Every school-aged child’s worst nightmare is that of being bullied. Not only are the physical and emotional impacts horrific, but the humiliation and powerlessness are profound. How can you be there for your child who may be a victim of bullying?
“Hey Sweetheart,” Lauren cheerfully greeted her 10 year old daughter as she came in from school, “How was school today?”
“Leave me alone. Nobody cares,” Grace huffed as she stomped by her mom and ran upstairs to her bedroom. Putting her dish towel down, Lauren thought, uh oh, here we go. She trailed her daughter up the stairs.
“Aw, honey, what happened?” Grace burst into tears. Through her sobs she told her mom how Joey cornered her on the playground at recess. When she told him to leave her alone, he pushed her and called her a cuss word and a baby. Lauren active listened Grace’s feelings, hugged her, and helped her calm down.
“Did you tell your teacher about this?”
“Yes, right after recess. She ignored me and told me to get in my seat, that class was about to start.”
I hope you haven’t experienced this scenario with your child. Unfortunately, such is all too common. Even with schools adopting anti-bullying policies, they are often not followed nor enforced. What to do.
First, good for Lauren for giving Grace time to talk it out, to active listen her feelings, without adding her two cents. Calming your child and being there for her are your first priorities.
Second, what’s with the teacher’s response? Clearly she did not take Grace’s words seriously. She was more focused on getting the class back to schoolwork---at Grace’s expense.
Generally, bullies feel bigger and stronger than their victims. They tend to isolate victims from the group and intimidate by words and actions outside of earshot of others. In extreme examples, there might be extortion of lunch money or demanded servitude, like doing the bully’s homework for him.
Male bullies are more often physical, while female bullies are more emotional in their antagonism, although either can be both. And so, more female bullies use the internet to harass and demean others. Such cyberbullying is a negative outcome of our age of technology.
Male or female, physical, emotional, or cyber, all bullies have low self-esteem, feelings of inferiority, and are often victims of bullying themselves in an abusive family setting and feel left out of peer groups. Gang bullies, almost always male, have a primary, a sidekick, and 2-3 hangers on.
As the parents, we are all prone to jump into action to defend our child. Please…take a breath and get all the details, while active listening and helping your child calm down. Children under 10 will probably be relieved that you take them seriously and are going to take care of it for them. Children older than 10 may see your involvement as intruding, potentially further embarrassing for them, and leading to more difficulty for them at school.
Whatever your child’s age, when they are talked out and calmed, simply comment, “You know, sweetheart, I have some ideas about how we can nip this in the bud. Do you want to hear them?” With their consent, add, “If I were to get involved and come to your defense, this is what I would do.” Explain and get feedback, “What do you think?”
When your child is a victim of bullying, brainstorm how they can keep it from happening again. Set boundaries. Stay within your group of friends. Change the context by becoming a positive influence on the bully. Tell teachers and authorities in private settings with a set of commitments from them and subsequent feedback.
With older children, help them develop an effective plan. Note, fighting the bully is probably not a good option because of joint, multiple consequences. When your pre-teen/teen feels empowered and committed to following through on the plan, set a review meeting to de-brief and reinforce positive outcomes. Make sure he knows you have his back if he wants your direct help.
Sometimes dealing with bullying is as hard for you as it is for your child. Use your active listening, joint problem-solving, and relational parenting to help him through his trauma/crisis.