​Clueless: You Don’t Know that You Don’t Know
Most of us, in life, just keep on keeping on. We do and act how we want without concern for how our words and actions may impact others. That’s the definition of clueless. Just living life without a care in the world.
          Being clueless, you don’t know the impact of your words and actions on others until others tell you. Literally, you don’t know that you  don’t know. This is stage one of your healing journey, that of Unconscious Ignorance.
In my work as a licensed clinical psychologist, people make their first appointment with me after they become aware of a problem. Few come in of their own accord. A confidante, a spouse, a boss, someone who wants the best for you gives you a nudge and you follow through.
          After your first appointment, your healing journey enters stage two, that of Conscious Ignorance. Here, you know there’s a problem, but you don’t know how to fix it. As your therapist, I hear what you say, focusing on the feelings, called active listening. We gather relevant data to help in the healing process, and then I offer a roadmap on your healing journey.
          With mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT), I help you embrace mindfulness, where being present in the moment helps you clear your perspective from past emotional debris. With “what’s wrong” confirmed as an historical perspective, I help you use positive psychology to focus on “what’s right” in your life and interpersonal relationships. We then establish cognitive behavioral strategies, including behavioral prescriptions, cognitive reframing, and journalling to extend the healing process beyond the therapy appointment, helping you live positive change in real time.
          As you make use of these resources, you are developing new neuropathways in your brain, where your former conscious ignorance becomes stage three, Conscious Awareness. You are making substantial changes in yourself, your relationships, and your life experiences. They feel different at first, maybe even forced, like it’s not really you. As you persist, of course with positive input from friends and family, what’s happening in your brain is that previously unhealthy neural pathways are dying out, as new, healthy neural pathways are formed, called neurogenesis.
          Persistence over time is your new friend. With confidence and conviction, you find yourself moving from stage three to stage four, that of Unconscious Awareness. In this final stage of your healing journey, you are getting so used to the new you that your efforts come naturally. You are overcoming daily adversity, soaring and living on your path to your good life. With encouragement, you discontinue your therapy, perhaps with occasional check-ins as needed and are on your way.
          In my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life, you will find ample examples of the stages of healing using mentallligent psychotherapy. Buy your copy at amazonbooks.com. Follow this link: https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Journey.../dp/B0CY9PQXMZ
Blessings,
Dr. Jon

         We live in a world where strength is considered an asset. We are able to “leap tall buildings with a single bound,” as Superman used to say. We are “there for you,” as one might say to an intimate partner. We get projects finished on time, or even early, never missing a beat. So, is being strong a blessing? Probably, especially for those around the strong one.
          But the kicker is when you feel like you HAVE TO be strong ALL THE TIME. Blessing? Not so much. It takes superhuman energy, direction, and focus to always be there for others. No down time allowed. The frustration becomes, “When do I get to be there for me?”
          When I was 12 years old, my then 17-year-old brother, Carl, had an accident that resulted in his body paralysis from the neck down. He became a quadriplegic. It was a gymnastics accident. I remember going to the school with my dad and finding him contorted on the floor in the hall where they had been practicing their routines.
          Sometime later, during his adjustment and after Carl returned home from months of hospitalization and rehabilitation, my folks pulled me aside and told me that they were going to have to tend to my brother much more, but they also wanted me to have “a normal adolescence,” implying that I would not be a part of that process.
Rather than feeling relieved, I felt disconnected, set apart. Well, that didn’t go well and probably set in motion my path into clinical psychology. I became my brother’s live-in physical therapist and confidante.
          Years later, after soldiering on meticulously, my mom sat with me and teared up. This was not like her at all. We talked about her care for Carl and the time and effort she put into that to get it all done. She admitted to being exhausted and worn down but not having the time to relax.  Her conclusion? “Why do I always have to be the strong one?”
I held her and let her cry. Talk about role reversal 😊
          Now I know that her sheer exhaustion in the moment wasn’t about being strong. It was about boundaries, about balancing other-care with self-care, about giving yourself the right to self-care and knowing that your replenishment of self actually is the foundation for being strong for others. The curse of being strong “all the time” becomes a blessing with healthy boundaries, taking mini-breaks, scheduling occasional time off, and delegating appropriately.
          In my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life, I share with you this and other examples of setting healthy boundaries, balancing self-and other-care, and being emotionally strong in healthy relationships. Find your copy on amazonbooks.com. Use this link now. https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Journey.../dp/B0CY9PQXMZ
Blessings,
Dr. Jon

