Did you know? There are consequences to actions. If I speed while driving, I might get a ticket because I’ve broken a law. As a Christian parent, Proverbs 22:6 tells me to “train my children up in the ways of the Lord, so that, when they grow old, they will not depart from Him.” Just like getting a ticket on the highway, my child needs to know that his actions have consequences. Do good and good things happen. Do bad and bad things happen. We are charged with training up our children in the ways of the Lord. All parents use restriction as a matter of consequence when your child strays from your expectations. But what kind of restriction? You want your child to conform to your expectations and follow the rules, but at what cost? The Old Testament talks about sparing the rod and spoiling the child. This is a power-based restriction and the foundation of the correctional model. “Three F’s! Joey, what’s the matter with you? You’re grounded until those grades come up. Go to your room and don’t come out except to eat and use the bathroom. Get those grades up, Boy!” The correctional model is like going to jail. While well-intended, it breeds better criminals. Kids think about how mean you are, how to get around the restrictions, and hope that with time you will forget all about the punishment. The relational model holds your child accountable, but also encourages his participation in getting back on the right track. “Three F’s! Wow! This isn’t like you, Joey. I’m very disappointed. We need a plan to help you work on getting those grades back up. In Scripture, God showed the Israelites Judgement when they messed up. They went through hard times. When they got the memo and started abiding by God’s laws again, God showed them compassion and their favored status was restored. When Jesus Christ came to redeem all who accept Him as Lord and Savior, God showed mercy. This progression from judgement to compassion to mercy is the heart of the relational model of restriction. Give your child a time frame of restriction, but then lessen it as he shows progress toward the goal. This is your compassion. If he reaches the goal before the restriction is up, give him mercy and restore his privileges. The correctional model of restriction is about power. The relational model of restriction is about creating teachable moments in your relationship with your child. Are your restrictions about power or relationship? Create teachable moments with your restrictions and help your child grow emotionally and spiritually.
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Me and roller coasters don’t get along. I’m closing my eyes and white-knuckling all the way. Once, when our daughter was 14, we had all gone to a theme park and I wanted us to get a charcoal caricature of our family. Rachel got an attitude and refused. We negotiated that I would ride the Rebel Yell roller coaster with her if she would sit for the family picture. “Twice!” she grumbled. Overcoming my terror because the outcome was worth it to me, I agreed. Is your son or daughter entering the teen years? Hang on. You’re in for an emotional roller coaster ride. Angst and attitude are part and parcel of teen life. While it seems personal, take heart. It’s not only you, but most everybody who catches teenage heat. For a response, you have several options. “Hold on, buster. This is my house and you will can the attitude!” While this response is in every parent’s mind, keep it there. Don’t let it come out of your mouth. With such a response, you are just trying to match your teen’s power play with your own. You might get compliance, but it would be out of fear and at the expense of relationship. “What? Is that attitude I hear? Where is that coming from?” is heartfelt and a step in the right direction, but at the risk of your teen feeling shamed. Don’t be surprised if the response is a verbal shut-down or a flippant, “Whatever.” “Wow! This isn’t like you, son. What else is going on?” is more on track. You are calling attention to his attitude but also recognizing his angst. He may still not want to talk, because of his mistrust and unspoken recognition that he crossed a line. “Why are you trying to be nice to me?” sometimes is the response. Hang in there. He’s slowly cracking the emotional door to see if he wants to let you in. When teens, and children as well, are given an essay question like “What else is going on here?” they may not have the words or want to answer it. If you get a blank stare or “Leave me alone.” To the essay question, make it a multiple choice question. You know their lives well enough to come up with 3 or 4 options as to what might be fueling his angst. When you get some acknowledgement, shift to active listening. Trying to understand his feelings is at the heart of helping him get through his angst. The good news is that from the angst and attitude of teen life comes the development of an individual identity, your goal for your teen as he prepares for adulthood. It's easy to parent when everything is going well. Those times can become teachable moments. "Here, son, let me throw you a few pitches. Let's see if we can get that swing level." You want to teach. He wants to learn. Easy parenting. But what about the hard part of parenting, when confronting your child about his behavior or attitude adjustment? That's hard, no matter how you size it up. "I am your father! Do what I tell you." Or, the old standby, "Because I said so." You might get compliance, but at what cost? His behavior might change...for the moment. But that change will be out of fear. And when the heat if off, he goes back to old habits. There is an art to effective confronting. Confrontation can be a very teachable moment, when it is carried out with respect and in service