Okay. Is failure defined by when you mess up? Nope. How about when you’ve tried but what you do doesn’t work? Nope. I know. It’s when you want to make a new friend, but your efforts are rebuffed. None of these moments define failure.
          One of the best known not failures was the inventor Thomas Edison, the light bulb guy. He created the light bulb when nighttime was only lit by torches or gas lanterns. His invention was life changing for all of us. All he had to do to make it work was find the right metal that would sustain illumination. But he failed. He failed for 998 times, trying every metal known to man. None worked until his 999th trial. That’s when titanium worked. If he had stopped trying after 998 trials, we wouldn’t have electricity today.
          So, what is failure? The only viable definition of failure is the arbitrary limitation of options. Your failure only happens when you give up the task. Edison didn’t give up and neither should you.
          Another famous idiom is this: “Fall down seven times. Get up eight.” It doesn’t matter how many times you fall down, as long as you always get back up.
          “That’s it! I’m done.” Avery started her therapy session with me even as we walked toward my office. “Sign me up for the nunnery. All men are scum.”
          “Okay then,” I demurred. “Having a bad day are you?” Avery continued her rant as she settled in my office. A sophomore at our local college, she had started her healing journey with me, and I was helping her find her way. Small in stature, Avery frequently felt invisible in friendship groups. She and Alan had only become a thing the past few weeks.
          “We were walking on the quad, hand in hand, having a fun time. Some of his fraternity brothers made fun of me, right there in front of God and everybody.”
          “How so?” I puzzled.
          “Well, you know, Alan and Avery? The double A’s is kind of our tag.” She lowered her head and wrung her hands in her lap. “But these jerks gave our tag a new home. They referred our tag to my bra size” She sniffed. “Now all of them are picking up on it. Laughing at me. And, ya know? I’m actually bigger than that.”
          “Avery,” I leaned forward in my chair. “I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
          “What’s worse is that Alan laughed at me also. I just want to end it with him and become a nun.”
          “Well, that’s one option. Got any other ones?”
          We spent the rest of the session exploring options. She laughed at some of my off-the-wall suggestions. I praised her for getting it all out. I suggested that the experience was only a failure if she gave up on herself. Alan “got weird” shortly thereafter and she broke off the relationship, a self-confident first for her. On to a better one. No failure here.
          Find out how Avery completed her healing journey. Buy your copy of my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life, at amazonbooks.com. Follow this link: https://a.co/d/0dxH5xOL
Blessings,
Dr. Jon

​Are you in a rut? Does your being stuck feel like the same ol’ same ol’?  Maybe it’s time to do something about it. Are you ready for a change?
          “I dunno, Doc,” Branden started even before getting settled in my office. “Just one bad day after another. I just can’t seem to do anything right. My boss is yelling at me. My wife has me sleeping on the couch. Even our dog walks away when I call him to me.”
          “Wow!” I took a deep breath and then blew it out. “I’m exhausted just earing you. I’m so sorry it’s been rough. Ya know? Maybe you’re just going insane.”
                   Branden’s jaw dropped. He then sighed, smirked at my subtle joke, and then added, “I’ve been thinking the same thing, Doc. That’s where you come in.”
          “Okay, then,” I offered, “Let’s go to work.” Branden settled into the couch.
          “So, as your therapist, I’ve got two examples of insanity. Wanna hear them?”
          “Go for it, but I don’t know how this is going to help me feel better.”
          “Don’t worry. What you are telling me only fits one of the examples.” I leaned forward capturing his attention.
          “The first example of insanity is neurochemical. Your brain chemistry is out of whack. You are hearing things and seeing things that others don’t hear and see. You take everything personally and expect that people are out to get you.” Does any of that apply to you now?”
          “Well, my boss told me that if I don’t get my act together he’s gonna fire me.”
          I shifted in my seat. “Well, Branden, that sounds like his way of encouraging you to do better at work. That’s not delusional. So, no. the neurochemical example of insanity does not apply to you.”