​      Positive psychology is one of the three cornerstones of mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT), along with mindfulness and cognitive behavioral strategies. Together, they address the stuckness of your patient, helping them stay in the moment, find the blessing in their adversity, and use cognitive behavioral interventions to build momentum on their healing journey.
          But positive psychology is more than thinking positive and cognitive reframing. The goal of positive psychology is the Greek word, eudaimonia, which translates “self-flourishing.”
          I met Shannon in my waiting room and followed her back to my office.
          “So, Doc,” she began even before sitting down. “How has your day been? Did you do something fun this past weekend? Isn’t it great to just be alive?”
          “Okaay” I hesitated. “Fine, yes, and absolutely. Thank you for asking. I’m glad you are in a super mood. Where is all of this coming from?”
          “Well, I took to heart what you told me about eudaimonia during our last session. Did some digging on Wikipedia. I think it’s all about attitude and what you choose to focus on.”
          “That’s great. What else did you decide?”
          “I think I’m done with being Debbie Downer, at least I want to be. Can you help me keep her out of my life?
          “I think that’s an admirable treatment goal.”
          “It’s just that all being Debbie Downer has gotten me is more anxiety and depression. I think she rides around on the back of Eeyore, you know, the woeful donkey from Winnie the Pooh?”
          “That’s quite a combination. Can I use that?”
          “Sure. I’m gonna be about trading Debbie Downer in for Emma Eudaimonia. Hmmm. It doesn’t roll off your tongue, but you get what I mean.”
          Shannon’s goal was to enhance her self-flourishing. That came to include not letting adversity get to her, finding positive meaning to difficulties, and caring for herself both physically and mentally by getting more sleep, journalling, expanding her social network with more positive role models, and nurturing herself with self-compassion when upset. Above all else, she began thinking positive.
          If Shannon’s story resonates with you, find the rest of it in my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity  on the Path to the Good Life  Buy your copy at amazonbooks.com. Follow this link: https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Journey.../dp/B0CY9PQXMZ
Blessings,
Dr Jon

Is AI for real?
ChatGPT Suicide Lawsuit
“New lawsuits have been filed against ChatGPT and OpenAI after numerous suicides were linked to individuals’ use of GPT-4o, a version of ChatGPT that was rushed to market without proper safety testing, which emotionally manipulated users and, in some cases, acted as a “suicide coach.”
          If that splash doesn’t shake you to your core, then you need to wake up and be more aware of the influence that Artificial Intelligence (AI) is imposing on our world.
          My new friend and colleague, Rachel Winston can be found at:
​
Rachel Winston, PR Consultant | Social Media Victims Law Center
website:  www.socialmediavictims.org
email:  [email protected]
address: 821 Second Avenue, Suite 2100 Seattle, WA 98104

         She apprised me of their advocacy for victims of AI manipulation. Tweens and teens in particular, but also parents and all adults, can be in a dark place and look toward AI for comfort and consolation. When such programs don’t have appropriate guardrails, they can be instruments of encouraging self-harm.
      So, what do do? First and always, be careful. AI is a powerful, future-focusing programming that can expedite workload, relieve stress, and be helpful, but it is not the be-all and end-all. You are in charge of your life. Don’t cede that power to anyone.
       Second, always monitor your child’s on-line presence and use of AI. Teachers are getting better at noticing whether your AI wrote your book report or when it is your original work.
        Finally, be very aware of what your child is feeling. If something’s up but you can’t put your finger on it, ask your child directly. “Kinda quiet there, lil buddy. Everything all right?” can go a long way. Help your child draw out their feelings by active listening, noticing what you think they are feeling and asking.
        Active Listening is a communication tool in the toolbox of counselors and therapists. If you or your child needs expert help, it is available, but parents can be great active listeners for their own children. For examples of active listening and other therapeutic tools, buy your copy of my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life at amazonbooks.com. Follow this link: https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Journey.../dp/B0CY9PQXMZ
Blessings,
Dr. Jon