to the relationship. Imagine that you've asked your son to clean up his room repeatedly over several days, to no avail. You could bring the hammer down and give him consequences. I've known parents who simply picked up all items left on the floor and thrown them away, toys, clothes, papers, electronics, all of it. Pretty ineffective confrontation. The floor is cleaned off, but the soul is shattered and the relationship is filled with fear and anger. No respect, no relationship. An effective confrontation has three parts: an observable behavior, your feelings about that behavior, and the tangible and concrete effect of that behavior on you. "Luke, when I've asked you repeatedly to clean the floor up in your room and put everything where it belongs, and you blow it off, I feel ignored and disrespected. I fear bugs and other critters could be under that mess and that would present a health hazard to all of us. Part of our being a family is everybody sharing the load. This is your load." Once you've laid the confrontation out as clearly as you can, be prepared for blowback. No one ever likes to be confronted. There will be defensiveness. Use your active listening skills, empathy, to address your child's defensiveness. When you see his emotional fever lowering, becoming less defensive, then resume with another version of your confrontation. Confront, empathy, confront will put your child in the best position to comply with your expectations...with respect and relationship intact. I've talked to many a teen who tells me they "are in jail," or "My parents have me on lock-down." The Correctional Model of Restriction that most parents use includes being given time on restriction for bad behavior. Often even well-intentioned parents are too general, too vague both in the crime and the punishment. "You're grounded until your grades come up." What grades? Up from where? For how long? The next grading period? Christmas? Teens are left with "working the system," sneaking out, hoping parents will forget about the punishment. The Relational Model of Restriction is a step-down process that helps your teen work toward less restriction. After identifying the rule infraction, impose Judgement. No cell phone use for a month because you lied about where you were and stayed out past curfew. As your teen demonstrates regret, with apology, and shows remorse while tending to chores and responsibilities for a week, you reward his effort. "You're getting it, son. I'm proud of you. I'm showing you compassion. Your restriction is reduced to 3 weeks." As he continues his respect, responsibility, and initiative for another week, you again reward his effort. "I think you've got it. Lesson learned. Good job. I'm showing your Mercy. Here's your cell phone back." This step-down process reinforces your authority with the wording of Judgement, Compassion, and Mercy. It also gives your teen opportunity to earn cell phone privileges back sooner with positive response to the discipline. Any mis-step and full restriction is returned. As he learns his lesson and consistently improves his behavior, he is truly FREE and out of jail. Would you ever expect your child to pop out of bed, come to breakfast with a smile and good mood, when she is under the weather? If she has a fever of 100' or 101', can you expect her to do her homework well, do her chores without complaint?
Of course not! First you treat the fever. If aches and pains go along with the fever, uh oh, might be the flu. Time for chicken soup, cold compresses, bed rest. Lay low, sweetheart, and let's get you better. What about when she has an emotional fever? What's that like? It usually comes in the form of upset over things not going right for her, being told "no" when she had her heart set on something, friends not being able to come over, school or friendship or relationship drama. Then you hear attitude, disrespect, and noncompliance. First, take her temperature. If she has a physical fever, treat the symptoms first. If she does not, then treat the emotional fever. If you come at her with consequence and control because of her attitude and words, you've lost a teachable moment. Empathy for what you think she is feeling, also called Active Listening, is the cure for the emotional fever. As you understand the feelings behind her actions and words, her emotional fever comes down. Only then will she be receptive to changing her behavior. Many parents tell me they don't do behavior management with their child because they don't believe in bribing them. Effective behavior management is not bribery. The more your child is involved in and invested in the system, the more he wants to do well and be rewarded for his efforts. In Chapter 2 of Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, I offer a Good Kid Chart that helps your child track target behavior and receive daily and weekly rewards based on achieving those behaviors. Involve your child in creating these daily and weekly reward lists, as well as the consequence list. Linking daily and weekly rewards together keeps him involved in the process and helps him develop consistency over time in building his character. The first level of consequence is not getting the reward. Only go to the consequence list for egregious infractions. For example, if "Play nicely with your sister" is a target behavior and your child mocks her or puts her down, he doesn't get the daily reward for that target behavior. If he knocks her down and yells at her, he gets to choose from the consequence list, which he helped create. Such involved, interactive behavior management helps build character. Bribery simply keeps your child temporarily out of your hair, but with no lasting positive effect.
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