you ever offered up an idea in a committee? “Hey. You know what? What if…? “
 Your new idea might generate some mild discussion, some grunts and dismissals, with a concluding “…not gonna happen. We’ve never done it that way before.”
     If your new idea generates an entirely way of thinking about the topic, then we call it a paradigm shift. In my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life (Amazon, 2024), I offer a paradigm shift in our thinking both about getting well and about the nature of diagnosis and treatment of mental health issues.
     Historically, probably since Aristotle’s times, we talk about people being sick, needing to get well. Our job, as their doctor, has been to help people get better and make them well. This is the medical model. While our reference book, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, 5th Edition, has made progress in expanding the emotional, cognitive, and behavioral descriptions to account for diagnoses, the overall attention is on people being sick and needing to get well.
      In her book, Mentalligence: A New Psychology of Thinking (HCI, 2017), Dr. Kristen Lee attaches brain functioning to the outcomes of downward spiraling or upward spiraling, using the brain’s neuroplastic capacity to create new neural pathways toward upward spiraling. I have taken these concepts and applied them to our work in counseling and psychotherapy, introducing a new treatment strategy, mentalligent psychotherapy. (MPT)
     In this paradigm shift of perspective and treatment, our patients are not sick, not mentally ill. Rather, they are stuck, emotionally, cognitively, and behaviorally stuck. In their treatment, our goal is to help them identify their stuckness and guide them toward getting unstuck. Stuckness leads toward downward spiraling in thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Helping them get unstuck frees our patients to chart their life’s path toward freedom to upwardly spiral and be the best they can be.
     In the medical model, doctors are healers. They have a plethora of gadgets and gizmos to help them find the broken part and either fix it or remove it. Their goal is symptom relief, mostly through medication management. This model has worked well for millennia when we treat physical ailments. Not so much in treating mental health issues.
     With this model, therapists are also healers. They can use psychological evaluation to pinpoint problem thoughts, feelings, or behaviors and then talk therapy to help their patients feel better. We focus on answering their “why” questions. We generate pearls of wisdom and aha moments where our patients feel better and get it.
In mentalligent psychotherapy, we dabble in “why” questions, just to gain perspective on our patient’s thought processes. However, we focus on looking at “what” questions. What’s going on now? What are your thoughts and feelings about this? What’s within your control to change?
     With MPT, the focus is not on being your patient’s doctor, from whom you will be given answers for symptom relief. Rather, we are patient guides for a moment on their life journey. MPT is less outcome-oriented and more process-oriented. The great Greek philosopher, Socrates, was a teacher famous for never answering a question from his students. His response to their questions was to ask questions of his own, leading them to come up with their own perspectives on the issue at hand. Thus, MPT is less about the outcome of psychotherapy and more about the process. A bit of old Chinese wisdom captures the process. “Feed a man a fish and feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and feed him for a lifetime.”
     Stressed out and overwhelmed? Get an idea about effective therapy with your purchase of The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life. Graduate students learning different intervention strategies of psychotherapy? Pick up my book as adjunctive reading for your coursework. Practicing clinicians? Add to your toolbox of intervention strategies by purchasing this cutting-edge paradigm shift describing mentalligent psychotherapy for effective treatment. Purchase your copy from amazonbooks.com today.
Blessings,
Dr. Jon

      I know. Getting started is the hardest part of therapy. You’ve been struggling, it seems like, forever. You keep bumping into the same obstacles day in and day out. Each day feels like a struggle just to finish, and even then, you toss and turn trying to get to sleep. Will this downward cycle ever end?
          Yes. With your dedication, hard work, and the right fit for a therapist, you can turn your downward cycle into an upward one.
          Also, while it feels like you are nuts, you are not. You are not even alone. In the United States, 20% of the adult population is walking around with diagnosable behavioral health issues. With the advent of the pandemic several years ago, that number went to 30%. For children and teens, that total exceeds 40%. What to do? What to do?
            Not surprisingly, the internet is a great place to start. You have options. A blessing from the pandemic has been health professionals opening up to work with patient by telephone, on-line, and by zoom, in addition to coming to their office.
     And yet, research shows that 75% of the healing process comes from the doctor/patient relationship. Only 25% comes from any particular treatment strategies or interventions your therapist might bring to the table.
          Of course you can google behavioral health practitioners located in your area. Size up their pitch and pick one. However, that does sound a bit radical. More folks open up, begrudgingly, to a friend, family, or confidante. Some don’t open up at all, but rather, are gently (or not so gently) confronted by a loved one to “get help or else!”