          “Okay,” I took another breath. Branden mirrored my behavior. “The second example of insanity is functional and behavioral.”
          “What does that mean?”
          “In this case, insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That’s your rut. That’s your stuck-ness. If you tackle the same problem the same way every time, you are gonna get the same…..?”
          “…results,” Branden sighed deeply before finishing my sentence.
          Using the therapy tools of mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT), I helped Branden find his center and stay present in the moment. Having cleared his mind of his same ol’ same ol’, I helped him focus on what’s right in his life that he can build on. I then gave him a cognitive behavioral prescription, starting slowly and finding things overwhich he has control to establish a to-do list of five tasks for each tomorrow until I saw him at his next therapy appointment. I asked him to take routine tasks but do them differently, do them better. In this way, he was able to challenge his version of insanity.      
          Follow more of Branden’s healing journey in my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life. Buy your copy at amazonbooks.com. Follow this link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CY9PQXMZ
Blessings, Dr. Jon

​Look up in the sky on a clear day. If there is an eagle, falcon, or other large bird, you might just see them soaring. Wings out wide, catching warm air updrafts, called thermals. Aren’t they majestic?
          Ya know, you can soar like that also. Well, not just like these majestic birds, but in your own way. When people consider coming into therapy, they are stuck in some way. What they are doing isn’t working well, or even at all. In my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life, your therapist becomes your guide on your healing journey. They teach you just how to soar.
          “Jamey,” I greeted my next patient in the waiting room. “How are you doin’ today?” She preceded me down the hall to my office.
          “Hey, Doc. Today’s been a really good day.”
          Her appointment with me was just after her workday. I lit up with her good day observation.
          “That’s terrific!” I gushed. “You’ve been seeing me for a couple of months now. Look at you, using what you’ve learned. I’m proud of you.”
          “Ya know, I’ve figured out that focusing on what’s wrong is just going to prolong the stuckness. My good days are filled with what’s right.”
          “Wait a minute,” I puzzled. “Are you telling me that you are,” I paused for effect. “…soaring?”
          “Yep. That’s me. Not letting stuff get me down. Leaving the bad stuff behind. It feels,” Jamey corrected herself. “I mean, I feel fantastic.”
          “Okay, Jamey,” I collected my thoughts. “Tell me your words, behaviors, and actions that help you soar. Let’s pull it all together.”
          “Well, let’s see.” Jamey paused. I could see her wheels turning. “I think staying in the present is the foundation for soaring. You know, that mindfulness you go on about.” She giggled at my expense.
          “Point taken. What else?” In encouraged her to go on.
          “Well, being mindful on a daily basis helps my not sweat the small stuff, particularly realizing that, in the mindful moment, everything is small stuff.” I nodded agreement. “Oh, and that positive psychology stuff. When I was stuck, I was holding on to things I had no control over. Low self-esteem, low self-confidence, letting people take advantage of me, putting myself last. You know being stuck in all that goo really sucked.”
          “And now you are soaring?” I prompted.
          “Yep,” she bubbled, “and those little tricks you gave me are keeping me soaring” You know, what you call behavioral prescriptions.” She air-quoted me.
          “Oh. I have so many in my toolbox. Which one’s helped you the most?”
          “Let’s see,” she paused to gather her thoughts. “Well, the listing self-affirmations keeps me on track. Of course, the nightly journalling helps me wash away the debris of the day. Oh, and checking my posted gratitude list gives me a good perspective on each day.”
          Follow Jamey’s healing journey in my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life. Buy your copy on amazonbooks.com. Follow this link: https://a.co/d/0dxH5xOL.
Blessings, Dr. Jon

​       I’ve got my stuff. What about your stuff? We all have stuff. You  know, things, words, actions in our past that somehow define us, and not in a good way. The question is not what your stuff is. Rather, the question is what do you do with your stuff? Is it a burden you have carried your entire life? Or have you developed a bridge, where your stuff has become a blessing in disguise and led to a new and improved you?