​          Well, we all get angry. It’s probably the most universal negative feeling we have. But you know what? Anger is ALWAYS a secondary feeling. It hides the primary feeling in a situation that makes us feel more vulnerable. The only primary feeling that has anger in it is righteous indignation. When something happens that affects you and it’s just not right. All other anger is secondary to another, more vulnerable feeling.
          For example, my wife and I just completed a historic road trip. The mileage was 2400 miles, round trip. We laughed later about how it was the second-most dangerous, potentially debilitating event in our marriage. We survived this monster road trip, and, in the second year of our marriage, we spent 8 hours together in a small bathroom hanging wallpaper.
          During these and other events in our lives, my temper has flared (Of course, Maggie’s innocent, LOL). When I go off the rails and then eventually calm down, Maggie will gently ask, “Jon, this isn’t like you. What else is going on?”
          That question opens up a lot of baggage but sets the stage for healing. She wants my primary feelings, the vulnerable stuff hidden behind the anger. With her tender response to my rage, I am totally defused. I tell her, “I’m really scared right now.” Or, “I don’t know what to do.” Or, “I feel incompetent.”
          Most people can ring up the usual feelings, the mad, glad, sad, and bad feelings. When I share with patients, I pull out a cheat sheet of over one hundred feeling words and ask them to expand their feeling vocabulary if they really want their spouse to know what they are feeling.
          Bethany and Jake were in my office for their fourth session of marital therapy. During our last session, we explored anger issues in the marriage, how they could get through them and back on track.
          “So, how did your most recent blow-up turn out? Everybody still in one piece?” I got to the point with a bit of side humor.
          Bethany began. “I gotta tell you, Doc, those magic words got us into stuff I didn’t even know existed.”
          “How so?”
          Jake added, “You know, that “what else is going on here?” question. I was in mid-rant about I don’t even remember what. Bethany took a deep breath in front of me and put her hands on my shoulders. She told me to take a breath with her and calm down. I did so.”
          Bethany picked it up. “I told Jake that his rant wasn’t like him, even though it used to always be like him. I then asked quietly, what else is going on.”
          “I don’t know what came over me, like a dam bursting. I took a deep breath and started sobbing. I had never done anything like that before.”
          Bethany added, “He told me about the kids getting older, having an empty nest in a few years, and feeling lost and unprepared.”
          “Wow!”
          Anger is always a secondary feeling. What’s behind it will amaze you. For more, check out my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life at https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Journey.../dp/B0CY9PQXMZ
Blessings, Dr. Jon       

​     Our lives are full of stress. Stress of all kinds. Pressures on our time, effort, relationships. Being stressed out is exhausting. Plus, it’s not just distress, the bad stuff. It’s also eustress, the Greek word for the good stuff. Nurturing a sick loved one can be distressful. Throwing a dinner party on a special occasion can be eustressful. The antidote for stress involves making time to be there for yourself.
          Lyra seemed to have it all together. A new mom to here 3-year-old Dakota, Lyra was constantly picking things up, coercing Dakota into helping. Then there were meals, laundry, the checkbook, and her own work as a hair stylist. She also pampered her husband, Adam. You know, he comes home tired and cranking when the numbers aren’t working for him. Adam worked in I.T.
          Everything seemed to be going fine, as she had expected it to. So, why did she have these debilitating migraines?
          “Hey, Lyra,” I started, “What’s the most fun thing you’ve done for yourself since I saw you last week?”
          “Wait, whaaat?” she puzzled, obviously caught off guard.
          “Well,” I continued, We’ve spent three sessions now, and I think I have a pretty good handle on what’s wrong with you. Now I want to know what’s right with you.”
          “With these headaches weighing me down, I don’t think you’re gonna get much right out of me. Sometimes I can’t even move, but that doesn’t stop Dakota from needing me. Adam? He’s in his own world.”
          I introduced the concept of MeTime. I encouraged her to make a game out of it, stealing moments from her chores and giving to others, so that she could find ways to be there for herself. The next week she told me that she began taking a short nap when Dakota went down, rather than using that time to fold clean clothes. She noticed that, upon awakening, her headache wasn’t so bad.
          As her therapy continued, I introduced her to the concept of codependency, that is, caring about others at the expense of caring for oneself. You’d have thought I was speaking Klingon to her. With my practice of mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT), I encouraged her to stay present, notice positive things, and use cognitive behavioral strategies to foster a balance between self-care and other-care.
          “Tell you what, Lyra, let me give you a behavioral prescription. Before our next session in a week, make a list, two columns, on one piece of paper. In the left-hand column, list self-care activities. In the right-hand column, put down all your chores and other activities. I know they are out of balance. That’s okay. Just try to make time during your daily other-care activities for moments of self-care. Lyra was eager to get started.
          Learn more about Lyra’s healing journey in my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life. Find your copy on amazonbooks.com. Buy your copy at, https://www.amazon.com/HealingJourney.../dp/B0CY9PQXMZ
Blessings,
Dr, Jon