        When starting therapy, remember. You’ve hired a health professional to care for you. If you are feeling unhelped, not getting what you want, you can fire your therapist. Goodness of fit, a sense of feeling heard, working with someone the “gets me,” are essential for healing.
           In my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life, my goals are to help you get a good start, understand the context of effective therapy, and embrace the healing process. Toward those goals, I identify a new treatment strategy, mentalligent psychotherapy.
           My colleague, Dr. Kristen Lee, LICSW, coined the term, mentelligence™, to identify the mental and intelligence functions of the brain in creating lasting change and healing. Where intelligence is the hardware of the brain, mental is the software. Both interact consistently to generate neuroplasticity, which creates new neural pathways that secure behavioral change.
          I share with my readers the four stages of healing in therapy. First, all patients begin therapy with Unconscious Ignorance. That is, you don’t know that there is a problem, and you don’t know that you don’t know. In this case, ignorance is not bliss. It’s just how you are used to being.
             In the second stage of healing, you become aware of issues, either by epiphany or by someone busting your chops. With this awareness, you enter the stage of Conscious Ignorance. Here, you are informed, you want to change your thinking, feeling, and circumstances, but you don’t know how to do it. It is your therapist’s job in this stage to give you options, help you understand the impact of your words and actions on yourself and others, and equip you to make wanted changes and to heal.
        The bulk of your therapy involves a dance between the stage of conscious ignorance and the next stage, that of Conscious Awareness. Your therapist gives you tools for healing and you practice using them. Your appointments become your safe place to try out new words and actions, appreciating their positive impact on your mood and circumstances. You also risk sharing your new self with your significant others and friend group to experience benefits in your real world. It may feel awkward and foreign at first, but you begin to get the hang of it.
         Toward the end of your therapy, you will notice a significant uptick in your use of healing tools in your day-to-day lifestyle. This marks your transition from the stage of conscious awareness to the last stage of the healing process, that of Unconscious Awareness. Here, you appreciate that your hard work in therapy has transformed your life and your relationships. You embrace the new you. Your new neural pathways are secured and your old, unhelpful neural pathways have withered. As adversity happens, in any kind, you overcome it, find the blessing in it, and continue on your path to the good life, with good stress management and strong resilience.
        If I’ve piqued your interest and you want to find out more about mentalligent psychotherapy and the four stages of healing, go to amazonbooks.com. Put my name, Jonathan C. Robinson, Ph.D., or my book title, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life, in the search box, and order your copy today.
Blessings,
Dr. Jon

​I’m 15 years old, having competed for and made my high school baseball team as a 9th grader. I’ve had a good year playing center field and leading off in the batting order. We’re playing our arch rival and there’s no score, 2 out, in the last inning. The outfield is playing somewhat shallow, as I’m known as a singles hitter. I then hit the pitcher’s fastball straight over the middle. It goes over the centerfielder’s head and just keeps on rolling. We have no outfield fence on our high school field. I circle the bases to a wild celebration with my teammates as I touch home base and we win the game, 1-0.
          This is how I define my success. What??? Maggie and I have been married now for 54 years. I retired 8 years ago from a very accomplished career treating patients as a licensed clinical psychologist. In our retirement, I’ve authored 2 books, with the hope of their being helpful to others, passing on to others what wisdom I’ve gathered in life. We are travelling and enjoying our retirement. My now adult children have carved for themselves very positive, fulfilling lives. We now have 7 grandchildren, and another on the way. So how does a single moment of high school baseball hold the top spot in my experiencing success?
          My “moment” in high school baseball was both very special and unique for me. My only home run in 46 years of playing baseball. I was immediately acknowledged by my teammates, as we all celebrated our win. My other accomplishments in life all happened over time, all with greater impact on me and the world than my successful high school baseball game. But, in the end, I soaked it up as “my moment.”
          One of my heroes in general success stories is Thomas Edison. Of course, you know that it was he who invented the electric lightbulb. What you may not know is that he failed 999 times in his experiments to find a metal that would burn strong enough to emit light for long periods of time. In his 1000th experiment, Edison succeeded with tungsten, and our electric lightbulb was invented.
          A wise man once said that there is no such thing as failure. When someone fails, it is because what he tried didn’t work. Rather, failure is merely the arbitrary limitations of options. That is, as long as you keep going, expanding your options, you are never failing.