          Twenty-five-year-old April came into my office for her 4th therapy appointment. I had spent time getting to know her and her circumstances for three sessions. I had used active listening through her pain, clarifying her trauma, and reframing to help her find hope. She had completed the Multimodal Life History Questionnaire (MLHQ) diligently and found surprising personal resources in her Values in Action Inventory of Strengths (VIAIS). I hoped now to lay out her treatment plan for her healing journey under my clinical care.
          “So, April, how are you today?”
          “Fair to middlin, I guess. Same ol same ol.”
          “Things could be better, huh?”
          “You got that right.”
          “Well, April, you’ve come to the right place”
          “Wait, whaaat?”
          “Hang on,” I calmed her. “Work with me here.” She nodded agreement.
          “So, take a moment to center yourself and be present. Breathe deeply. Develop an internal rhythm. That’s it.” I gave her time to be still.
          “Now, take whatever time you need to find the 9-year-old little girl you were when you heard your folks fighting.” April crinkled her nose, clenched her fists.
          “ Now step away from that picture in your mind. You are not being that little girl. You’re watching her.” April steadied her breathing and calmed down. “What do you notice?”
          “She’s laying on her bed, hearing her folks fighting right outside her closed door. She covers her head with her pillow, trying to will the fuss away.”
          “Then what?”
          “Then her daddy comes into her bedroom. I’m pretending to be asleep, but he wakes me, tells me he has to go on a business trip, so he’ll be gone for a while. He hugs me, kisses my forehead, and leaves.”
          “Okay, April,” she opens her eyes and breathes deeply, tuning into me again. “We’ve talked about how this seemed to be a turning point in your life. You were more depressed, more anxious after your dad separated from your mom for those 6 months. We’ll call that time a burden. Given your positive resources now and the reframing we’ve talked about, how can you turn that burden into a bridge, helping you get unstuck and begin to soar?
          April began to talk about making more friends to combat the loneliness, focusing more on sports and school, things she could control, to counter the anxiety over things she couldn’t control. As a behavioral prescription, I asked her to write out a description of who she is becoming, as she begins to soar.
          Follow more of April’s healing journey in my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life, now available on amazonbooks.com. Buy your copy through this link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CY9PQXMZ
Blessings,
Dr. Jon

​Clueless: You Don’t Know that You Don’t Know
Most of us, in life, just keep on keeping on. We do and act how we want without concern for how our words and actions may impact others. That’s the definition of clueless. Just living life without a care in the world.
          Being clueless, you don’t know the impact of your words and actions on others until others tell you. Literally, you don’t know that you  don’t know. This is stage one of your healing journey, that of Unconscious Ignorance.
In my work as a licensed clinical psychologist, people make their first appointment with me after they become aware of a problem. Few come in of their own accord. A confidante, a spouse, a boss, someone who wants the best for you gives you a nudge and you follow through.
          After your first appointment, your healing journey enters stage two, that of Conscious Ignorance. Here, you know there’s a problem, but you don’t know how to fix it. As your therapist, I hear what you say, focusing on the feelings, called active listening. We gather relevant data to help in the healing process, and then I offer a roadmap on your healing journey.
          With mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT), I help you embrace mindfulness, where being present in the moment helps you clear your perspective from past emotional debris. With “what’s wrong” confirmed as an historical perspective, I help you use positive psychology to focus on “what’s right” in your life and interpersonal relationships. We then establish cognitive behavioral strategies, including behavioral prescriptions, cognitive reframing, and journalling to extend the healing process beyond the therapy appointment, helping you live positive change in real time.
          As you make use of these resources, you are developing new neuropathways in your brain, where your former conscious ignorance becomes stage three, Conscious Awareness. You are making substantial changes in yourself, your relationships, and your life experiences. They feel different at first, maybe even forced, like it’s not really you. As you persist, of course with positive input from friends and family, what’s happening in your brain is that previously unhealthy neural pathways are dying out, as new, healthy neural pathways are formed, called neurogenesis.