​        When my granddaughter, Kaitlyn, was three, she and her mom were visiting. We had someone coming to care for our pet while we were on vacation. This person was holding her small dog while talking with us. I was holding Kaitlyn.
          Without warning or provocation, our friend’s dog lunged at my granddaughter, biting her on the cheek. The puncture wound and a touch of bleeding was evident. Obviously. Kaitlyn was beside herself with terror and upset. We didn’t hire the pet sitter.
          Immediately we took our granddaughter to the ER and she was treated for the dog bite. It took 3 of us to hold her down and still as they were washing out the wound before stitching it up. Through her tears, I remember her saying, self-soothingly and pathetically, “It’ll be over soon.”
          Dog bites seem incidental, but they can be more serious than you thought. My friend and colleague Eric Bullard, attorney at Richmond/Vona LLC (Buffalo, NY, 716/300-5765) acquainted me with a very thorough article, which I am passing on to you.
          Mental Health Impact of Dog Bites in Children goes into great detail on how traumatizing dog bites can be, especially to children. The hidden psychological effects of dog bites include:

1. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
2. Phobias
3. Nighmares, Sleep Disturbances, and Intrusive Thoughts
4. Anxiety, Depression, and Mood Disorders
5. Regression and Developmental Backsliding
6. Social and Academic Impacts, and
7. Family, Trust, and Worldview Changes

Mental health relapses are frequent, even with follow-up clinical care. Triggers include environmental, sensory, emotional and situational. Contact Eric Bullard at [email protected] and check out the practice website at www.richmondvona.com.
Blessings,
Dr. Jon

     You’ve heard the old saying that “there’s plenty of blame to go around?” Well, that may be true, but is it at all productive? I encourage my patients to nix the blame game all together. Blaming, whether on self or others, focuses on individual performance to the exclusion of context and surroundings. Try trading in aware for meta-aware, expand the contributing factors to put the event in perspective.
          When patients become meta-aware thinkers, they’ve taken the zoom function to their perspective on life and used it to zoom out. Performance thinkers zoom in to capture only their performance. Meta-aware thinkers zoom out to look at the bigger picture and also to capture many more contributing factors to their situations.
          Joe’s boss stormed into his office with a handful of papers. “You call this a proposal? What is wrong with you!” He threw the pile of papers on Joe’s desk, huffed, and then turned to leave.
          “Uh, boss,” Joe tentatively offered.
          “”by end of day,” the boss grumbled as he left Joe’s office.
          While obviously less than an optimal exchange between Joe and his boss, Joe breathed several times deeply as he replayed the events in his head. His calming strategy freed his mind to think, “Wow! That’s not like the boss. He’s usually more even-tempered. I wonder what else is going on.”
          Joe was practicing what he had learned in therapy. He was learning to trade in his excessive, self-blaming focus on his performance. He expanded his thinking to the level of meta-awareness and captured the bigger picture. With that context, Joe was able to hunker down and revise his work proposal to his boss’s liking “by end of day.”
More personally, I was ranting at my then 12-year-old daughter back in the day. With a little attitude, Rachel put her hands on her hips, looked me straight in the eye, and responded, “Who peed in your cornflakes?” I was so taken aback that I paused and then started laughing. She was right. I was taking stuff out on her that wasn’t hers in the first place. I apologized to Rachel, and we worked it all out. Out of the mouths of babes. Be open to Meta-Awareness Thinking. It can come from the most unexpected sources.
To find out more about meta-awareness to expand your healing journey, buy your copy of my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life on amazonbooks.com. Follow this link: https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Journey.../dp/B0CY9PQXMZ
Blessings,
Dr. Jon