          Success happens with commitment to the task and practice, practice, practice. Success comes from endurance, resilience, and never-ending curiosity. Success involves creatively trying things in different ways until one way works for you.
          Success doesn’t always generate public acclaim, celebration, or fame. That may happen, but your quiet acknowledgement of a job well done matters more.
          Many parents fall into the trap of believing they have all the answers for their children. You don’t. In fact, believing so may define your failures more than your successes in parenting.
          “I hate algebra,” Toby slammed his textbook closed and threw his pencil across the room. “Who puts letters in math problems?”
          Toby’s dad heard his 15-year-old son grousing in his bedroom. He made his way to Toby’s bedroom door, knocked, and asked, “Are you okay, son?”
          “No. I’m not okay,” Toby spit out. “And I’m never gonna be okay again, as long as I have to do this stupid algebra.”
          At that point, Dad had some options. He could scold Toby for his attitude. He could make a joke about not getting algebra. He could simply do the algebra homework for Toby, so he would stop being so upset. All of these options, although well-intentioned, would actually make matters worse for Toby.
          Instead, Dad chose a path to success. He started by comforting his son. Maybe a side hug or pat on the shoulder. Putting the algebra aside for the moment, he active listened Toby’s feelings, soothing the emotional fever Toby generated by his frustration. Once his son had settled down, maybe taking a break to get a snack and drink, he asked Toby’s permission to help by saying, “You know, son, I have some ideas on how you could get this homework behind you. Do you want to hear them?
          This permission question keeps his son involved in the solution process. It helps him own his problem, thereby making him more open to possibilities. If there is a formula or algebraic principle that Toby is missing, Dad could reinforce that piece and then redirect Toby’s working out the problems. Toby’s success is not just getting the homework completed. It is moreso helping him change his attitude toward the task in the first place. With Dad’s help, Toby learns he can do hard things. Positive attitude and endurance help. He is not alone on task. He’s better on task than he thought he was. These are the lessons of successful parenting.
          Each of our successes are personal, regardless of broader impact. Define your success by expanding your options until one works to reach your goal. Parental success always starts with being there fully for your child.
Blessings,
Dr. Jon

     What happens in our families when trouble comes our way? How are we there for our kids? What role do rewards and consequences play in righting the ship? Your answers to these questions indicate whether you are succeeding or failing as a parent.
          Little 8-year-old Abby comes home from school, puts her backpack down on the floor inside the kitchen door, and then turns to go back outside to play with her awaiting friends.
          “Hi, Sweetheart. How was your d…wait, what?” puzzles her mom. She follows her daughter with her gaze, as Abby meets up with her friends. She goes to the door and calls after her.
          “Abby. Stop. What’s your hurry? Come here.”
          Abby sighs and frowns. “Moooom,” she draws out with frustration, “Can’t I just go and play?”
          “After we talk,” mom decides as she holds the door open for her daughter to come back inside. Abby then plops down on a chair at the kitchen table. “Jeeez!” She huffs, as she sees her mom reaching for her backpack.
          “So,” as she rummages through her daughter’s backpack, “anything in here that I need to know about?”
          Abby huffs loudly, “Okay, I failed a spelling test and my teacher wants you to sign that you saw it.”
          “Failed spelling? Well, that’s a big deal.”
          At this juncture, Abby’s mom steers a parenting path toward success or failure by her reaction. Parenting success comes if she starts with, “Gosh, honey. This isn’t like you. What else was going on here?” This is a subliminal compliment. Mom’s really saying that she knows her daughter usually gives her best effort and does well on tests at school.
          However, if mom chose to belittle, diminish, chastise, or go straight to punishment, she could be adding to Abby’s pain and embarrassment, blocking any future trust or emotional intimacy.
          Dad receives a phone call from the police department in their hometown. He accepts the collect call from the jail.
          “Hey, Dad. I’m in trouble.”
          This is every parent’s worst nightmare. What to do? Your choices impact your success or failure as a parent.
          You could moan and groan about where you and his mom went wrong, that your son turned out this way, and how could he do this to you?
          You could blame the group of kids he hangs with.
          You could blame each other, as to who coddled him and who was too strict on him.
        You could refuse to bail him out and just let him sit with the consequences of his actions.
          All of these options add to the emotional distance between you and your son, shut down communication, and set up a power differential, where winning the moment is more important than loving your child.