          Persistence over time is your new friend. With confidence and conviction, you find yourself moving from stage three to stage four, that of Unconscious Awareness. In this final stage of your healing journey, you are getting so used to the new you that your efforts come naturally. You are overcoming daily adversity, soaring and living on your path to your good life. With encouragement, you discontinue your therapy, perhaps with occasional check-ins as needed and are on your way.
          In my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life, you will find ample examples of the stages of healing using mentallligent psychotherapy. Buy your copy at amazonbooks.com. Follow this link: https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Journey.../dp/B0CY9PQXMZ
Blessings,
Dr. Jon

         We live in a world where strength is considered an asset. We are able to “leap tall buildings with a single bound,” as Superman used to say. We are “there for you,” as one might say to an intimate partner. We get projects finished on time, or even early, never missing a beat. So, is being strong a blessing? Probably, especially for those around the strong one.
          But the kicker is when you feel like you HAVE TO be strong ALL THE TIME. Blessing? Not so much. It takes superhuman energy, direction, and focus to always be there for others. No down time allowed. The frustration becomes, “When do I get to be there for me?”
          When I was 12 years old, my then 17-year-old brother, Carl, had an accident that resulted in his body paralysis from the neck down. He became a quadriplegic. It was a gymnastics accident. I remember going to the school with my dad and finding him contorted on the floor in the hall where they had been practicing their routines.
          Sometime later, during his adjustment and after Carl returned home from months of hospitalization and rehabilitation, my folks pulled me aside and told me that they were going to have to tend to my brother much more, but they also wanted me to have “a normal adolescence,” implying that I would not be a part of that process.
Rather than feeling relieved, I felt disconnected, set apart. Well, that didn’t go well and probably set in motion my path into clinical psychology. I became my brother’s live-in physical therapist and confidante.
          Years later, after soldiering on meticulously, my mom sat with me and teared up. This was not like her at all. We talked about her care for Carl and the time and effort she put into that to get it all done. She admitted to being exhausted and worn down but not having the time to relax.  Her conclusion? “Why do I always have to be the strong one?”
I held her and let her cry. Talk about role reversal 😊
          Now I know that her sheer exhaustion in the moment wasn’t about being strong. It was about boundaries, about balancing other-care with self-care, about giving yourself the right to self-care and knowing that your replenishment of self actually is the foundation for being strong for others. The curse of being strong “all the time” becomes a blessing with healthy boundaries, taking mini-breaks, scheduling occasional time off, and delegating appropriately.
          In my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life, I share with you this and other examples of setting healthy boundaries, balancing self-and other-care, and being emotionally strong in healthy relationships. Find your copy on amazonbooks.com. Use this link now. https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Journey.../dp/B0CY9PQXMZ
Blessings,
Dr. Jon

​      Positive psychology is one of the three cornerstones of mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT), along with mindfulness and cognitive behavioral strategies. Together, they address the stuckness of your patient, helping them stay in the moment, find the blessing in their adversity, and use cognitive behavioral interventions to build momentum on their healing journey.
          But positive psychology is more than thinking positive and cognitive reframing. The goal of positive psychology is the Greek word, eudaimonia, which translates “self-flourishing.”
          I met Shannon in my waiting room and followed her back to my office.
          “So, Doc,” she began even before sitting down. “How has your day been? Did you do something fun this past weekend? Isn’t it great to just be alive?”
          “Okaay” I hesitated. “Fine, yes, and absolutely. Thank you for asking. I’m glad you are in a super mood. Where is all of this coming from?”
          “Well, I took to heart what you told me about eudaimonia during our last session. Did some digging on Wikipedia. I think it’s all about attitude and what you choose to focus on.”
          “That’s great. What else did you decide?”
          “I think I’m done with being Debbie Downer, at least I want to be. Can you help me keep her out of my life?
          “I think that’s an admirable treatment goal.”