From Stuckness to Soaring
          Your healing journey goes from stuckness to soaring. Being stuck is about a sense of your life going nowhere. Same ol’ same ol’ What’s happening feels normal to you because you’ve known no other reality. You’re in stage one of the healing journey, that of being in Unconscious Ignorance. It’s not a fun place to be, but you don’t know that because you don’t know that you don’t know.
          Then, something or someone happens that gets your attention. You have a notion that things could be different, could be better, but you don’t know how to get there. This begins stage two of your healing journey, that of feeling Conscious Ignorance. You want things to be different, better, but you don’t know how to get there.
          In my last podcast, I gave you a glimpse of Hayley and Jamie’s healing journey, moving from Conscious Ignorance to stage three, that of Conscious Awareness. They are learning relational tools in couples therapy, but they feel awkward completing their therapeutic homework assignments. They’ve learned what to do and how to be with each other and it’s all better, but just different. Like a child learning how to ride a bike, they get better quickly with practice.
          The final stage, stage four of your healing journey is that of Unconscious Awareness. This is a brain-thing that happens with practice and over time. Over 20 years ago, neuroscientists discovered our brain’s capacity for neuroplasticity. The conventional wisdom about brain functioning had been that we mature and grow our brain capacity from birth until around age 25. From then on, what you see is what you get.
          More current research confirms now that our brains are able to change, morph into better versions of ourselves, throughout our lives. With Unconscious Awareness we have generated new neural pathways that reinforce our changed thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. We have left our stuckness behind and begun soaring each day. We are handling stress and adversity in healthier ways. These new neuropathways are fired up without our really even noticing it. We’ve found a new normal and are enjoying it.
          When our patients are sharing good stories with you, noticing how they used to handle that situation and how much better they are doing now, then that’s an indicator that their time with you may be coming to an end. Their healing journey, however, will continue in their new normal.
          For more on the concept of neural plasticity and making your healing journey through the 4 stages of effective therapy, go to amazonbooks.com and buy my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life. Click the following link now: https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Journey.../dp/B0CY9PQXMZ.
Blessings,
Dr. Jon

     Hayley and Jamie met at school. They were in the same class and bumped into each other exiting the doorway. Chivalrously, Jamie let Hayley go first. Each was a college senior and they dated for six months before they slept together. They entered that fateful portal when Hayley posed the question, my place or yours?
          In my last podcast, I asked the question about when the right time is to start psychotherapy. I introduced the four stages of psychotherapy and dove into the first two stages. Before therapy begins, we are in the stage of Unconscious Ignorance. We don’t know that there is a problem, and we don’t know that we don’t know. Usually, after a precipitating event, we research the kind of therapy we think will meet our needs, find a suitable therapist, and take the plunge.
          As we get our footing in clinical treatment, we move from Unconscious Ignorance to Conscious Ignorance. That is, now we know there is a problem, but we don’t know what to do about it. The hard lifting of therapy is moving from Conscious Ignorance to the third stage of therapy, that of Conscious Awareness.
          Hayley and Jamie came into my clinical care after being together for a year. They had graduated from college, gotten jobs, and moved to their new home in a different state. There were no “deal-breakers,” but just some bumps in the road that were piling up. They were also talking about getting married “somewhere down the road.”
          As they accepted me as their guide on their healing journey, I explained how the tools of mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT) would be helpful to them.
          They settled in and Jamie opened up. “This is just typical.” He sounded exasperated, a theme in their marriage. “We had agreed that whoever got home first would start dinner. Nope. Not last night.”
          Hayley chimed in, “You don’t remember my calling you at work today and offering to take us out to dinner?” Turning to me, “You see, Doc? He never listens to me and then blames me for everything.”
          I put my hands up in a stop gesture. “Both of you. Breathe. Get centered. You really want to hear and be heard today.” Each sat back in their chairs and complied.
          As the session continued, I reminded them of how they practiced active listening the last session. Jamie chimed in, “Yeah, you tagged us about preparing to talk rather than actually listening for each other’s feelings.”
          I turned to Hayley, “I appreciate your bringing up your frustration about Jamey forgetting your going-out-to-dinner option, but, if you want him to hear you, be careful to avoid absolutes. What were they again?
          Hayley replayed her words in her mind, sighed, and then answered, “Um, never and everything, Okay, I’ve got it.”
          I smiled and encouraged her to “modulate your extreme, off-putting adjectives.”
          The stage of Conscious Awareness involves learning and practicing in therapy parts of the healing journey that will become automatic over time. Stage four, that of Unconscious Awareness, is the goal.
          Follow Hayley and Jamie’s progress in my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life. Buy your copy at amazonbooks.com. Follow this link: https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Journey.../dp/B0CY9PQXMZ.