          Parents who succeed at parenting have a mindset of loving their children through any adversity that comes their way and never giving up on them. When trouble knocks at your family door, invite it in to talk about what happened, and in a nonjudgmental way. Get all the details. Use your active listening skills to hear how the trouble affects your child. Only when he’s talked out and all of his feelings are heard can you ask permission to share your thoughts and ideas.
          Parents who succeed at parenting embrace their child’s trouble as a “we problem.” Your child needs to know he is not alone, that you’ve got his back, that we’ll get through this together. With all of these things, transparency, accountability, boundaries, and consequences all apply. Being there for your child doesn’t mean he gets off scott-free.
          Ultimately, as a parent, you are successful when your child makes positive changes that keeps the trouble from happening again. This happens when you help him turn the trouble into a blessing in disguise.
          How we all handle trouble defines our character. Trouble will happen, coming both in small and big ways. It’s not what happens, but how we handle what happens that promotes healthy stress management and resilience. Here’s to your being a success in your parenting.
Blessings,
Dr. Jon

​If you’ve ever been in your car with your children, ages less than ten, then you’ve been asked this question, maybe multiple times. Sometimes it’s repeated multiple times, just to annoy you. Other times it’s recurring occasionally, as you make your way to your destination. While your child wants a reasonable time estimate, there’s always an underlying situation.
          If your destination is a fun place or activity, “are we there yet?” is code for feeling eager, anxious, or frustrated with anticipation. Going on a fun vacation, to a recreation theme park, to the zoo or aquarium would be spots where getting there would be a chore that they would want to get over quickly.
          If your destination is more for you than for your kids, perhaps a trip to visit distant relatives, “are we there yet?” is code for being bored, feeling antsy, wanting any kind of interaction to make the time go more quickly.
          In either case, the question suggests that your child may have an emotional fever. That is, physically all is well, but emotionally they are out of sorts. When my kids were young and these circumstances came up, I would ask, tongue-in-cheek, if they needed me to go to the “sorts store” to get them back in sorts. LOL.
          With that ice breaker, take some time to help your kids figure out what they are feeling. This is the heart of active listening.
          Mindy was being fidgety in the back seat. Restless, changing position, sighing loudly. I picked up on these cues of her emotional fever.
“Hey, Baby. What’s going on?” I caught her eye in the rear-view mirror.
“I’m bored. Are we there yet?”
“Getting there can feel like forever, huh?”
“Why do we have to go? Can’t we go somewhere closer to home?”
“Ah, but when we get there, think of all the fun we will have.”
“That’s stupid. It’s no fun getting there.”
“You’re really stuck, huh?” His daughter got quiet. “I have some thoughts about how we can pass the time. Wanna hear them?”
          After your child gets her feelings out and pauses is the time to ask permission to offer solutions. If you offer them to soon, she might not feel heard. She may take your solutions as dismissing her feelings. So, as you move forward, get her permission.
          Nowadays, with the ever-present IPad and personal phone, kids frequently find ways to occupy themselves on long car trips. However, if these electronics lead to commotion, or if you have a family rule of electronic-free time together, then car trip games can fill the bill. Even young children can follow and participate in the “I spy something” game. Each person in the car takes a turn identifying something in or outside the car by a feature, like color or shape or position. The others, then also in turn, make guesses as to what/where the object is. Time passes quickly and everyone is involved having fun.
          For older, school-aged kids, “Ghost” passes the time quickly and also helps kids with their spelling. One family member starts with a letter and others add a letter in turn until one person completes spelling a word. If I spell the first word on my turn, then I get a “G.” Whoever spells out “GHOST” loses the game. More of a thinking game that’s also fun on car rides.
Finally, sequential story-telling can be fun, with unexpected twists and turns in the plot development. Here, one of you starts a story with, “Once upon a time…” Each of you takes the storyline as it unfolds and adds only one sentence at a time. The story can be as long as your trip and keeps all involved, since no one knows just how it turns out and how it gets there.
Long ago, when my oldest grandchild was only age 7, she and her dad and I undertook a 6-mile hike up Mount LaConte in Gatlinburg, TN. It was a rigorous, 4-hour journey, where each of us had a backpack. We started a sequential story at the outset and little Katie was so involved in the plot development that she kept pace and didn’t ask once to be picked up and carried.
“Are we there yet?” can be the bane of every family’s car trips. Use a variety of road games to help your child pass the time around naps and other trip activities. They will help you connect with your children and add to the fun of getting there.
Blessings,
Dr. Jon