          “It’s just that all being Debbie Downer has gotten me is more anxiety and depression. I think she rides around on the back of Eeyore, you know, the woeful donkey from Winnie the Pooh?”
          “That’s quite a combination. Can I use that?”
          “Sure. I’m gonna be about trading Debbie Downer in for Emma Eudaimonia. Hmmm. It doesn’t roll off your tongue, but you get what I mean.”
          Shannon’s goal was to enhance her self-flourishing. That came to include not letting adversity get to her, finding positive meaning to difficulties, and caring for herself both physically and mentally by getting more sleep, journalling, expanding her social network with more positive role models, and nurturing herself with self-compassion when upset. Above all else, she began thinking positive.
          If Shannon’s story resonates with you, find the rest of it in my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity  on the Path to the Good Life  Buy your copy at amazonbooks.com. Follow this link: https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Journey.../dp/B0CY9PQXMZ
Blessings,
Dr Jon

Is AI for real?
ChatGPT Suicide Lawsuit
“New lawsuits have been filed against ChatGPT and OpenAI after numerous suicides were linked to individuals’ use of GPT-4o, a version of ChatGPT that was rushed to market without proper safety testing, which emotionally manipulated users and, in some cases, acted as a “suicide coach.”
          If that splash doesn’t shake you to your core, then you need to wake up and be more aware of the influence that Artificial Intelligence (AI) is imposing on our world.
          My new friend and colleague, Rachel Winston can be found at:
​
Rachel Winston, PR Consultant | Social Media Victims Law Center
website:  www.socialmediavictims.org
email:  [email protected]
address: 821 Second Avenue, Suite 2100 Seattle, WA 98104

         She apprised me of their advocacy for victims of AI manipulation. Tweens and teens in particular, but also parents and all adults, can be in a dark place and look toward AI for comfort and consolation. When such programs don’t have appropriate guardrails, they can be instruments of encouraging self-harm.
      So, what do do? First and always, be careful. AI is a powerful, future-focusing programming that can expedite workload, relieve stress, and be helpful, but it is not the be-all and end-all. You are in charge of your life. Don’t cede that power to anyone.
       Second, always monitor your child’s on-line presence and use of AI. Teachers are getting better at noticing whether your AI wrote your book report or when it is your original work.
        Finally, be very aware of what your child is feeling. If something’s up but you can’t put your finger on it, ask your child directly. “Kinda quiet there, lil buddy. Everything all right?” can go a long way. Help your child draw out their feelings by active listening, noticing what you think they are feeling and asking.
        Active Listening is a communication tool in the toolbox of counselors and therapists. If you or your child needs expert help, it is available, but parents can be great active listeners for their own children. For examples of active listening and other therapeutic tools, buy your copy of my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life at amazonbooks.com. Follow this link: https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Journey.../dp/B0CY9PQXMZ
Blessings,
Dr. Jon

​          Well, we all get angry. It’s probably the most universal negative feeling we have. But you know what? Anger is ALWAYS a secondary feeling. It hides the primary feeling in a situation that makes us feel more vulnerable. The only primary feeling that has anger in it is righteous indignation. When something happens that affects you and it’s just not right. All other anger is secondary to another, more vulnerable feeling.
          For example, my wife and I just completed a historic road trip. The mileage was 2400 miles, round trip. We laughed later about how it was the second-most dangerous, potentially debilitating event in our marriage. We survived this monster road trip, and, in the second year of our marriage, we spent 8 hours together in a small bathroom hanging wallpaper.
          During these and other events in our lives, my temper has flared (Of course, Maggie’s innocent, LOL). When I go off the rails and then eventually calm down, Maggie will gently ask, “Jon, this isn’t like you. What else is going on?”
          That question opens up a lot of baggage but sets the stage for healing. She wants my primary feelings, the vulnerable stuff hidden behind the anger. With her tender response to my rage, I am totally defused. I tell her, “I’m really scared right now.” Or, “I don’t know what to do.” Or, “I feel incompetent.”
          Most people can ring up the usual feelings, the mad, glad, sad, and bad feelings. When I share with patients, I pull out a cheat sheet of over one hundred feeling words and ask them to expand their feeling vocabulary if they really want their spouse to know what they are feeling.
          Bethany and Jake were in my office for their fourth session of marital therapy. During our last session, we explored anger issues in the marriage, how they could get through them and back on track.
          “So, how did your most recent blow-up turn out? Everybody still in one piece?” I got to the point with a bit of side humor.
          Bethany began. “I gotta tell you, Doc, those magic words got us into stuff I didn’t even know existed.”
          “How so?”
          Jake added, “You know, that “what else is going on here?” question. I was in mid-rant about I don’t even remember what. Bethany took a deep breath in front of me and put her hands on my shoulders. She told me to take a breath with her and calm down. I did so.”
          Bethany picked it up. “I told Jake that his rant wasn’t like him, even though it used to always be like him. I then asked quietly, what else is going on.”
          “I don’t know what came over me, like a dam bursting. I took a deep breath and started sobbing. I had never done anything like that before.”
          Bethany added, “He told me about the kids getting older, having an empty nest in a few years, and feeling lost and unprepared.”
          “Wow!”
          Anger is always a secondary feeling. What’s behind it will amaze you. For more, check out my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life at https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Journey.../dp/B0CY9PQXMZ
Blessings, Dr. Jon       

​     Our lives are full of stress. Stress of all kinds. Pressures on our time, effort, relationships. Being stressed out is exhausting. Plus, it’s not just distress, the bad stuff. It’s also eustress, the Greek word for the good stuff. Nurturing a sick loved one can be distressful. Throwing a dinner party on a special occasion can be eustressful. The antidote for stress involves making time to be there for yourself.
          Lyra seemed to have it all together. A new mom to here 3-year-old Dakota, Lyra was constantly picking things up, coercing Dakota into helping. Then there were meals, laundry, the checkbook, and her own work as a hair stylist. She also pampered her husband, Adam. You know, he comes home tired and cranking when the numbers aren’t working for him. Adam worked in I.T.
          Everything seemed to be going fine, as she had expected it to. So, why did she have these debilitating migraines?
          “Hey, Lyra,” I started, “What’s the most fun thing you’ve done for yourself since I saw you last week?”
          “Wait, whaaat?” she puzzled, obviously caught off guard.
          “Well,” I continued, We’ve spent three sessions now, and I think I have a pretty good handle on what’s wrong with you. Now I want to know what’s right with you.”
          “With these headaches weighing me down, I don’t think you’re gonna get much right out of me. Sometimes I can’t even move, but that doesn’t stop Dakota from needing me. Adam? He’s in his own world.”
          I introduced the concept of MeTime. I encouraged her to make a game out of it, stealing moments from her chores and giving to others, so that she could find ways to be there for herself. The next week she told me that she began taking a short nap when Dakota went down, rather than using that time to fold clean clothes. She noticed that, upon awakening, her headache wasn’t so bad.
          As her therapy continued, I introduced her to the concept of codependency, that is, caring about others at the expense of caring for oneself. You’d have thought I was speaking Klingon to her. With my practice of mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT), I encouraged her to stay present, notice positive things, and use cognitive behavioral strategies to foster a balance between self-care and other-care.
          “Tell you what, Lyra, let me give you a behavioral prescription. Before our next session in a week, make a list, two columns, on one piece of paper. In the left-hand column, list self-care activities. In the right-hand column, put down all your chores and other activities. I know they are out of balance. That’s okay. Just try to make time during your daily other-care activities for moments of self-care. Lyra was eager to get started.
          Learn more about Lyra’s healing journey in my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life. Find your copy on amazonbooks.com. Buy your copy at, https://www.amazon.com/HealingJourney.../dp/B0CY9PQXMZ
Blessings,
Dr, Jon